dotdotdotcomma.com F1 news

Comebacker: the records begin to tumble

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 13:18:08 +0100

The worlds most penalised F1 driver, the man who was disqualified from the 1997 World Championship, and self-styled most odious tosser in the history of motorsport, Michael Comebacker¹ is gradually losing his vice-like grip on the Guinness-and-a-cream-egg-and-a-run-around-the-building Book of World F1 Records™.

There is a bewildering array of records in Formula 1, which anyone who has ever visited our F1 records page and been frustrated by how shockingly out of date it is will appreciate. And they will probably be equally frustrated that about half the time, those records are held by Michael Comebacker. Yes, about half, I'd say.

dotdotdotcomma's dedicated team of researchers are in the process of updating all the records, and even adding some new ones, the deity of your choice help them, and in doing so, they have reliably informed us, they have today discovered that another Comebacker record has finally bitten the dust.

This time around it is the turn of "Points: most for vice champion", a record that the pointy-chinned German has held since 2006 when he managed to amass a colossal 121 points on the way to losing the championship to Fernando Alonsulk² (who scored 134).

We are pleased to announce that this record has effectively been broken, with nine more races still to go, and that not only has the potential runner-up broken the record, but so has the third-placed man, and the fourth has equalled it.

Now the more cynical among you - and we know you're out there because, well, you're exactly the demographic these hallowed pages are aimed at - are bound to point out that what with the points system being changed from 10 for a win to 25, it was inevitable that this record would be broken this year, and that this is further exacerbated by the fact that there are more races now than there were in 2006. And to this we would say, well, yes you've got a point.

"Well, yes," we would say, "you've got a point."

On the other hand, it could be argued that points systems do change and you're just going to have to live with it Mr Comebacker, and we really can't be bothered to do the math, as the yanks say, to see whether anyone would beat the record if you used a different system.

Anyway, it is still mathematically possible that Comebacker will finish second in this year's championship and beat his own record himself, although, to be honest, this is extremely unlikely on account of the fact that this year he is basically crap.

STOP PRESS: "Points: most in a season" has been claimed by Lewis Hamilton too.

¹Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and never looked back. Noted for refusing to race with a comparably talented team-mate.
²Fernando Alonso: Youngest ever F1 double world champion, and rival for Nigel Mansell's Thickest Eyebrows In Motor-Racing title

Austin promises very unique F1 circuit

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 13:53:03 +0100

Formula 1 fans and drivers have been promised that the new United States Grand Prix track in Austin, Texas will be one of the most challenging and spectacular in the world.

Devo Hellmouth¹, the promoter of the Austin event that is scheduled to hold its first race in 2012, has revealed that the circuit will be a break from the norm of modern F1 venues and is set to feature a selection of the very best sequences from other tracks around the world, which suggests an interesting interpretation of the expression "break from the norm".

"People will view it as a throwback to some of the older, traditional tracks," spake the Hellmouth, "although obviously with the added safety features and requirements that the FIEh?² has, including having run-off areas so wide that it is necessary for spectators to view the action on Kangaroo TV.

"It will be a track that the drivers will walk through and think: 'Man, I have to be on my best game today!'"

Clearly Mr Hellmouth is blinkered by his American origin, and fails to understand the simple truth that no F1 driver would ever think like that. No, they'd walk through and think "For sure, I have to be on my, you know, best game today, and er yeah."

Hellmouth said that final details of the location of the track will be released imminently, and that the actual layout should be made public in the next few weeks. He said he was excited by what he had seen from the plans, being put together by F1 circuit designer German Talker³, again suggesting an interesting interpretation of the expression "break from the norm".

At considerable expense, dotdotdotcomma have put together a piss-artist's impression of what the circuit is likely to look like.

¹Tavo Hellmund: Shady 'promoter' of alleged USGP in Austin, Texas.
²FIA: A bunch of lads who make up the rules for a weekend of motor-racing while down the pub on the Friday night.
³Hermann Tilke: The FIA's favourite circuit designer, who seems to rehash the same, tired, dull layouts every time he's given the chance to do something new and exciting.

Alonsulk adamant he will win title

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 14:12:10 +0100

Fernando Alonsulk¹ says Ferrarsi²'s performance in the British Grand Prix has left him more convinced that he will win the world championship this year - even though he failed to score a point.

dotdotdotcomma agrees that if the performance in question is about their ability to flout race rules on, for example, passing by cutting a chicane, then, yes, he might just win the title in the same way that Ferrarsi managed to engineer on so many occasions for Michael Shitparker³.

But that aside, the Spaniard's belief that he will triumph at the end of the season really demonstrates his total disconnection with the real world - what psychologists call a grand delusion.

We asked our private braincare specialist, Professor Pharyngeal-Reflex Demishrimp of the University of Liff.

"Vell look," he said, "Fernando's just zis guy, you know?"

