dotdotdotcomma.com RoadToF1 news

Shitparker to defend kart event title

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:06:28 +0100

Bored ex-F1 villain Michael Shitparker¹ has announced that he will defend his title at the International Challenge of Go-Kart Champs in Brazil later this year.

Shitparker said that he was looking forward to competing in the event, which takes place at the end of November and which is organised by Ferrarsi²'s Felipe Massiveshunt³.

Massiveshunt said that Shitparker had told him at Hockenheim that he wanted to race again. "I think he really likes the circuit," explained Massiveshunt. "It's fast, flowing and challenging. And one of the corners is perfect for blocking the track if things don't go well in qualifying."

¹Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and hasn't looked back since. Scared of racing with a comparably talented team-mate.
²Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
³Felipe Massa: High octane Brazilian whose inability to get round corners without spinning is only matched by, er, his inability to go down the straights without spinning.

Rule changes for 2008/09 season

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:05:13 +0100

A1GP organisers have made several changes to the series' regulations for this season, in the apparent belief that we all understood the old rules.

For reasons that defy logic, the sprint race will now run for 24 minutes plus one lap and there'll also be an extra pit stop between laps four and eight for races held in the northern hemisphere and between laps six and ten otherwise.

The points systems has also been revised, although frankly there isn't enough space on the internet to explain them, and there is now no age limit for drivers in the Friday practice sessions.

The organisers say that, other than shortening each session's duration, there are currently no plans to change the qualifying format. The dotdotdotcomma editors have welcomed this news because they're only halfway through volume seven of the existing qualifying regulations.

Brain happy to head FOTA's tech side

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:15:04 +0100

Unda¹ F1 Racing boss Russ Brain² is ready to take on responsibility for coordinating the technical aspects of new regulations currently being put together by FOTA, according to today's iSprout.

"This comes as news to me," said FOTA Co-Ordinator, Jerry M'Lord³, when dotdotdotcomma asked him about it. "I wasn't even aware that we had a 'tech side'."

Further research by dotdotdotcomma's Wilfing Team revealed the fact that, in order to come up with some regulations for F1 in 2011 that might actually work, Formula One team bigwigs have set up a new association that they have chosen to refer to as the Formula One Teams' Association (FOTA), in apparently blissful ignorance of the already existing FOrmula Three Association (FOTA), ably co-ordinated by Mr M'Lord.

This is the kind of lazy thinking on behalf of F1 fat-cats that leads them to believe (a) that Silverstone is in Northamptonshire, (2) that it's OK to send your wife down to Prontaprint to copy a 780-page top secret document, and (iii) that the son of a friend of Hitler isn't aware of the Nazi connotations of sex play involving a German prison camp scenario.

"Oh well," said M'Lord, when we told him.

¹Honda: Japanese theme park and motor-racing circuit owners that make cars and bikes with famously reliable engines on the side
²Ross Brawn: Legendary "Master Tic-Tacian"
³Jeremy Lord: British F3 championship co-ordinator

Taking it up the Assen

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:51:55 +0100

The A1GP Powered by Ferrarsi¹ car made its debut in the Netherlands this weekend when it was taken up to the Assen circuit at the Rizla Racing Day.

The new car was piloted solo around the circuit by Renger van der Zande on a day of otherwise titular and proverbially close racing.

With the A1GP demonstration, spectators and members of the press were given the opportunity to hear the distinctive notes of the Ferrarsi engine that will be propelling all the A1GP cars, and, presumably, not expiring three laps from the end, oh, how we laughed, Felipe.

The A1GP Powered by Ferrarsi car next heads to Rotterdam in two weeks time, when dotdotdotcomma will be struggling to think up another rubbish innuendo.

¹Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Chuff rues 'sole destroying' puncture

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 13:51:46 +0100

Gnat's Chuff¹ has described a puncture he suffered at the World Touring Car event at Brands Hatch on Sunday as "sole destroying".

"I was walking through the paddock," explained Chuff, "and I must have stepped on something sharp because one of my Nike Airs ended up with a sodding great puncture. The sole was destroyed."

A source close to the driver said that Chuff was "extremely upset" about the incident, which came shortly after one of his Chevrolet's tyres had popped while he was leading the first race.

¹Rob Huff: Tin-top driver

Hankey set for BTCC debut

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 12:50:24 +0100

Euan Hankey could make his British Touring Car Championship debut at Knockhill after testing for Robertshaw Racing at Donington Park on Thursday.

The 21-year-old Formula 3 Euro Series convert completed an entire day of running in the Chevrolet Lacetti and made a good impression on the squad.

