Welcome to the cocktail bar of The Healthy Slug¹. Pull up a chrome and leather bar stool, drink in the sophisticated yet relaxed ambience and cast a connoisseur's eye over the bill of fare, which somehow succeeds in attempting to be both traditional and innovative.

The experienced bar staff will give you the impression that their lives have been made complete should you ask them to mix your cocktail of choice and they will keep the drinks coming until you slide elegantly off your chrome and leather bar stool and find that your legs have stopped working.

In addition to the cocktails listed below, the bar also offers draught Large all year round and Nastro Azzurro during the warmer months, presenting dotdotdotcomma's editorial team with a dilemma that can often only be solved by ordering both of them.

Lightweight
Half-a-lager-and-lime-shandy-top. For patrons who'd rather make this drink in the privacy of their own homes than order one in public, the recipe is as follows:
Take a ladies' half-pint glass and half fill it with lemonade. Add a shot of lime cordial. Add standard strength lager up to a dainty extended little finger's-width from the top of the glass and then top up with more lemonade. Remembering the correct order in which to do this - to avoid the type of head that would only add to the embarrassment of being seen with one of these - is the only thing about this drink that's hard.

Tristram Shandy
Not so much a cocktail; more a sort of anti-cocktail. A cockandbulltail, if you will. This is simply an empty glass, served at room temperature. Very dry.

Hand Shandy
One of a range of extras offered by Miss Stiletto, the bar's resident friend to the lonely. Coach parties please book.

Martini McCutcheon
A classic martini with an aufentic East End accent. Luvverly.

Tequila Sunblock
A somewhat glutinous confection that not only offers effective protection against UV-A and UV-B but is also a refreshing drink, if you actually manage to suck it up the straw. If applied externally, its intoxicating effects will still be felt, thanks to the process of osmosis. Available in factors 10, 15 and 20.

Loaded Gin
A generous measure of the finest quality gin, supplemented with two parts of the strongest liquor the barman can reach at the time. A drink that constantly surprises.

Spirito di Punto
An unmistakably Mediterranean cocktail that leaves you feeling as if you've been run over by a small, badly made hatchback.

Gin and I.T.
A classic recipe given a contemporary twist, this version of the sweet martini is unusually dry, as a result of the use of virtual vermouth. It is served in measures of one-sixth and one-third of a megabyte, with upgrades available at the barman's discretion, and is guaranteed virus-free.

The Cruel To A Gin And Tonic
A stingy measure of cheap gin, mixed with a bottle of tonic that's been kicked around the floor for a bit and served in a chipped, cracked and dirty glass with a slice of bludgeoned lemon.

Devil's Avocaat
A large glass of Avocaat, served with a single devilled egg at the bottom of the glass. A drink for which The Healthy Slug is justly renowned, this concoction actually manages to make Avocaat taste worse than it does neat, a feat which had been considered impossible.

What The...,?
Made to a secret recipe, this arresting drink is named for the first words out of the mouth of anyone who tries it. Not suitable for vegans, vegetarians or non-cannibals.

Rum Judy
Invented as a response to the more famous Rum Punch, this cocktail eschews the traditional ingredients in favour of far less appetising ones. The cocktail enjoys limited popularity mainly because of this approach, which turned out not to be the way to do it.

Risky
Half rum, half whisky, totally disgusting. Said to be popular on the Isle of Mull.

Afro-Caribbean Russian/Caucasian Russian
The recipes remain unchanged but current legislation has obliged The Healthy Slug to rename these traditional cocktails. It's political correctness gone mentally challenged.

Singapore Surgical Stocking
One for the more senior patron, this cocktail is easy on the eye, stomach and denture fixative. Served in an easy-grip beaker.

Mud In Your Eye
Mixed from equal measures of Crème de Menthe and Bailey's, this is rather like drinking an After Eight. The drink's taste is pleasant but its aspect is not, so each one is served with a blindfold.

Sick Over A Road Sign
A bottle of tomato juice, laced with a single shot of whisky. Charged with creating a drink that tastes as much as possible like vomit, The Healthy Slug's head barman came up with this. The tomato juice provides the requisite thick, chunky consistency and the measure of cheap whisky provides that sharp catch at the back of the throat. Tastes the same, no matter which way it's going when it passes over the taste buds.

For patrons visiting The Healthy Slug in an attempt to alleviate the effects of over-indulgence, the cocktail bar offers the following hangover cures:

Hair Of The Dog
An invigorating drink, made by mixing the contents of the The Healthy Slug's drip trays from the night before. One for real emetic fans.

Vomiting
See Hair Of The Dog.

Bloody Mary
The Healthy Slug's resident bare-knuckle fighter, who competes under the name Bloody Mary, will cheerfully give patrons a pasting that will make them forget all about any hangover from which they may be suffering.

Muddy Mary
A generous shot of vodka stirred with a stick of limp celery into a glass of V8 mixed vegetable juice, along with a dash of Worcestershire sauce. A warming drink devised to commemorate the thousands who lost a good shoe or even a car in some corner of a Buckinghamshire field at the 2000 British Grand Prix. Wellingtons optional.

A Nice, Comfortable, Protracted Sit-Down In The Smallest Room
Take a seat in one of The Healthy Slug's cubicles and fire away. Quilted paper extra.

Walking 15 Miles Home
This does rather depend on finding yourself that far from home and thinking at the time that it seems like a pretty good idea to walk back but, in the editors' experience, it does the trick.

And, of course, as The Healthy Slug's head barman says: "Drinking heavily the night before is always good for a hangover."

¹The Healthy Slug is dotdotdotcomma's local drinking establishment and is so named because of the staff's sometimes ad hoc but always generous approach to measuring shorts. Its original, much funnier, name has sadly been lost in the mists of an enduring alcoholic haze.