dotdotdotcomma.com F1 news

Red Rag target push for fourth

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 12:52:01 +0100

Red Rag¹ Racing are planning a renewed push for fourth place in the constructors' championship, after losing ground to midfield rivals Tonkatoyota² and Yellow³ in recent races.

The team had a firm grasp on the hotly contested fourth spot after the Monaco Grand Prix but have been pushed down to sixth in the mid part of the season.

"We've been told what we've got to try to achieve," said Red Rag driver Mark Cobber⁴, "but I don't think Dieter Bullschitz⁵ is going to sack 200 people if we finish fifth."

No, Mark, but he might sack one of them.

¹Red Bull: Long-time F1 sponsor and all-American sickly pink fizz suppliers. With wings.
²Toyota: Japanese newcomers to F1. Patently not the car in front. Also F3 engine supplier.
³Renault: french automobile marque now with its own F1 team, fingers in many other quiches; also one engine supplier to F3
⁴Mark Webber: Top Aussie who impressed at Minardi by coming fifth in his first GP in front of an adoring home crowd at Melbourne 2001
⁵Dieter Mateschitz: Red Bull boss. Energy drink magnate. Attracted to Irn Bru.

McLap'em to rotate staff next season

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 12:06:55 +0100

Ron Serious has said that McLap'em¹ will begin rotating the staff on its travelling race team next season.

The decision has been prompted by the announcement of next year's expanded calendar and the absence in 2009 of the now traditional three-week summer break.

In an effort to maintain levels of employee motivation and satisfaction during what is expected to be a gruelling season, other teams are also considering similar measures.

Millions² have announced that they will be gently gyrating members of their race team throughout the year and Tonkatoyota³ will be drawing the names of ten employees out of a hat at each race and inviting the winners to a new "swaying chamber" in their motorhome.

Red Rag⁴ have, somewhat predictably, promised to rock everyone who visits their Energy Station, while an undertaking from Farce India⁵ to spit-roast anyone dropping into their VIP lounge has so far aroused little interest, although XXX Mosley⁶ has offered to help out at any time at all really it's no problem I can be there at a moment's notice.

A spokestwat for Ferrarsi⁷ confirmed that the scuderia currently has no plans in that direction but did say that as far as they were concerned, everyone else could swivel. As we believe our slightly strange* American cousins have it.

*Well, what else would you call a nation whose most common insulting gesture is an invitation to stick the proffered finger up your arse and spin round on it? Are we alone in thinking that (a) that's a bit odd, and (2) as insults go, it would probably benefit from a rethink?

¹McLaren: They're the team in grey - they're just the team at C&A...,
²Williams: Phenomenally successful F1 stalwarts currently based in Grove. Run by a couple of grumpy old men, with a penchant for sacking great drivers for no apparent reason, the team nonetheless inspire hordes of British fans despite their German ubermeisters.
³Toyota: Japanese newcomers to F1. Patently not the car in front. Also F3 engine supplier.
⁴Red Bull: Long-time F1 sponsor and all-American sickly pink fizz suppliers. With wings.
⁵Force India: The team that used to be Jordan..., I mean Midland..., no, wait, Spyker.
⁶Max Mosley: The son of some fascist bloke. Makes up rules for motor-racing down the pub.
⁷Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Shitparker to defend kart event title

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:06:28 +0100

Bored ex-F1 villain Michael Shitparker¹ has announced that he will defend his title at the International Challenge of Go-Kart Champs in Brazil later this year.

Shitparker said that he was looking forward to competing in the event, which takes place at the end of November and which is organised by Ferrarsi²'s Felipe Massiveshunt³.

Massiveshunt said that Shitparker had told him at Hockenheim that he wanted to race again. "I think he really likes the circuit," explained Massiveshunt. "It's fast, flowing and challenging. And one of the corners is perfect for blocking the track if things don't go well in qualifying."

¹Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and hasn't looked back since. Scared of racing with a comparably talented team-mate.
²Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
³Felipe Massa: High octane Brazilian whose inability to get round corners without spinning is only matched by, er, his inability to go down the straights without spinning.

Schumacher crash stuns car dealer

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 16:38:07 +0100

A Kent car dealer says he was stunned by Michael Shitparker¹ on Sunday.

"I'm often stunned by the quality of Michael Shitparker's driving on a Sunday," said Martin Kingham, "figuratively at least.

"But this time it was personal."

Kingham, 39, said he was closing the security gate at his premises in Lydd on Sunday afternoon when a blue Fiat van overtaking an elderly lady on the wrong side of the road in a built-up area struck the end of a security bar he was holding.

"I was sent spinning by the impact and landed on the bonnet of one of our cars," he said. "Now I know how Damon Hill, David Coulthard and Jacques Villeneuve feel.

