dotdotdotcomma.com RoadToF1 news

Essex boy-racers older than first thought

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 14:24:21 +0000

Citizens of Colchester are trying to raise £200,000 to buy a former Ministry of Defence site so the UK's only known Roman racetrack can be saved.

Chariot racing was the most popular sport of Roman times and the track is thought to have been in use for several centuries, until the leading team of the time, Ferrarsum, finally carried out its tedious threat to quit racing, and the sport's popularity actually did collapse, contrary to the expectations of most leading commentators at the time.

The Colchester circus is an elongated oval featuring two tight 180-degree turns, known imaginatively as Turnus Primus and Turnus Secondus, indicating that charioteers only ever had to turn left, and that racing was, in fact, somewhat on the dull side. In a bid to spice up the spectacle, instead of pointless TV-friendly set-pieces beloved of oval racers of the modern age, organisers allowed chariots to be fitted with an entertaining array of weaponry almost, but not quite, as sophisticated as F1's now-outlawed suspension spring launcher.

Once they have obtained the funds necessary to secure the site, the Colchester Archaeological Restoration Trust (CART) intend to raise sufficient extra funds to hire ubiquitous circuit-botherer German Talker¹ to bring it up to modern standards, an idea that is guaranteed to fuck the circuit over far more effectively than building a few houses on it ever would.

¹Hermann Tilke: The FIA's favourite circuit designer, who seems to rehash the same, tired, dull layouts every time he's given the chance to do something new and exciting.

IRL appoints Randy Bernard as CEO

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 17:37:23 +0000

dotdotdotcomma staff reporters snorted into their tea this morning at the news that the IndyCar Series has appointed Randy Bernard as its new chief executive officer.

Much speculation ensued as to which Bernard this news referred to and what aspects of his, um, romantic encounters earned him that particular soubriquet, with current favourites including Sumner, Matthews and Winters, with the less said about turkeys and Schnorbitz the better.

Further research revealed that what had previously been interpreted as a mere epithet was, in fact, an actual name (tsk - those yanks, eh?) and Randy Bernard was, in fact, previously head of the Professional Bull Riders' organisation, a fact which those there assembled found even more amusing for some reason. Still, could be worse - the head honcho of Formula One is the supreme grand vizier of the Professional Bullshitters' Organisation.

The change of leadership comes at a crucial time for the IndyCar Series, which is still struggling to build momentum after the deeply damaging 12-year war between IRL and ChampCar. Leading motorsport commentators note that ChampCar appears to have come off the worse in that little fracas.

Team Vodafone unveils Holden

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:20:20 +0000

V8 Supercar squad Team Vodafone has unveiled its first Holden Commodore race car following its switch from Ford at the end of last season.

To the surprise of absolutely no-one there assembled, what was revealed from under the drapes was a rather boxy executive saloon with boy racer styling and the word "Vodafone" emblazoned across every excitingly chunky surface.

For once in his career we think our rogue pictures editor has proved himself worth his salary.

ITV to increase BTCC coverage

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 13:51:52 +0000

In a move that shows just how pissed off the channel was about losing F1 coverage to its rightful place on the BBC, ITV will increase its coverage of the British Touring Car Championship to over 120 long hours this year.

Live coverage of the championship - plus support races - will again be screened on ITV4 with broadcasts being increased by 30 minutes to six-and-a-half hours that will make Big Brother look enticing.

ITV4 will then show 90-minute highlight shows, which is probably a little optimistic, every Tuesday and Saturday after each round, while sister station ITV1 will screen the same show on Thursdays.

British Formula 3, which is infinitely more exciting, will retain its spot at dawn on random mornings several weeks after the race has actually taken place with no advance notice of broadcast times in TV listings magazines, Autosprout or even the British F3 website.

"ITV's increase in commitment to the BTCC for 2010 means yet more terrific news for all our teams, drivers, sponsors, circuits and fans," said series director Highland Cow¹.

"It's also terrific news for everyone else, as it will keep a load of be-anoraked saddoes locked up in front of their televisions every weekend instead hanging around in supermarket car parks comparing mods and unnecessarily revving their clapped-out Vauxhall Astras."

¹Alan Gow: BTCC series boss - the uber-anorak.

Toad vows to turn WRC around

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 13:33:05 +0000

At the World Rally Championship season launch in Paris today, diminutive FIEh?¹ president Jean Toad² has spoken of his dissatisfaction with the current state of the WRC, which is always a good strategy for relaunching an ailing product. Nice one, Jean.

Talking publicly about it for the first time, Toad said he was committed to turning the WRC around.

