dotdotdotcomma.com F1 news

McLap'em 'has no qualms' ahead of season opener

2013-03-13T14:23:08Z

McLap'em¹ team boss Martin Whiplash² says that his team has no qualms going into the 2013 Formula One season, just a few days before this weekend's opening race in Australia.

The squad's pace over the winter has been inconsistent, giving no clear picture of where the Woking outfit stands relative to its rivals, and Whiplash's latest admission further muddies the waters.

Several teams unveiled variants of the new QUALMS (Quasi-Aerodynamic Load Minimisation System) devices during testing earlier in the year and McLap'em was notable in fielding the only potentially front-running car not to feature such a system.

QUALMS works by minimising the load experienced by aerodynamic surfaces without affecting the downforce they produce, allowing teams to fabricate much lighter components which are nevertheless capable of providing the same levels of performance.

"It's the latest in a long line of F1 innovations that give engineers a semi but mean fuck-all to casual fans," explained a clearly excited spokesman from dotdotdotcomma's engineering department.

Whiplash went on to say that not only is McLap'em lacking qualms, they also "have nothing to fret over", are approaching the season "with no real hassles" and that they "haven't had a quandary in the factory for months". So it sounds as if their car might be missing quite a few other bits and pieces too.

¹McLaren: They're the team in grey - they're just the team at C&A...,
²Martin Whitmarsh: Another McLaren egghead.

F1 Pre-Season Testing: MoreHades dream team tipped to storm 2013 season

2013-03-12T14:21:23Z

Lies, damned lies, and Vitalstatistix�

Pre-season testing for the 2013 Formula 1™ World Championship concluded in Barcelona just the other day, and ANTARA™'s gigantic supercomputer has now finished processing the results in a little under seven-and-a-half-million years. So we can now exclusively announce that Who Is Hamilton?¹ is the official 2013 ANTARA™ Formula 1™ Pre-Season Testing Champion.

Hamilton won the title on a technicality, having scored the same number of points (36) as team-mate Nicky Iceberg², including the same number of wins (2), second places (1), and thrids (0). In such an eventuality, paragraph 1.6.5(d) of the Sporting Regulations apply, and the title is decided alphabetically. The result is fantastic news for the MoreHades³ team, who at last have two drivers worthy of the name.

Although Rosberg won the last event in Barcelona, ahead of Alonso Quixano⁴ and Bunsen Jet-On⁵, his performances over the series have been slightly hit-and-miss, whereas Hamilton has steadily built his form up to record two wins and a second in his last three events.

Locust⁶'s wacky racer Roman Fatjohn⁷ was a surprise thrid in the final standings, equalling Hamilton and Iceberg (and fourth-placed Jet-On) on points, but failing to record any second places to support his brace of wins.

Reigning F1 world champion Speed-and-Thrash Metal⁸ failed to score a win, but was at least the highest placed non-winner, even managing to beat event-winning team-mate Mark Cobber⁹. Worst placed winner, conversely, was new McLap'em¹⁰ signing Scorchio Perez¹¹, whose single win was responsible for keeping Metal off the top step of the podium at the second outing in Barcelona back in February.

In the constructors' competition, it should come as no surprise that MoreHades have taken the crown, with the consistency of Fatjohn and Kimberli Clarkkinen¹² securing second spot for Locust. A gaggle comprising Red Rag¹³, Ferrarsi¹⁴ and McLap'em finished, respectively, thrid to fifth, with an interesting statistical spread of driver performances: the Red Rag drivers, appearing evenly matched in an uninspiring car, were sandwiched between Quixano (as usual getting more from his car than most people would) and Yessa Massa¹⁵ (as usual getting less), and, in turn, Jet-On's respectable performances in the McLap'em, beating both Ferrarsis and Red Rags, were more than compensated for by Perez failing to get to grips with his new motor, and similarly failing to beat anybody worth mentioning.

