dotdotdotcomma.com F1 news

Felipe Massa spotted taking advice from Ralf Schumacher and Jacques Villeneuve

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:54:09 +0100

An eagle-eyed reader spotted this illicit meeting of Felipe Massa with Jacques Villeneuve (left) and Ralf Schumacher (far right) at a secret location in Buckinghamshire

Sober confirms Chelsea FC deal

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 13:25:36 +0100

The Sober¹ team has confirmed that it has entered into a new partnership with English Premier League club Chelsea FC.

The Hinwil squad had sported liveries with the cryptic messages "Out Of The Blue" and "True Blue" on the cars' engine covers at the Chinese and Bahrain Grands Prix, triggering speculation about a possible deal with the club, although here at dotdotdotcomma we had our money on a tie-up with the Smurfs.

Chelsea's deal was confirmed by the team on Monday morning and the football club's logo will appear on the car for the first time at the Spanish Grand Prix.

"At the end of the day," said Sober CEO Monisha Kaltenborn, "this is a great advert for the sport. The marketing lads from Chelsea have given 110% and we're all over the moon, Brian."

Ms Kaltenborn was also full of praise for Chelsea Chief Executive Ron Gourlaym, who had been instrumental to the success of the deal.

"For a big lad," she said, "he's good with his feet."

Manchester City football club, who were also thought to be in the running for a deal with Sober, refused to comment on the announcement, explaining that their spokesman was unavailable because he'd had to go to the vet with his parrot, who was feeling a bit under the weather.

¹Sauber: Thoroughly interesting Swiss-based F1 team, failing to remain neutral as the Ferrari junior squad.

Ferrarsi: pitstops now as fast as possible

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 13:43:10 +0100

Ferrarsi¹ believes that Formula One teams are at the limit of pitstop times, having set a new benchmark for tyre changes this season.

"In practice we have managed to get down to 2.2 seconds," said Diego Ioverno, head of trackside operations. "In the last race we managed to do our best pitstops in 2.6 seconds. It's difficult to think we can manage 2.2 seconds in the race, with a car arriving at 100 km/h and with the variable of where the driver stops the car."

Ioverno added that the whole team had been motivated to find ways of improving their pitstop times this year, not only to become the fastest team in the pit-lane but also to stop Felipe Massiveshunt² using that particular reason as an excuse for his piss-poor race performances.

¹Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
²Felipe Massa: High octane Brazilian whose inability to get round corners without spinning is only matched by, er, his inability to go down the straights without spinning.

Ecclescake unsure of Grand Prix of America

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 10:12:06 +0100

Formula 1 supremo™ Bernie Ecclescake¹ has cast doubt on whether the new Grand Prix of America in New Jersey will take place in 2013 as planned.

The event on public roads alongside the Kate Hudson River overlooking New York City had been expected to join the calendar in June next year.

But we overheard Ecclescake telling BBC Sport there was some doubt about whether the race will take place, given growing concerns about the human rights record of the former British Colony.

We'll bring you more on this developing story as soon as we've made more of it up.

¹Bernie Ecclestone: The Yoda of F1.

Brain sad that wing debate continues

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 13:25:45 +0100

Ross Brain¹ says he is disappointed that the row over the Moreisless GP² rear wing has been raised again at the third race of the season, with Lowcost³ now having lodged a protest against it.

Speaking before a scheduled meeting with race stewards in China to discuss the legality of the DRS-activated F-duct on the W03, Brain said he had hoped that the matter would have been cleared up by now.

"It's a bit of a drag," said Brain.

"Actually," responded a spokesman from the Lowcost³ team, "it's a bit less of a drag than it should be. That's kind of our whole point."

¹Ross Brawn: Legendary "Master Tic-Tacian"
²Mercedes GP: The team that Mercedes really wanted to run all along turned out to be Brawn, despite looking for a long time as if it were McLaren.
³Lotus F1: A rebranded version of the Renault F1 team (formerly Benetton (formerly Toleman)), as it adopts the most used - and mis-used - name in the sport.

Wolff signed as new Millions development driver

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 13:25:27 +0100

DTM racer Susie Wolff has joined the Millions¹ team as a development driver, the British outfit announced yesterday.

Wolff, who is to contest her seventh season in the DTM this year, will spend time in the Millions simulator, before taking to the track in a test later in the year.

For anyone who thinks they recognise Susie from the photo - and we include ourselves here - she is the driver formerly known as Susie Dizzytart², who has spent several years on the dotdotdotcomma Road To F1™ radar, during which time she has distinguished herself by competing in some of our favourite single-seater series, wearing slightly too-tight overalls and falling over while she's out shopping.

Susie changed her name when she married Toto Wolff, who only happens to be a Millions shareholder and a director there too, which means either that it's a small world or that some pay drivers can offer to pay in kind, rather than in cash.

"Susie is a talented, successful and highly professional racing driver who competes in one of the world's most fiercely-contested racing series," said team boss Frank Millions³, reading from a press release handed to him by one of his shareholders.