"And I'm not at all comfortable with the latter, I must say."

Shitparker was unsurprisingly unhurt in the collision, but his van did require a new nose-cone.

Police called to the scene after Mr Kingham reported being hit and then verbally abused by the van's driver said "And who do you think you are, sonny...?" and then just stopped, before helping both men to swap insurance details.

Naturally, no action is to be taken against Shitparker. However, Kingham is looking at an exemplary fine as, in the opinion of a passing FIEh?² official, on his way to a non-Nazi German prisoner-themed sex-romp, the resulting dent in the bonnet of the vehicle on which Mr Kingham landed looked a lot like an aerodynamic tweak the intellectual property rights for which are registered to a certain company in Maranello.

Although Mr Kingham was stunned, he otherwise escaped serious injury, having been protected from Michael Shitparker's dangerously sharp chin thanks to the robust bodywork of the Fiat Ducato van he was driving.

Mr Kingham plans to market the dented vehicle as a "Michael Shitparker limited edition", understanding full well that fans of the 1997 World Championsip debarree will pay good money for any old tat.

¹Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and hasn't looked back since. Scared of racing with a comparably talented team-mate.
²FIA: A bunch of lads who make up the rules for a weekend of motor-racing while down the pub on the Friday night.

Mosley plays down KERS safety fears

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 13:35:30 +0100

Five-at-a-time FIEh?¹ president XXX Mosley² says that he doesn't believe the new Kinetic Energy Recovery System (KERS) devices are dangerous, despite recent evidence to the contrary.

Mosley, who's making a bit of a habit of denying that very obvious problems are actually problems at all, has dismissed the setbacks encountered by teams developing the new systems as "very elementary".

In recent weeks, Red Rag³ have had to evacuate their factory when one of the new batteries triggered a fire alarm and an LBW⁴ mechanic received a nasty electric shock when he touched the car at a test session but Mosley has rejected concerns that KERS is more dangerous than people initially believed.

"I don't know what went wrong," he said, talking about the LBW case, "so I can't comment but with road cars I think a Toyota Lexus has a 600-volt system and you don't get a shock from it. Unless someone attaches your nipples directly to the battery, of course. And that takes time and money."

Mosley went on to give further justification for his belief that everything's perfectly safe and that there's nothing to worry about but we couldn't hear what he was saying because he had his head in a bucket of sand.

¹FIA: A bunch of lads who make up the rules for a weekend of motor-racing while down the pub on the Friday night.
²Max Mosley: The son of some fascist bloke. Makes up rules for motor-racing down the pub.
³Red Bull: Long-time F1 sponsor and all-American sickly pink fizz suppliers. With wings.
⁴BMW: German car manufacturer, whose products never seem to be fitted with working indicators. Technical partner to the Williams F1 team.

FIEh? gives Homegrown's engine the all-clear

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 13:05:55 +0100

There was confusion, anger and frustration at the news that Lewis Homegrown¹'s engine has been given the all-clear by the FIEh?², following a routine examination.

The FIEh? recently began a series of random engine tests by examining the Mercedes-Benz unit with which Homegrown won the German Grand Prix, to check that it complied with the engine freeze rules.

To the shock of many, the sport's governing body declared that the engine fully conformed with the regulations, passing up a seemingly golden opportunity to (a) fine McLap'em³, (2) disallow Homegrown's win, (iii) dock the team and/or driver a bundle of points, or (D) all three.

"It's unbelievable," said a senior official who wished to remain anonymous, from the luxury of his team's red hospitality unit. "I can only think that the FIEh? has taken their eye off the ball with the XXX Mosley⁴ case. They've missed an absolute sitter here."

Some of the more optimistic members of the McLap'em team have reportedly now started believing that it might just be possible for them to get to the end of the season without either losing all their points or having to forfeit half their annual budget.

¹Lewis Hamilton: The most successful F1 rookie, like, ever. Comes from Stevenage. Lives in Switzerland. Nuff sed.
²FIA: A bunch of lads who make up the rules for a weekend of motor-racing while down the pub on the Friday night.
³McLaren: They're the team in grey - they're just the team at C&A...,
⁴Max Mosley: The son of some fascist bloke. Makes up rules for motor-racing down the pub.

Coldtyres to use same engine in three GPs

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 13:41:48 +0100

Rental¹ have taken the unusual decision to let David Coldtyres² use the engine in his Red Rag³ for the third consecutive weekend at the Hungarian Grand Prix.

Race director Childish Writing⁴ is currently checking the sporting regulations to check that DC will not be eligible for a 10-place grid bonus as a result of the move.

The french engine suppliers and occasional F1 team claim that they have agreed with the Milton Keynes-based squad to extend the use of Coldtyres's engine for a further event in a bid to help their tactical challenge over the remainder of the season. They assert that this will ensure he will use a different engine in Spa (backfiring) and Monza (throttle-blipping v.2) - two of the toughest tracks on power units.