Offal ANTARA™ F1 Pre-Season Testing Championship: FINAL RESULT
1 Lewis Hamilton (Mercedes) 36
2 Nico Rosberg (Mercedes) 36
3 Romain Grosjean (Lotus) 36
4 Jenson Button (McLaren) 36
5 Kimi Raikkonen (Lotus) 34
6 Fernando Alonso (Ferrarsi) 33
7 Sebastian Vettel (Red Bull) 32
8 Mark Webber (Red Bull) 30
9 Felipe Massa (Ferrarsi) 28
10 Nico Hulkenberg (Sauber) 28
11 Jean Eric Vergne (Toro Rosso) 28
12 Pastor Maldonado (Williams) 27
13 Paul di Resta (Force India) 25
14 Sergio Perez (McLaren) 24
15 Daniel Ricciardo (Toro Rosso) 23
16 Valtteri Bottas (Williams) 23
17 Esteban Gutierrez (Sauber) 23
18 Jules Bianchi (Force India) 16
19 Max Chilton (Marussia) 9
20 Giedo van der Garde (Caterham) 8
21 Charles Pic (Caterham) 3
[Adrian Sutil, Pedro de la Rosa, Timo Glock, Luis Razia, James Rossiter, Davide Valsecchi - nul points]

Constructors' Championship
1 Mercedes 72
2 Lotus 70
3 Red Bull 62
4 Ferrarsi 61
5 McLaren 60
6 Sauber 51
7 Toro Rosso 51
8 Williams 50
9 Force Inda 41
10 Caterham 11
11 Marussia 9

¹Lewis Hamilton: The most successful F1 rookie, like, ever. Comes from Stevenage. Lives in Switzerland. Nuff sed.
²Nico Rosberg: Son of Keke.
³Mercedes-Benz: German car manufacturer with a glorious F1 history, now partner to McLaren.
⁴Fernando Alonso: Youngest ever F1 double world champion, and rival for Nigel Mansell's Thickest Eyebrows In Motor-Racing title
⁵Jenson Button: F1 driver. English bloke. Alleged future world champion. Likes the ladies.
⁶Lotus: Sports-car marque with an impressive motor-racing heritage. Suppliers of metallic brown conveyances to Ellipsis Virgule�x2122;
⁷Romain Grosjean: GP2 champion - at the second time of asking - and sometime F1 driver
⁸Sebastian Vettel: Single-seater racer who's not quite as good as Paul di Resta but has the right passport as far as BMW are concerned.
⁹Mark Webber: Top Aussie who impressed at Minardi by coming fifth in his first GP in front of an adoring home crowd at Melbourne 2001
¹⁰McLaren: They're the team in grey - they're just the team at C&A...,
¹¹Sergio Perez: Mexican racer
¹²Kimi Raikkonen: The current Flying Finn™
¹³Red Bull: Long-time F1 sponsor and all-American sickly pink fizz suppliers. With wings.
¹⁴Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
¹⁵Felipe Massa: High octane Brazilian whose inability to get round corners without spinning is only matched by, er, his inability to go down the straights without spinning.

ANTARA™ F1 testing: Clarkkinen heads table after Barcelona

2013-02-28T10:08:39Z

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Making it up as we go along.�

In the first session at Barcelona last week Nicky Iceberg¹ put in his first bid to prove he is still the best driver at MoreHades², even now that pointy-chinned makeweight Michael Backmarker³ has been replaced by someone half-decent, by alliteravely topping the timesheets on Tuesday, ahead of Kimberli Clarkkinen⁴ and Alonso Quixano⁵. On the following day Scorchio Perez⁶ finally put any concerns McLap'em⁷ might have had about signing the Mexican with his first victory, after a string of uninspiring seventh places, eclipsing Speed-And-Thrash Metal⁸, whose regular forays onto the podium have so far failed to make it to the top step.

Thursday saw a precious win for Alonso in the Ferrarsi⁹, the Spaniard just needing to record one more time to enable his win, thrid and fifth to mean anything pointswise, Murray.* Incredible Hulkenberg¹⁰ and Roman Fatjohn¹¹ took the remaining podium positions. Finally, on Friday, Who Is Hamilton?¹² took a win for MoreHades², by which we don't mean that this is the skateboarding duck of this news piece, more that Hamilton has eventually, at long last, and when all's said and done at the end of the day, Brian, achieved a victory for his new squid on his fourth outing, after two sixths and a fourth, something even Backmarker achieved in his second sortie last year.

