dotdotdotcomma.com F1 news

Crashibashi hopes to hit ground running

2012-02-07T11:44:35Z

Kamikaze Crashibashi¹ has said that he hopes the new Sober² will hit the ground running when testing starts today at Jerez.

This is slightly at odds with the team, who are hoping that it doesn't hit the ground at all.

Still, with Kamikaze at the wheel, all bets are off.

¹Kamui Kobayashi: Top notch Nipponese feller
²Sauber: Thoroughly interesting Swiss-based F1 team, failing to remain neutral as the Ferrari junior squad.

Fatjohn: 2009 trials made me stronger

2012-02-07T11:44:16Z

Roman Fatjohn¹ believes that the difficulties he faced when he raced for Yellow² in 2009 have made him a stronger and more rounded driver.

The frenchman admitted that he had made mistakes after replacing Half-Nelson Piquet³ in late 2009, not the least of which was replacing Half-Nelson Piquet in late 2009, but said that facing criticism during that year and being dropped by the team in favour of an all-new line-up the following year had helped strengthen his determination and aided his return to the F1 fold.

"All I want to say to the people who didn't believe in me is 'Thank you'," he said, although we may have misheard him there. "Thank you for making me stronger, which has helped me get back to Formula One."

Ah, there we go. It was definitely "Thank you" then.

"In 2009 I made some mistakes," he continued. "I was up against Fernando Alonsulk⁴, a former world champion, and I didn't do everything right. This time round I'm up against Kimi Faustussen⁵ and..., Oh. Zoot alors."

Having Half-Nelson Piquet back in F1 is not exactly high on our wish list but there would be an undeniable symmetry to seeing him replace Fatjohn late in 2012 should the frenchman fail to perform.

¹Romain Grosjean: GP2 champion - at the second time of asking - and sometime F1 driver
²Renault: french automobile marque now with its own F1 team, fingers in many other quiches; also one engine supplier to F3
³Nelsinho Piquet: Son of Nelson
⁴Fernando Alonso: Youngest ever F1 double world champion, and rival for Nigel Mansell's Thickest Eyebrows In Motor-Racing title
⁵Kimi Raikkonen: The current Flying Finn™

F1 launches update: HRT

2012-02-06T17:31:36Z

Artist's impression of the HRT F112

The Hotflush Racing Team¹ team is said to be close to launching what passes for its 2012 challenger, following a top secret shakedown at the weekend.

Team principal and former Minibardi² hot-shot* Luis Perry Cider³ is said to be impressed with the performance of the car (pictured, right?), the inspiration for which came as a result of a Christmas present from his mum.

"I was desperate," he said, "and willing to try anything."

Experienced** F1 returnee Pedro Docklands Light Railway⁴ reckons the car has potential.

"Yes," said the driver whose career to this point was 35 times more successful than his team boss, "it's a bit of a bumpy ride and its response is frankly wooden, but it's still a massive improvement on the ludicrously-named F111."

In related news:Next week, MotherRussia⁵'s Phone Booth⁶ explains how he got the inspiration for the MR01 from something he won in a Christmas cracker.

Lucky he didn't get the nail clippers, eh, readers?

* Don't laugh. He scored a point.
** Old.

¹Hispania Racing Team: F1 outfit, known briefly as Campos Meta, with an unfortunately comical abbreviated name
²Minardi: Plucky, little Australo-Malaysian owned, Anglo-Italian based Italian team.
³Luis Perez Sala: Point-scoring ex-Minardi driver, and there aren't many of those around.
⁴Pedro de la Rosa: Speedy Spaniard, who never quite lives up to initial promise
⁵Marussia: The second incarnation of Virgin Racing, re-branded to promote a Russian car maker
⁶John Booth: Team boss of the Manor Motorsport empire

Ferrarsi cancels new car launch event

2012-02-02T13:29:19Z

Ferrarsi¹ has cancelled the launch ceremony of its 2012 Formula One car because of poor weather conditions in Maranello.

Wintry conditions have left the Fiorano circuit covered in snow, prompting the team to call off the planned unveiling of the car and its first run immediately afterwards. Is it just us or does this seem to happen every year?

"Unfortunately the snow means that the car will not run on Friday," said a spokesman. "There is no point in doing that in such slippery conditions and anyway if we want to see our car spinning, who needs snow when you've got Felipe Massiveshunt²?"

¹Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
²Felipe Massa: High octane Brazilian whose inability to get round corners without spinning is only matched by, er, his inability to go down the straights without spinning.

