dotdotdotcomma.com RoadToF1 news

Baldyfellow to test with KV Racing

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:28:09 +0000

Rubens Baldyfellow¹ is to test an Easycar² at Sebring next week as he explores his racing options for 2012.

The Brazilian has previously said that he would not compete in oval racing because his wife had "asked" him not to. Rubens is in luck, however, because there are only four oval circuits on Easycar's 2012 schedule, enabling him to keep relations cordial at home by opening up the possibility that he could agree a deal to race only on road or street tracks.

And the ex-F1 racer would probably still win the title.

¹Rubens Barrichello: Terribly nice Brazilian who has surely now shown Schumacher the way often enough to question the difference in their salaries
²IndyCar: The world's fastest cure for insomnia™.

Fitchick rules out 2012 Indy 500

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 13:27:53 +0000

NAFFCAR¹ driver Danica Fitchick² has ruled out contesting the 2012 Indianapolis 500 but says she remains open to returning to EasyCar³'s premier event one day.

"I'm not going to do the Indy 500," Fitchick told reporters, "but I hope to do it in the future."

The announcement means that Fitchick won't compete at Indianapolis this year by dint of not entering the race, whereas in previous seasons she hasn't competed simply by not being very competitive.

¹NASCAR: Fast, dull, oval-based American saloon car Mickey Mouse racing series
²Danica Patrick: Moderately attractive part-time Indy 500 leader. And how DO you pronounce her first name? DANica? DanEEca? I don't know.
³IndyCar: The world's fastest cure for insomnia™.

Peterhansel takes Dakar win

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 14:15:02 +0000

Stephane Peterhansel has claimed his tenth Dakar Rally win, cruising to a comfortable finish in Lima on Sunday.

Peterhansel and his co-driver, Sophie Helengretel, finished just over 40 minutes ahead of their closest rivals to take the chequered flag after nearly 15 hours of racing over the last fortnight.

The pair had become lost amongst the sand dunes early in the second week but were able to follow a trail of breadcrumbs they had left to find their way back to the right route.

Bloody hell! Easy Rider talks sense!

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 10:34:20 +0000

dotdotdotcomma finds itself in the unusual position of not only finding something he says vaguely relevant and interesting, but actually agreeing with former ITV F1 anchor man Easy Rider¹, who has stated in public at the Autosprout Show that he thinks that the BBC should start televising other forms of motorsport, now that it is obvious that, because of the unique way in which it is funded, the BBC can no longer afford to line Bernie Ecclescake²'s already overlarge pockets.

Rider, a man who used to be transported around the globe at ITV's enormous expense to demonstrate to millions of viewers worldwide his total ignorance of Formula 1, was replaced - when the BBC regained its once rightful control of F1 - by impertinent lout Unigate Humphrey³, and has since disappeared into the relative obscurity of the British Touring Car Championship, where he has at least had the opportunity to watch some great racing.*

It is no doubt this experience that has led to Rider singing the praises of British Formula 3 and, for some reason, the World Rally Championship as worthy contenders for the BBC's attention. And how right he is! Apart from the bit about WRC, obviously.

So, if anyone from the BBC is reading this, here are a few of the things dotdotdotcomma would like you to broadcast from now on, preferably with presenters from the Channel 4 motorsports pantheon:
Formula Ford
Formula Renault UK
British Formula 3 and F3 Euroseries
Whichever of GP2/GP3, FRenault 3.5 and F2 you can get
24h du Mans
Formula 3 Macau GP
Masters of Formula 3
Formula Ford Festival
Other blue riband events like the Indy 500, Bathurst 1000, Daytona 500, 24h du Snetterton
No bikes, obviously

And, why not show them live or "as live", or even half-decent highlights: I mean what the fuck is the point of four channels and a red button anyway?

* In Formula Renault UK, obviously. Everything else on the BTCC programme is tedious as hell. In my opinion.

¹Steve Rider: Laid-back TV anchor chap who was relaxed but a bit dull when he had a go at covering Formula One.
²Bernie Ecclestone: The Yoda of F1.
³Jake Humphrey: Unnecessarily rude and annoyingly young BBC F1 anchor man, just generally too much of a lucky bastard to be likable.

Timing system dispute threatens Monte Carlo Rally

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:46:37 +0000

Concerns have been cast over the World Rally Championship and next week's opening round, after it emerged that essential equipment might not be available for use on the Monte Carlo Rally.

A dispute regarding the ownership of the timing and tracking equipment, the vulgar details of which needn't detain us here, have led to the possibility that the WRC's famous "one-at-a-time" format simply won't work in Monte Carlo because no one will know with any degree of accuracy how much Cerebellum Lobe¹ won by.

The situation has led to calls from certain uninformed quarters for the real-life WRC to follow the example set by its digital equivalent and just let all the drivers race each other around the course, the way players of rally video games have been able to do for years.

"Then there'd be no need for any timing equipment," said one of the uninformed sources, emerging from a dotdotdotcomma editors' meeting, "The first car past the finishing line will be the winner. If my experiences are anything to go by, it will probably be missing some body panels and if there's an unbroken window on it, I'll be surprised, but the winner it would be.