And finally, in Friday's session, the Walliams¹³ team's drivers, New New New Flying Finn™ Valkkyrie Bonkkers¹⁴ and the inexplicable Pastor Maldonarsehole¹⁵, managed to do 36 laps between them, without setting a single time. Turns out the reason was that they were spending the day practising pit stops. ANTARA™ officials were momentarily concerned as to whether the sporting regulations** should in fact recognise completed laps rather than timed laps, and almost sent out their secretary to obtain a fag packet the back of which so to use at an emergency meeting down the pub in order to address the anomaly, before they realised that both drivers had already recorded four times, and the price of a fag packet could therefore be saved, and they could stay where they were, down the pub. Trebles all round!

It just remains for your correspondent to ask what kind of men Messrs Bonkkers and Maldonarsehole think they are that they didn't take the opportunity to sneak a couple of flying laps in, whatever their team orders were. Sir Rollingstonegathersno Moss¹⁶ would be appalled. Pussies.

ANTARA™ Provisional Pre-Season F1 Testing Championship Standings: after round 2, Barcelona:
1 Kimi Raikkonen (Lotus) 34
2 Sebastian Vettel (Red Bull) 32
3 Nico Rosberg (Mercedes) 29
4 Jenson Button (McLaren) 27
= Romain Grosjean (Lotus)
= Lewis Hamilton (Mercedes)
7 Daniel Ricciardo (Toro Rosso)
8 Paul di Resta (Force India) 22
= Felipe Massa (Ferrarsi)
= Sergio Perez (McLaren)

* Copies of the Sporting Regulations are available on demand. Simply send a fax to mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com and enclosing a large self-addressed envelope.
** See *.

¹Nico Rosberg: Son of Keke.
²Mercedes-Benz: German car manufacturer with a glorious F1 history, now partner to McLaren.
³Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and never looked back. Noted for refusing to race with a comparably talented team-mate.
⁴Kimi Raikkonen: The current Flying Finn™
⁵Fernando Alonso: Youngest ever F1 double world champion, and rival for Nigel Mansell's Thickest Eyebrows In Motor-Racing title
⁶Sergio Perez: Mexican racer
⁷McLaren: They're the team in grey - they're just the team at C&A...,
⁸Sebastian Vettel: Single-seater racer who's not quite as good as Paul di Resta but has the right passport as far as BMW are concerned.
⁹Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
¹⁰Nico Hulkenberg: German A1GP and perennial F3 driver
¹¹Romain Grosjean: GP2 champion - at the second time of asking - and sometime F1 driver
¹²Lewis Hamilton: The most successful F1 rookie, like, ever. Comes from Stevenage. Lives in Switzerland. Nuff sed.
¹³Williams: Phenomenally successful F1 stalwarts currently based in Grove. Run by a couple of grumpy old men, with a penchant for sacking great drivers for no apparent reason, the team nonetheless inspire hordes of British fans despite their German ubermeisters.
¹⁴Valtteri Bottas: Finnish driver without a K in his name. We'll see about that...,
¹⁵Pastor Maldonado: 'Venezuelan young man who has conquered the most emblematic tracks world wide,' it says 'ere
¹⁶Stirling Moss: Grand Prix legend or opinionated old fart. You decide.

Brutal: I've done everything I can

2013-02-22T15:20:25Z

Bouffanted F1 wannabe-again Adrian Brutal¹ says that he believes he has done all he can to earn a seat with Force Underdog² after testing for the team at Barcelona on Thursday.

The German, currently having one for the road in F1's last chance saloon, left the squad at the end of the 2011 season and then spent a year out of the sport while he cleared up that ghastly misunderstanding about a champagne glass he was holding being accidentally viciously smashed into the neck of one of the Locust³ F1 team's financiers in some nightclub somewhere.*

"I don't know who has the better chance," said Brutal after the test. "I've done everything I can do to get my comeback and now it's up to them to decide."