San Miguel: I'm proud to be at McLap'em

2012-02-02T13:29:03Z

Former Millions¹ technical director San Miguel² says he is already proud to be working at McLap'em³, after just a short time in his new position as the team's sporting director.

"I am really proud to be working for McLap'em, even though I haven't been here long," he said, neatly paraphrasing us at the launch of the MP4-27.

"The synergy of this place is strength in depth. It's not like a seven-post rig you can go and buy, install and catch up. It is instilled over years; it is ingrained in the company. It is rewarding working around it. It's already a very refined machine. It's all about trying to create a new benchmark, work car quality, operational reliability..."

He certainly seems to be settling in well: he's already spouting fluent Ronspeak.

¹Williams: Phenomenally successful F1 stalwarts currently based in Grove. Run by a couple of grumpy old men, with a penchant for sacking great drivers for no apparent reason, the team nonetheless inspire hordes of British fans despite their German ubermeisters.
²Sam Michael: Baby-faced chief operations engineer at Williams.
³McLaren: They're the team in grey - they're just the team at C&A...,

Adrian Brutal 'will take time' after sentencing

2012-02-01T12:21:23Z

Adrian Brutal¹ says he will take time to reflect and consider his next career move after receiving a suspended sentence for assaulting Lowcost² team co-owner Eric Lux.

Going by the sketchy details to emerge from the hearing - a champagne glass and neck injuries were apparently involved - it sounds to us like he's lucky the headline wasn't "Adrian Brutal 'will do time' after sentencing".

¹Adrian Sutil: Former German 2006 Japanese F3 champion (there's an Axis joke in there somewhere...,) and former midfield/back-marker F1 driver with an unexpected sideline in picking fights in bars
²Lotus F1: A rebranded version of the Renault F1 team (formerly Benetton (formerly Toleman)), as it adopts the most used - and mis-used - name in the sport.

Suityou tried 'everything' to settle row

2012-01-30T13:49:03Z

Adrian Suityou¹ has told a German court that he did everything he could to try to settle a row with Lowcost² team co-owner Eric Lux after their fight in a Chinese night club last year.

Speaking on the first day of a court hearing in Munich, the former Force Underdog³ driver revealed that he had offered to help charity efforts in Africa in a bid to draw a line under the matter, which bizarre suggestion gives an indication of how drunk he may have been at the time.

"I did everything to try to settle this row," said Suityou. "I offered to sponsor a rhino for him. I said I'd run the New York marathon dressed as a smurf. I said I'd bungee jump off Auckland Harbour Bridge. But nothing was enough for him."

Lux told the court that he wanted a face-to-face apology from Suityou and that he would re-consider the smurf offer.

The case continues.*

*I've always wanted to say that.

Lowcost names 2012 F1 challenger

2012-01-30T08:55:29Z

Lowcost F1¹ has announced the name of its 2012 challenger, ahead of the car's first test later this month.

The car will be called the E20, which commemorates the fact that it's the 20th F1 chassis designed at the team's base in Enstone.

That's the official line, anyway. Paddock rumour has it that team boss Eric Bouillon² is just a really big Eastenders fan.

¹Lotus F1: A rebranded version of the Renault F1 team (formerly Benetton (formerly Toleman)), as it adopts the most used - and mis-used - name in the sport.
²Eric Boullier: Former A1GP Team france general manager who was parachuted in to run the Renault/Lotus F1 team.

Spain seeks new broadcaster for F1

2012-01-27T15:04:01Z

Spain faces a race against time to find a broadcaster for Formula One in 2012, after the rights owner ended its contract with the existing licensee.

La Sexta has been showing F1 races - and, judging by its name, possibly more adult-themed content as well - since 2009, having signed a contract with Mediapro to broadcast the footage until 2013. With this deal having fallen through, Mediapro is now seeking a new broadcaster at short notice.

Sky, the devil's own satellite TV provider, has already made an offer to show comprehensive coverage for a mere 80 euros per month (120 euros if you want it in HD) and has said that it would be happy to partner a free-to-air channel, which would be permitted to show a 15-minute highlights programme no sooner than three days after each race, to be aired between the hours of 3am and 5am (local time).

Or Spanish F1 fans can just stream the coverage illegally over the internet, like we're all planning to do in the UK.

Clarkkinen 'very positive' after test

2012-01-26T12:31:36Z

F1 returnee Kimberli Clarkkinen¹ has said that after his two-day re-acclimatisation test in Valencia, he has been left feeling 'very positive'.

It is understood that the Finn accidentally touched one of the live terminals of a fully-charged KERS battery and is waiting for the sensation to wear off.

¹Kimi Raikkonen: The current Flying Finn™