"For a young lad who has never driven a touring car before, he was very impressive," team manager Joe Bradley told dotdotdotcomma. "Hankey is not to be sneezed at."

Team Portugal confirm Albuquerque

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 08:10:05 +0100

The FIEh?¹ has chosen A1GP's Team Portugal to lead an initiative to counter media accusations that motorsport professionals have a very sketchy grasp of contemporary geography, as a result of that country's historical expertise at expedition, discovery, fortified wine-making and not much else.

Early results are promising, with Team Portugal already having confirmed that Albuquerque is in New Mexico in those United States.

"It was a tough assignment," said Portugal's team principal Luis Vicente. "A couple of hundred miles away is a place where four states meet in one place, and away to the south is a whole different country that has a similar name. It's all quite confusing.

Vicente confirmed that the team will continue their technical partnership with Team Great Britain, despite suspecting that the existence of the entire nation might be a conspiracy of cartographers.

"We think they may have some kind of encyclopaedia," he said. "That'll help."

¹FIA: A bunch of lads who make up the rules for a weekend of motor-racing while down the pub on the Friday night.

Visor struck down with the mumps

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 13:25:17 +0100

EasyCars¹ driver EJ Visor² has been diagnosed with the mumps and has withdrawn from this weekend's Firestone Indy 200 at Nashville Superspeedway.

Visor, who seems to have gone all initial on us since his British F3 days when he was plain Ernesto, has been advised to remain in quarantine and the Indy Racing League is asking anyone who was in close contact with Visor last weekend at Watkins Glen to submit to a blood test.

It is understood that 28 nubile members of the Wriggly Young Miss contingent of Visor's Venezuelan fan club have already come forward, with another seven expected to submit themselves as soon as they have recovered from the rigours of their encounters with the driver.

¹IRL: The US's full-size Scalextric™ Indy Racing League
²Ernesto Viso: Hot young latino former British F3 racing driver from Venezuela

Motorsport commentator in geographical knowledge shock horror

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 12:43:34 +0100

ITV4 GP2 commentator David "Binny" Croft has proved that he knows his geography by stating correctly during ITV4's GP2 commentary that the historic Silverstone Circuit is a former airfield in Northamptonshire and Buckinghamshire.

"...this former airfield in Northamptonshire and Buckinghamshire," he said.

The move has underlined, italicised and bolded Binny's credentials for taking over English-language F1 television commentary from that pathetic, fawning, dribbling little twat Jar-Jar Allen¹ when coverage mercifully moves away from ITV to its rightful place at the BBC in 2009.

The long-awaited recognition by the media that Silverstone Circuit is partly in Buckinghamshire comes at long last at the 42nd and penultimate visit to the circuit by the F1 circus.

Now, does anybody know where Donington is?

¹James Allen: Pathetic, fawning, dribbling little twat. Succeeded, but did not replace, Murray Walker on ITV's F1 coverage. Likes Michael Schumacher. A lot. Wants his babies.

Wembley confirmed as RoC host again

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 13:47:18 +0100

Organisers of The Race of Champions have confirmed that it will take place at Wembley Stadium again this year, following the venue's successful staging of the event in 2007.

Wembley replaced Paris last year to play host to the end-of-year event, which sees some of the world's best-loved drivers - as well as ex-F1 rule-bender Michael Shitparker¹ - compete against each other in identical machinery.

"The great thing about The Race of Champions is that whether you win or lose it's a lot of fun," said Shitparker, who lost in 2007.

The news has been welcomed by British motorsport fans, including dotdotdotcomma's editors, who seem to have been getting more coverage in these pages recently than most teams, drivers and disgraced FIEh?² presidents.

"We're already looking forward to it," Mathias Olaf Uncertain told reporters from his customary chair in The Healthy Slug, "and we're hoping that it will live up to last year's spectacle, although it will have to go some to match Ecky Thumpalainen³'s spectacular spin down the length of the start-finish straight, Sebastien Beaujolais⁴'s petulant tantrum when he crashed out and seeing how Michael Shitparker is actually quite ordinary when he's in the same car as everyone else.

"Mind you," he added, "I could live without the buttock-threatening frost-bite from those freezing seats."

¹Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and hasn't looked back since. Scared of racing with a comparably talented team-mate.
²FIA: A bunch of lads who make up the rules for a weekend of motor-racing while down the pub on the Friday night.
³Heikki Kovalainen: The Next Flying Finn�x2122;
⁴Sebastien Bourdais: Former F3000 and subsequently ChampCar Champion