The news has also been welcomed by Formula One supremo Bernie Ecclescake⁴.

"If Susie is as quick in a car as she looks good out of a car", said Ecclescake, "then she will be a massive asset to any team and on top of that she is very intelligent. I am really looking forward to having her in Formula One."

Jesus. Does no one check what he's going to say before he comes out and says it?

¹Williams: Phenomenally successful F1 stalwarts currently based in Grove. Run by a couple of grumpy old men, with a penchant for sacking great drivers for no apparent reason, the team nonetheless inspire hordes of British fans despite their German ubermeisters.
²Susie Stoddart: Top bird. Ahem, sorry. Britain's finest woman driver.
³Frank Williams: Eponymous team boss and fourteen-times Formula Dallara Wheelchair world champion (should I have said that?)
⁴Bernie Ecclestone: The Yoda of F1.

Baldyfellow: Massiveshunt needs to relax

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 13:17:26 +0100

Felipe Massiveshunt¹ will get himself back to his best in Formula One if he learns to relax and rediscovers the joy of being a racing driver, according to his "friend" and compatriot Rubens Baldyfellow².

"All of the times when I lost myself a little bit," explained Baldyfellow, "I reminded myself that I am doing this because I like it, so [as drivers], we have to relax and then we can improve. He [Massiveshunt] has to close his eyes, enjoy himself and remember that he is doing this because he likes it."

Wise words from Rubens there. Is there anything more likely to help when you're stressed than someone telling you that you just need to relax?

¹Felipe Massa: High octane Brazilian whose inability to get round corners without spinning is only matched by, er, his inability to go down the straights without spinning.
²Rubens Barrichello: Terribly nice Brazilian who has surely now shown Schumacher the way often enough to question the difference in their salaries

Pah!Really? reveals latest compounds

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 13:17:05 +0100

Pah!Really?¹ has announced its tyre compound choices for three more grands prix, revealing the rubber it will bring to the Bahrain, Spanish and Monaco races.

Bahrain will see the same medium/soft selection made for Australia and China, before the hard and soft compounds are used for Catalunya, in an effort to handle the track's high lateral tyre loadings, promote strategic variety and increase the size of your organ by up to five inches.

Sorry about that but this is all a bit dull even for devoted motorsport fans such as ourselves, so we can't believe that anyone is actually reading this; hence how that previous paragraph ended. Anyway, back to the story.

"Only the super soft tyre is the same compound as last year," said Pah!Really?'s motorsport director Paul Hombre² amidst a rash of punctuation. "The other compounds are softer and therefore faster, designed to encourage closer racing and a wider variety of strategies.

"And to give you the length and width you need to satisfy women."

¹Pirelli: Italian tyre manufacturer
²Paul Hembery: Pirelli's director of motorsport, who's always got time for a flirty interview with whichever saucy young miss Radio Five Live has stationed in the pit lane at the time

Silverstone increases capacity for GP

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 13:16:48 +0100

The Silverstone circuit has added two new grandstands to increase the capacity for this year's British Grand Prix.

With ticket sales up ten per cent compared with last year, an additional 3,500 seats will be provided by the two new grandstands: the Silverstone Grandstand and the Luffield Complex Grandstand.

The Silverstone Grandstand is on the National Pits straight, while the Luffield Complex Grandstand, as the name suggests, is located on the outside of Luffield and features a rather complex entry system, which involves the ticket-holder completing a mini IQ test.

The procedure has been designed to "keep out the riff-raff" and should ensure that the grandstand is free from the type of idiot who (a) brings air-horns to the planet's loudest sport, (ii) hangs enormous flags where they obscure other fans' views, and (3) believes that supporting Ferrarsi¹ is in any way socially acceptable.

¹Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Stewart helping new Cevert movie

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:00:46 +0100

Sir Jockie Stewart¹ has revealed that he is acting as a consultant on a feature film based on his relationship with Francois Cevert, his Tyrrell team-mate who was killed at Watkins Glen.

The film, which will chart the pair's relationship from 1971 until that fateful day in 1973, is being put together by Brokeback Mountain producer Bill Pohlad.

"The storyline is about how two drivers who are normally opposed to each other as team-mates become really close," Stewart told Autosprout. "I've told Bill everything - all the great relationships we had. There will be a lot of tears."

Pohlad said that he hoped to create a sensitive and heart-rending film telling the story of the bond that developed between two drivers, whose rivalry on the track was tempered by the close relationship they built up away from it, interspersed with occasional stolen moments of startlingly graphic man-on-man action.

This last element of the pair's relationship has so far remained unexplored, although the producer admits that this is largely because he's completely made it up.

Casting is currently underway, with Ewan McGregor considered a front-runner for the role of Stewart not only because he can do the accent but also because he'll get his tackle out on film at the drop of a silly tartan hat.

¹Jackie Stewart: Fantastically successful Scottish F1 driver (Britain's best ever, I think), and then team owner