With only three weeks until the start of the season, the team will soon have to make a decision about who is to partner Paul di Other-One⁴ but it is thought that the senior managers won't be announcing anything until Brutal and his short fuse are a safe distance away and preferably on the other side of high, stout wall.

"We shouldn't have much trouble finding one of those in Germany," said a team spokesman with no discernible talent for diplomacy.

*The misunderstanding was eventually cleared up by Brutal being handed a suspended sentence and a hefty fine.

¹Adrian Sutil: Former German 2006 Japanese F3 champion (there's an Axis joke in there somewhere...,) and former midfield/back-marker F1 driver with an unexpected sideline in picking fights in bars
²Force India: The team that used to be Jordan..., I mean Midland..., no, wait, Spyker.
³Lotus: Sports-car marque with an impressive motor-racing heritage. Suppliers of metallic brown conveyances to Ellipsis Virgule�x2122;
⁴Paul di Resta: 2006 F3 Euroseries champion (third Brit to do so in a row)

2013 ANTARA™ Pre-Season F1 Testing Championship kicks off in Jerez. Weeks ago.

2013-02-22T14:55:56Z

The 2013 ANTARA™ Pre-Season F1 Testing Championship* kicked off in Jerez, ages ago now. dotdotdotcomma apologise for the slight delay, which is due to our editorial team only just having emerged from hibernation.

And the shock news is that Farce India¹'s flying Scotsman Paul di Other-One² is heading the championship tables with a massive 16 points to everybody else's zero, thanks to being the only driver to have recorded the necessary minimum four times. So well done, Paul.

Oh, OK, so there have only been four sessions, so, just this once, let's have a look at how drivers who have so far dismally failed to record four times have faired.

The fastèst time on Tuesday was set by Bunsen Jet-On³, and it's good to see him get his early season peak in form over with so quickly. And the same can be said for Roman Fatjohn⁴, whose thrid on Tuesday was only bettered by a first on Wednesday. The week's other winners were Ferrarsi⁵'s Yessa Massa⁶ and Kimberli Clarkkinen⁷ in the Locust⁸.

So, nothing much to write home about really. Even the wry smile we admit to wearing on hearing that all Who Is Hamilton?⁹ managed to achieve in his new Mercredi¹⁰ was a sixth place on each of Wednesday and Friday was mildly detracted from by the fact that his replacement at McLap'em¹¹, Scorchio Perez¹² only managed a brace of sevenths in the same sessions.

Oh well. Roll on March.

Watch this space for news of more F1 Pre-Season Testing from Barcelona, and some GP3 testing at Estoril, both of which are happening as I type.

Official ANTARA™ Pre-Season F1 Testing Championship standings after Round 1 (Jerez):
1 Paul di Resta (Force India) 16 points
2 Everyone else 0 points

* Copies of the Sporting Regulations are available on demand by phoning mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com and leaving a message after the beep.

¹Force India: The team that used to be Jordan..., I mean Midland..., no, wait, Spyker.
²Paul di Resta: 2006 F3 Euroseries champion (third Brit to do so in a row)
³Jenson Button: F1 driver. English bloke. Alleged future world champion. Likes the ladies.
⁴Romain Grosjean: GP2 champion - at the second time of asking - and sometime F1 driver
⁵Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
⁶Felipe Massa: High octane Brazilian whose inability to get round corners without spinning is only matched by, er, his inability to go down the straights without spinning.
⁷Kimi Raikkonen: The current Flying Finn™
⁸Lotus: Sports-car marque with an impressive motor-racing heritage. Suppliers of metallic brown conveyances to Ellipsis Virgule�x2122;
⁹Lewis Hamilton: The most successful F1 rookie, like, ever. Comes from Stevenage. Lives in Switzerland. Nuff sed.
¹⁰Mercedes-Benz: German car manufacturer with a glorious F1 history, now partner to McLaren.
¹¹McLaren: They're the team in grey - they're just the team at C&A...,
¹²Sergio Perez: Mexican racer

Moveover wowed by Jet-on's time

2013-02-08T14:42:40Z

Felipe Moveover¹ believes that Bunsen Jet-on²'s fastest time from pre-season testing at Jerez on Tuesday was very impressive, although the Ferrarsi³ driver beat it on Thursday.