The Prof went on to suggest that Alonsulk's use of the plural personal pronoun to describe his poor performances at both Valencia and Silverstone in his post-race analysis - in other words putting half the blame onto the team - may, at first glance, have appeared to conflict with his assertion that it is Ferrarsi's performance that will lead to his supposed championship victory. In fact, psychologically speaking, there is no conflict at all: by placing the credit for his potential title win with Ferrarsi's performance, assuming it keeps to the high* standards it set at Silverstone, he is setting himself up to be able to blame the team for his failure to win the title when that eventuality eventually, um, happens, just as he appeared to blame them for Valencia and Silverstone.

Leading motorsport commentators are adamant that the only title Fernando Alonsulk is likely to win this year is "Odious tosser in the history of motorsport: most", an award that has had Michael Shitparker's name engraved on it for the past thirty-seven years.

* Shome mishtake shurely? Ed.

¹Fernando Alonso: Youngest ever F1 double world champion, and rival for Nigel Mansell's Thickest Eyebrows In Motor-Racing title
²Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
³Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and never looked back. Noted for refusing to race with a comparably talented team-mate.

Lewis: denial of Stevenage almost complete

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 14:31:22 +0100

The exciting action on-track at the Buckinghamshire Grand Prix last weekend may appear to have gone almost unnoticed by these hallowed pages, but one particular development has grabbed the attention of dotdotdotcomma's contemporary geography specialists, and that is Lewis Homegrown¹'s increasing levels of denial of his roots in Stevenage, Hertfordshire's glamorous post-war new town.

The 2008 world champion has increasingly distanced himself from the Borough whose motto translates from the original English, somewhat ironically, as "The heart of a town lies in its people", firstly by living in Tewin, a rich person's enclave in leafy East Herts, and then by moving to Switzerland, where he is technically illegal, in order to avoid paying taxes on his phenomenal income. No wonder the British government does so little to support motorsport.

At the weekend he took his denial a step further by suddenly claiming that he is from a small island somewhere in the vicinity of the Carribean, and not from Stevenage after all.

Having denied Stevenage thrice, just like Simon who is called Peter denied our Lord Jesus Christ, while no cock crowed, Lewis has modified his helmet, incorporating the flag of the alleged island.

"Quite frankly, as a Stevenage boy myself, I'm appalled by Lewis's continued renunciation of his new town heritage," said the BBC's Binny Croft², speaking from his home in Biggleswade. "Something should be done."

dotdotdotcomma will commission Professor Selwyn Garden-City, Swivel™ Chair of Contemporary Geography at the University of Hertfordshire to investigate the issue, as soon as we can find the field that he is currently working in. In which he is currently working. In.

¹Lewis Hamilton: The most successful F1 rookie, like, ever. Comes from Stevenage. Lives in Switzerland. Nuff sed.
²David Croft: ITV4 and Radio5Live commentator and former stage hand at the Gordon Craig Theatre, Stevenage

Ecclestone: No room for FOTA in F1

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 12:57:03 +0100

Batty Formula 1 supremo™ Bernie Ecclescake¹ says there is no room in grand prix racing for FOTA.

"FOTA, as any fule kno," said the diminutive billionaire, "is the Formula Three Association, see? So they really shouldn't be in F1 at all, I mean, what were they thinking? Jeez!"

FOTA 'representative' Peter Briggs reacted swiftly to the man they don't call Shorty.

"I don't know how we haven't been found out before," he said, "but it is a shame, as we hadn't quite managed to implement our devious masterplan to make F1 more exciting by encouraging closer racing, promoting overtaking, and putting bizarre pod things on the side of the engine cover.

"I think we were only spotted thanks to the sponsor logos on our truck in the F1 paddock.

"And we would have got away with it too if it wasn't for this meddling kid."

¹Bernie Ecclestone: The Yoda of F1.

F1 fans eager for HD broadcasts

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 11:30:04 +0100

Formula 1 fans are keen to see the sport broadcast in High Definition as soon as possible, according to a new survey.

This is one of the key messages that have come out from the results of the recent fan survey conducted by the Formula One Teams' Association (FOTA) in association with LG Electronics.

More than 85,000 fans answered the survey that was conducted earlier this year, the vast majority of whom said they were quite or very interested in seeing F1 broadcast in High Definition.

By a curious coincidence, LG Electronics, which employs more than 84,000 people worldwide, has an LED, Plasma or LCD, television in its Infinia HD range to provide the ultimate home entertainment experience whatever your viewing preferences.

Baltimore joins 2011 EasyCar schedule

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 13:27:03 +0100

The EasyCar¹ Series will race at Baltimore from next season on a temporary street circuit around the inner harbour of the Maryland city.

The race will be held on a 2.4-mile course in downtown Baltimore, with the first event of a five-year contract scheduled to take place on August 5-7 next year.

"This is an historic day for Baltimore and the State of Maryland," said Joy Division², CEO of the Baltimore Grand Prix.

"When we first had the Insight to put Baltimore forward as a Candidate for a race, Decades ago, we had a number of major steps to bring it Closer. Exercise One was to put our Heart And Soul into the Incubation of the project.

"We didn't work in Isolation, and These Days we are thankful to the state, city and the Colony for the Chance to do so. This Novelty race will bring Twenty-Four Hours of speed to the Wilderness of Baltimore and not just include car racing, but will feature a family-friendly Atmosphere with the Sound Of Music and Still more Unknown Pleasures.