Sources close to the Scot, however, suggest that the main reason behind the move is to save a few pennies in the hobble-up to his impending retirement.

¹Renault: french automobile marque now with its own F1 team, fingers in many other quiches; also one engine supplier to F3
²David Coulthard: From Twynholme in Scotland, McLaren's other driver used to be a dour Scot, until one day, he almost died. Now he's much cheerier.
³Red Bull: Long-time F1 sponsor and all-American sickly pink fizz suppliers. With wings.
⁴Charlie Whiting: FIA race director - the man with his finger on Button. Sorry, the button.

Mosley wins privacy case

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 13:10:42 +0100

FIEh?¹ president XXX Mosley² has been awarded £60,000 in damages and around £1 million in costs in the invasion of privacy case he brought against The News of the World, which had claimed that there were Nazi themes to an orgy he had with prostitutes.

The presiding judge, Mr. Justice Eady, said that the defence had failed to prove that there was a Nazi element to the orgy. "I see no genuine basis at all for the suggestion," he said in his judgement. "There was bondage, beating and domination, which seem to be typical of S&M behaviour. Er - so I'm led to believe, anyway."

Mosley's reaction to the verdict was predictably triumphant. "I am delighted with that judgment," he said. "It shows they had no right to go into private premises and take pictures and films of adults engaged in activities which are no one's business but those of the people concerned. And my wife's, of course.

"I would like to thank all those who have supported me during this difficult period but now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to celebrate with five close friends in a room that has been thoroughly swept for recording devices."

Unda look to suspension to move forward

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 09:41:08 +0100

Unda¹ have revealed that they will be trying an updated rear suspension at this week's test in Jerez, in the hope that it will move their car forward.

dotdotdotcomma's technical department believes that the announcement explains Unda's disappointing performance this year and notes that, generally speaking, the suspension on a Formula One car should only travel up and down, not backwards and forwards.

¹Honda: Japanese theme park and motor-racing circuit owners that make cars and bikes with famously reliable engines on the side

Ferrarsi and McLap'em settle differences in so-called spy row

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:14:18 +0100

Ferrarsi¹ and McLap'em² have agreed to bring closure to the wrongly-named spy controversy that marred last year's fight for the Formula One world championship after settling any remaining differences they had over the matter.

It is of course well known that careless talk costs lives, but the full scale of the problem is not always appreciated.

For instance, at the very moment that Thirty-Nigel Stepsney³ once said "I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my loyalty to the Ferrarsi team," a freak wormhole opened up in the fabric of the space-time continuum and carried his words far far across almost infinite reaches of space to a distant building on the Place de la Concorde where strange and warlike beings and the McLap'em team were poised on the brink of frightful battle.

The two opposing leaders were meeting for the last time.

A dreadful silence fell across the conference table as the commander of the McLap'ems, resplendent in his grey jewelled battle shorts, gazed levelly at the Ferrarsi leader squatting opposite him in a cloud of red foul-smelling steam, and, with a couple of sleek and horribly bewingleted racing cars poised to deliver humiliating wet-weather defeat at his single word of command, challenged the vile creature to take back what it had said about his favourite driver's mother.

The creature stirred in his sickly broiling vapour, and at that very moment the words "I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my loyalty to the Ferrarsi team" drifted across the conference table, along with a pocketful of mysterious white powder and a 780-page dossier.

Unfortunately, in the Ferrarsi tongue this was the most dreadful insult imaginable, and there was nothing for it but to wage terrible war for millions of dollars.

Eventually of course, after McLap'em's bank accounts had been decimated and the whole sport was really brought into disrepute, it was realised that the whole thing had been a ghastly mistake, and so the two opposing teams settled their few remaining differences (by McLap'em apologising again and paying more money to Ferrarsi, who smugly thanked them, reiterated how crap McLap'em had been, and promised to pay the money to a number of so-called "good causes") in order to launch a joint attack on Thirty-Nigel Stepsney — now positively identified as the source of the offending remark, and, in fact, everything else offensive about motorsport recently.

For thousands more of McLap'em's dollars the mighty cars tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming towards Surrey — where due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the entire alliance was accidentally swallowed by Trudy Coughlan.

Those who study the complex interplay of cause and effect in the history of the Universe say that this sort of thing is going on all the time, but that we are powerless to prevent it.

"This sort of thing is going on all the time," they say, "but we are powerless to prevent it.

"You appear to have fallen into some kind of temporal loop," they added. "Are you all right?"

¹Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
²McLaren: They're the team in grey - they're just the team at C&A...,
³Nigel Stepney: Disgraced former Ferrari chief mechanic