Moveover, who spent most of last season facing rumours that he would lose he seat, was testing the 2013 Ferrarsi on Thursday when he lapped the circuit over a second quicker than Jet-on.

"I still believe his lap was incredible," said Moveover of the Briton's effort at the end of the third day of testing. "It really was a quick lap."

Nope, it's no good. We're sure Felipe is trying to make some kind of subtle point here but for the life of us, we just can't work it out.

¹Felipe Massa: High octane Brazilian whose inability to get round corners without spinning is only matched by, er, his inability to go down the straights without spinning.
²Jenson Button: F1 driver. English bloke. Alleged future world champion. Likes the ladies.
³Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Ecclescake talks sense for once

2012-12-08T15:39:05Z

Formula 1 supremo™ Bernie Ecclescake¹ believes Michael Comebacker² would have been better off not returning to the sport following his first retirement.

As do we all.

"I would rather he had stopped as a seven-time world champion than stopping now," Ecclescake told the official Formula 1 website, which is a little too much like talking to yourself, in our opinion. "People new to the sport will remember Michael now, not as he was.

"They won't see the machine that won world championships almost every other year for sixteen years on average, even if most of the time he did it by subterfuge, cheating or downright ramming his opponents off the track," he went on. "No, they'll remember the perpetual midfielder who failed to even win a race for the team that, let's face it, took Bunsen Jet-On³ to world championship victory, and who was outdriven almost every other race in 2012 by a Catering⁴ of all things."

Honestly, we think he did say that.

What Ecclescake definitely did say later on was "I think the important thing is - and this is probably difficult - to know when you can't do what you used to do anymore and then hand it over to somebody else."

Yes, Bernie, it is difficult to know that, isn't it? And, far be it from us to give credence to anything he might say, but we recall Loser di Montecarlo⁵ saying something similar to that only the other day.

But, while we're talking of Ferrarsi⁶, Ecclescake went on to speak in hushed tones about how Comebacker's close ties with MoreHades⁷ meant that Formula One Management have been unable to offer him a role to stay involved in the sport.

"Well, we wouldn't and we couldn't keep him in another role because he is too close to MoreHades," he insinuated. "It would have been easier when he was still close to Ferrarsi, I guess."

Yes, thanks, Bernie. That about confirms everything we've ever thought about Ferrarsi and your even more shady organisation. The prosecution rests, m'lud.

¹Bernie Ecclestone: The Yoda of F1.
²Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and never looked back. Noted for refusing to race with a comparably talented team-mate.
³Jenson Button: F1 driver. English bloke. Alleged future world champion. Likes the ladies.
⁴Caterham: Tony Fernandes's second attempt at naming his F1 team after Lotus got sniffy about his first one.
⁵Luca di Montezemolo: Some guy who owns a Ferrari. Oh, sorry. the Ferrari.
⁶Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
⁷Mercedes-Benz: German car manufacturer with a glorious F1 history, now partner to McLaren.

Sienna optimistic of F1 stay

2012-12-04T16:41:02Z

Burnt Sienna¹ remains hopeful that he will be on the Formula One grid next season, despite having lost his seat at Millions².

The Brazilian has been replaced by Finnish driver Valkkyrie Bonkkers³, who will partner Pastor Maldonarsehole⁴ for the 2013 season, but Sienna is confident that F1 viewers haven't seen the last of him.

"I'm talking to lots of people," said Sienna at a press conference, immediately proving his point. "There's been interest from TV and radio about using me as a pundit, so I'm pretty sure I'll be on the grid next year. You know, talking to some of the guys who actually drive the cars."