"As You Said, The Drawback, one of our Failures, The Only Mistake really, which we mustn't Passover at this point, is that we didn't use the process as A Means To An End of attracting Formula 1 to this Interzone Ice Age of an (Atro)city (Exhibition)."

[That's enough crap Joy Division references. Ed.]

¹IndyCar: The world's fastest cure for insomnia™.
²Jay Davidson: CEO of the Baltimore Grand Prix

You put your safety car in, your safety car out, in, out, in, out, you drive it all about...,

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Wed, 19 May 2010 14:08:29 +0100

You've got to hand it to the FIEh?¹. Some of the finest motorsports and legal minds in the world with the lives and careers of sportsmen in their hands and still with huge wads of cash left over from the £100M they extorted from McLap'em² the other year, and they still can't organise a drinks reception in a vineyard.

In case you hadn't heard, the latest debacle centres around Michael Comebacker³'s last-gasp overtaking move on Fernando Alonsulk⁴ at Monaco. In ordinary circumstances this would probably be a simple matter, but in this case there was the added complication for the FIEh? of the outcome of any stewards' enquiry necessarily requiring a decision to come down against either Comebacker or Ferrarsi⁵.

The problem comes down to a change in the regulations concerning the safety car for 2010, which allows racing, and hence overtaking, to recommence from the "safety car line" (close to the pit entry) once the safety car has pulled in to the pits. Previously, the race only restarted once the lead car had crossed the start/finish line.

The regulations include a clause (Article 40.13) which your correspondent believes was intended to stipulate that this change does not apply on the last lap of the race. The rule says: "If the race ends whilst the safety car is deployed it will enter the pit lane at the end of the last lap and the cars will take the chequered flag as normal without overtaking."

The clause contains something of an existential paradox: if the safety car has entered the pit lane at the end of the last lap, how can the race end while the safety car is deployed? Perhaps, like Schroedinger's now-legendary cat, it exists in a state of simultaneous existence and non-existence, until such time as the cars cross the finish line, and its probability waveform then naturally collapses in such a way as to favour any cars that may, or may not, be red.

Far be it from us to claim any comprehension of the workings of what passes for Michael Comebacker's mind, but you can sort of understand him being a little confused about whether the safety car was still deployed or not, especially given that, after the safety car pulled in for the fourth and final time at Monaco on Sunday, the marshals put away their "SC" signs and waved green flags.

Still, it's good to know that Fernando Alonsulk, the main beneficiary on this occasion of the FIEh?'s usual red car blindness, has no doubts about the ruling. "For sure, the pit wall had told me that, as the race was still under the safety car on the last lap, overtaking was not allowed and so I was calm." Calm? Blimey, if Fernando drives that much sideways when he's calm, your correspondent dreads to think what it looks like when he's under pressure.

Altogether now: Safety car, safety car, safety car safety car, la laa. Safety car, safety car, safety car safety car, la laa. Safety car, safety car. It's another safety car. It's going to do more laps than you are... (etc.)

¹FIA: A bunch of lads who make up the rules for a weekend of motor-racing while down the pub on the Friday night.
²McLaren: They're the team in grey - they're just the team at C&A...,
³Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and never looked back. Noted for refusing to race with a comparably talented team-mate.
⁴Fernando Alonso: Youngest ever F1 double world champion, and rival for Nigel Mansell's Thickest Eyebrows In Motor-Racing title
⁵Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Tonkatoyota: Formula 1 too elitist

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Wed, 19 May 2010 12:00:52 +0100

Former Tonkatoyota¹ team principal Tadashi YahMoBThere² reckons the Japanese manufacturer will not return to Formula 1 in the current era because the sport has become too "elitist".

"We will not return to Formula 1 in the current era," he said, "because the sport has become too 'elitist'.

"There is a big gap between Formula 1 and Tonkatoyota's actual car users," he added, "but no matter how much money we threw at the project, we just couldn't break into that 'elite'.

"I think the problem, such as it was, was that at a very basic level we make cheap family saloons and hatchbacks whose accelerator pedals are prone to 'floor mat entanglement', so F1 was a bit of a stretch for us, quite frankly, even without all that mucking about with Ralf Schubrother³. I mean, what were we thinking?

"So let's leave all this 'elitist' stuff to people who know what they're doing with an 'elite'. Like Lotus."

¹Toyota: Japanese newcomers to F1. Patently not the car in front. Also F3 engine supplier.
²Tadashi Yamashina: Toyota team principal
³Ralf Schumacher: Some Herman's little brother

Hill to serve as steward in Monaco

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Thu, 13 May 2010 13:50:24 +0100

Former world champion Dollis Hill¹ is to serve as a steward at the Monaco Grand Prix this weekend, which dotdotdotcomma agree represents a promotion over running a Midlands-based car hire company.

Hill's main responsibility will be to direct drivers to appropriate parking spaces within the tiny Mediterranean principality, and I think you can probably guess where we're going with that one.

¹Damon Hill: Old hippy geezer who once won a world championship for Williams before they sacked him. Now runs a dodgy car-hire company in the Midlands.