"I am, how you say, committed to turning ze WRC around," said the frenchman, "from tomorrow, in keeping with ze fact zat I am french and zis is how we do sings around 'ere, it will be known as ze CRW, ze Champignonship Rallye du Worlde.

"But not tonight, Josephine," he added.

¹FIA: A bunch of lads who make up the rules for a weekend of motor-racing while down the pub on the Friday night.
²Jean Todt: The former Ferrari Napoleon

Stoner fired up over new Ducati

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 16:05:42 +0000

2007 MotoGP champion Casey Stoner has said that he was "fired up over the new Ducati" at the team's Wrooom press event in Madonna di Campiglio.

We don't usually cover bike racing on these pages, of course, but that seems like a pretty harsh punishment for his unsuccessful 2008 title campaign.

Has anyone called Amnesty International?

Jet-On title breaks award duck

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:56:47 +0000

For reasons that are probably best left unexplored, we have suddenly become aware of the fact that Bunsen Jet-On¹'s fantastic Formula 1 world championship title means that at long last, some credibility has been given to the previously incredible McLaren Autosport BRDC Young Driver of the Year Award.

The most successful award winners up until this year have been Italian-sounding Scot Dario Franchitti (2 EasyCar titles), Scottish-sounding Scot David Coulthard (more F1 runners-up titles than you can comfortably shake a sporran at) and, er, no-one else.

Jet-On won the now-prestigious award in 1998, meaning that 2009 award-winner Dean Smith can reasonably expect to take his first F1 championship title in 2020, by which time, despite the fact that they'll no doubt be racing anti-grav R-pods around the third moon of Jaglan Beta, there still won't be any overtaking.

¹Jenson Button: F1 driver. English bloke. Alleged future world champion. Likes the ladies.

Name change for Piquet GP

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 12:48:38 +0000

GP2 squad Piquet GP has changed its name to Rapax Team ahead of the new season, in an attempt to distance itself from Half-Nelson Piquet¹, the mendacious, duplicitous blackguard who once disgraced its cars.

Or possibly just because they've found a new title sponsor.

¹Nelsinho Piquet: Son of Nelson

Solo on course for NAFFCAR

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 13:59:16 +0000

Han Solo¹ is on course to take part in next year's NAFFCAR² Nationwide Series after completing a successful first test in a stock car last week.

The veteran of 109 grand prix starts, who has raced GTs since 2003, tested a Sprint Cup-spec Tonkatoyota Camry at New Smegma Raceway in Florida last week along with fellow ex-Tonkatoyota³ F1 man Jarno Trullimadlideepli⁴.

The news firmly establishes NAFFCAR as the natural successor to DTM as the default retirement home for F1 has-beens, now that Grand Prix Masters is well and truly pushing up the daisies.

"It's an excellent way to wind down from proper racing," said the former Flying Finn, "it's slightly lower tech, somewhat slower, and you only have to worry about turning left.

"I've still got all my own teeth," he added.

¹Mika Salo: Criminally underrated driver. Would have won his second race in a Ferrari if it weren't for those pesky team orders.
²NASCAR: Fast, dull, oval-based American saloon car Mickey Mouse racing series
³Toyota: Japanese newcomers to F1. Patently not the car in front. Also F3 engine supplier.
⁴Jarno Trulli: Waning Italian one-lap specialist, now average in a Toyota, having been good in a Renault, great in a Minardi, and fabulous in F3.

Ericsson 'better than Shitparker'

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:27:35 +0000

Sony Ericsson¹ has taken pole position for the Macau Grand Prix - despite hitting the barriers close to the end of qualifying and damaging his rear wing.

The hot young Swede, who had been quickest in first qualifying, saw a host of rivals push him down the order in the second session before he moved back to the front with 10 minutes remaining.

But it then appeared to all go Ho-Pin Tong when he got sideways under braking at Matsuya and slid into the barriers - breaking a wishbone and dislodging his rear wing.

The ensuing red flag moments later guaranteed that nobody was able to challenge Ericsson's best time, so the Swede kept hold of his pole position slot.

"I was pushing quite hard and I got the pole," said Ericsson, "but there were a lot of guys who were quick, so I pushed harder and went in the wall. It bent the wishbone, but it was not a problem, so it's looking good for tomorrow.

"Compare that to Monaco 2006!" he added triumphantly. "Michael Shitparker² eat your cold, hard heart out!"

¹Marcus Ericsson: Hot young Swede - last ever FBMWUK champion.
²Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and never looked back. Noted for refusing to race with a comparably talented team-mate.