But a spokesman for BBC Radio Five Live, which gave former Lollo Rosso⁵ driver Jamie Andhismagictorch⁶ a co-commentator position when he lost his drive at the end of 2011, said that he would think twice before putting a recent driver on the grid in a media role.

"We tried that with Jamie at a couple of races," he said, "and it didn't go at all well. As soon as he saw someone else's name on one of the Lollo Rossos, he started blubbing uncontrollably.

"To give you an idea of exactly how badly it went, we had to get Jar-Jar Allen⁷ to fill in on his own for five minutes. And you don't do that sort of thing lightly."

¹Bruno Senna: Uncle Ayrton's little nephew
²Williams: Phenomenally successful F1 stalwarts currently based in Grove. Run by a couple of grumpy old men, with a penchant for sacking great drivers for no apparent reason, the team nonetheless inspire hordes of British fans despite their German ubermeisters.
³Valtteri Bottas: Finnish driver without a K in his name. We'll see about that...,
⁴Pastor Maldonado: 'Venezuelan young man who has conquered the most emblematic tracks world wide,' it says 'ere
⁵Scuderia Toro Rosso: The Red Bull Junior team. Red bullocks, in other words.
⁶Jaime Alguersuari: Another in the never-ending series of Red Bullocks.
⁷James Allen: Pathetic, fawning, dribbling little twat. Succeeded, but did not replace, Murray Walker on ITV's F1 coverage. Likes Michael Schumacher. A lot. Wants his babies.

Petrol crowned F1 Division 3 Champion

2012-12-03T15:03:45Z

2012 F1D3 Champion Vitally Petrol, clearly standing on the top step of the podium, with runner-up Ecky Thumpalainen, trying to look serious, and failing dismally.

The results of the official* FIEh?¹ 2012 Formula 1 Division 3 Championship have now been compiled by dotdotdotcomma's team of retentive statisticians, and we can exclusively reveal that Vitally Petrol² has won the championship, beating his closest rival and teammate Ecky Thumpalainen³ into second place by the narrowest of margins.

The F1D3 Championship is open to any Formula 1 drivers whose team failed to trouble the scorers in any particular year. Points are awarded on the usual scale of 25-18-15-12-10-8... and that's as far as it gets, with positions recorded regardless of whether the race was finished, or, with particular reference to Hotflush Racing Team⁴, even started.

2012 was a classic year for F1D3, what with the extended 24-car grid, 18 of whom succeeded in troubling the scorers so comprehensively that only one driver outside the F1D3 teams failed to score, and that was Custard d'Ambrosia⁵, who only competed in one race in a car that not only lost its KERS, but also can't have been in particularly good shape after the way that Roman Fatjohn⁶ had been hurling it at every other car on the circuit for the previous dozen races or so.

The season kicked off in Australia with a win for Time O'Clock⁷ in the Motherrussia⁸. This was followed by an unprecedented hat-trick of victories for Vitally Petrol, and a similarly extraordinary, but therefore precedented, hat-trick for team-mate Thumpalainen, after which the Catering⁹ duo traded wins in a manner that would have been ideal material for a Hale Report from HHTV News.

But not for long! In Singapore, O'Clock returned to form with an outstanding victory - taking 12th place overall - and thereby giving Motherrussia the coveted 10th place in the actual F1 constructors' championship thanks to the slightly silly way in which the actual FIEh?, in their allegedly infinite wisdom, calculate such things, and despite the fact that Catering were simply miles ahead in the F1D3 points at that, um, juncture.

So, with a return to Petrol and Thumpalainen trading victories, it was therefore simply dulce et decorum when, at Interlagos, Vitally Petrol took a well-deserved win - 11th overall - to seal not only Catering's F1D3 Constructors' championship, but also 10th place overall for the team in the actual standings, as well as his own title as F1D3 drivers' champion, while Thumpalainen's third place behind Charles Pique¹⁰ kept the Russian rather uncomfortably honest, finishing a single point behind in the standings.

And finally, since we are contractually obliged to be mean about Michael Backmarker¹¹ in 77% of all news reports, we feel it necessary to point out that in 40% of races in 2012 the pointy-chinned German was roundly beaten by at least one F1D3 competitor, the chump.

Here are the final standings then.

Official* FIEh? Formula 1 Division 3 Drivers' Championship:
1 Vitally Petrol (Catering) 392
2 Ecky Thumpalainen (Catering) 391
3 Time O'Clock (Motherrussia) 314
4 Charles Pic (Motherrussia) 270
5 Pedro Docklands Light Railway (Hotflush Racing Team) 212
6 Narain Karthikeyan (Hotflush Racing Team) 181
From which we think it's pretty easy to work out the constructors' points, as we just can't be arsed.

* This is a lie.

¹FIA: A bunch of lads who make up the rules for a weekend of motor-racing while down the pub on the Friday night.
²Vitaly Petrov: Russia's greatest race machine
³Heikki Kovalainen: The Next Flying Finn�x2122;
⁴Hispania Racing Team: Former F1 outfit, known briefly as Campos Meta, with an unfortunately comical abbreviated name
⁵Jerome d'Ambrosio: Belgian racing driver
⁶Romain Grosjean: GP2 champion - at the second time of asking - and sometime F1 driver
⁷Timo Glock: Former F3 Euroseries runner and now Jordan tester
⁸Marussia: The second incarnation of Virgin Racing, re-branded to promote a Russian car maker
⁹Caterham: Tony Fernandes's second attempt at naming his F1 team after Lotus got sniffy about his first one.
¹⁰Charles Pic: Single-seater racer from Montelimar (near Praline, just up the road from Nougat) who had yet to cover himself in glory at the time of his arrival in F1.
¹¹Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and never looked back. Noted for refusing to race with a comparably talented team-mate.

Nothing changes at Millions

2012-11-29T21:36:52Z

Cheer up, Toto.

Grumpy old men Frank Millions¹ and Pat Dickhead² might be taking more of a back seat at Millions³ these days, but it seems their no-holds-barred attitude towards nurturing young racing talent* lives on in grumpy new man Toto WOOF!⁴.

Having inexplicably saced You're No Senna⁵ (a man who was a pretty consistent points scorer in 2012 and brought lots of cachet and, let's face it, cash to the strapped Grove squad) and yet retained Pastor Maldonarsehole⁶ (a man who may have fluily won the Spanish Grand Prix, but spent most of the rest of the year challenging Roman Fatjohn⁷ for the title of least professional driver in F1), the team have signed third driver and Finn without enough Ks in his name Valley Bottom⁸ while issuing the somewhat intimidating statement that "the team could not afford to give Bottom extra dispensation to mae mistaes in his debut year.

"If he doesn't deliver, he can just fuc off."

dotdotdotcomma considers that Toto should be rather more cheerful given who he's married to.

* cf. the fate of 1996 World Champion GameOn Still⁹

Editor's note: We apologise for the apparent smattering of typos in the above article, which is the result of a K-vacuum manifested by the lac of Ks in Valley Bottom's name.

¹Frank Williams: Eponymous team boss and fourteen-times Formula Dallara Wheelchair world champion (should I have said that?)
²Patrick Head: Stroppy Williams fat-cat
³Williams: Phenomenally successful F1 stalwarts currently based in Grove. Run by a couple of grumpy old men, with a penchant for sacking great drivers for no apparent reason, the team nonetheless inspire hordes of British fans despite their German ubermeisters.
⁴Torgen Christian "Toto" Wolff: Big Austrian cheese at Williams and husband of Susie née Stoddart, the lucky get.
⁵Bruno Senna: Uncle Ayrton's little nephew
⁶Pastor Maldonado: 'Venezuelan young man who has conquered the most emblematic tracks world wide,' it says 'ere
⁷Romain Grosjean: GP2 champion - at the second time of asking - and sometime F1 driver
⁸Valtteri Bottas: Finnish driver without a K in his name. We'll see about that...,
⁹Damon Hill: Old hippy geezer who once won a world championship for Williams before they sacked him. Now runs a dodgy car-hire company in the Midlands.