"It might even persuade fans of proper, circuit-based motorsport to watch a stage or two. Doubtful, but it might."

¹Sebastien Loeb: french rally driver who's quite good apparently

Lollo Rosso signings spark feeder series war

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 18:19:26 +0000

The news that Lollo Rosso¹ have signed Daniel Richandstrange² and Jean Eric-and-Ernie³ for the 2012 season has prompted a battle of words between the spatially ambiguous British F3 International series and the geographically inaccurate World Series by Renault as to which is the superest highway on the now legendary Road To F1™.

British F3 cites the fact that Richandstrange and Eric-And-Ernie were its 2009 and 2010 champions respectivelike in support of its claim to be "the world's leading Grand Prix feeder series", while WSxR emphasises the historic moment of having former rivals from its ranks going on to compete in the same F1 team as "cementing World Series by Renault's reputation as the springboard for reaching motor racing's top table", a veritable smorgasbord of metaphors.

Both serieses are claiming the credit for delivering the young drivers to F1, conveniently ignoring the facts that (a) they were probably chosen by Lollo Rosso on account of the fact that both of them are members of the Red Rag⁴ Junior Team, and (2) it's only Lollo Rosso, for fuck's sake.

Interestingly, while the GP2 series insists that it is "the strongest Formula 1 feeder category", both FIA F2 and the F3 Euroseries are tight-lipped as to how effective they are on the Road To F1™. But who is right? Which feeder series really is the best when it comes to delivering Formula 1 drivers?

dotdotdotcomma's finest minds are now irrevocably committed to calculating the answer to the Ultimate Question Of The Road To Formula 1.

So watch this space.*

* But it's probably best not to hold your breath, as regular readers who have been waiting for this information for the last five years or so will already know. Breathe, Virgil! Only seven-million-four-hundred-and-ninety-nine-thousand-nine-hundred-and-ninety-five years to go...,

¹Scuderia Toro Rosso: The Red Bull Junior team. Red bullocks, in other words.
²Daniel Ricciardo: Australian-born, Italian-descended former British F3 champ who found his way into F1, surprisingly without displacing one of the Toro Rosso drivers
³Jean-Eric Vergne: french hotshot and 2010 British F3 dominator
⁴Red Bull: Long-time F1 sponsor and all-American sickly pink fizz suppliers. With wings.

Stargate, um, star enters EasyCar

mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com (Mathias Olaf Uncertain) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 13:52:49 +0000

Sci-Fi aficionados and other assorted geeks and nerds are looking forward to the 2012 EasyCar¹ season as excitedly as it is possible to be following the news that Stargate SG1 star Michael Shanks appears to have entered the series as a team owner.

Shanks, the Canadian actor famous for looking almost, but not quite, entirely unlike original Stargate actor James Spader, played archaeologist Daniel Jackson in the long-running sci-fi adventure series.

Michael Shanks Racing has been running sports prototypes in Grand Am for a number of years, but, presumably, exposure to a lethal dose of radiation while attempting to fix a naqadriah reactor has led Shanks to ascend to a higher plane of existence, in which he now seems able to run an EasyCars team.

Probably based at Cheyenne Mountain, Colorado, the team may be sponsored by the Chevron Corporation (each car sporting up to nine chevrons), and the move has fuelled rumours of makeovers for existing/former US motorsports series as Formula Stargate Atlantic and Formula Stargate Infiniti Pro.

That's enough crap Stargate references that no-one's going to get anyway.

¹IndyCar: The world's fastest cure for insomnia™.

GP2 announces expanded calendar

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 12:27:53 +0000

The 2012 GP2 calendar will feature a record 24 races, following the decision to drop the winter Asia series and add more non-European rounds to the main schedule.

The move means that GP2 drivers will now race almost exclusively on the same bill as F1 events, giving them far greater exposure to top-tier bosses and a lot more experience relevant to F1.

"Racing on 11 F1 tracks in 2012 with a car close to F1 in performance and using the same tyres, GP2 drivers will gain as much experience as possible, which will enable them to be immediately competitive in the next category," said series chief Brian Michael¹.

Drivers hoping to graduate from GP2 now have a clear career path, following the example set by Redsalmon Goujon²: move up to F1 for a few races in a car they don't know and with a multiple world champion for a team-mate, put in some disappointing performances, get booted out and back down to GP2, where they either have to win the championship or face an end to their single-seater racing careers, scrape back into F1 with a lower mid-field squad and another former world champion as a team-mate and finally get replaced mid-season for crashing once too often.

Goujon has yet to complete this last step, of course, but let's just see how the season works out for him.

¹Bruno Michel: Former Prost MD and driver manager, now in charge of GP2 and GP3. Anyone else reckon he fancies having a go at running F1?
²Romain Grosjean: GP2 champion - at the second time of asking - and sometime F1 driver

Slow secures 15-race Cup deal

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 13:43:09 +0000

Scott Slow¹ has signed a deal to compete in 15 NAFFCAR² Sprint Cup races next year with new team Leavine Family Racing.

The ex-grand prix driver raced for Whitney Motorsports this season and now aims to help guide his new team as it expands its progamme in its second season of racing.

"We are pleased to have Scott join our team," said team co-owner Bob Leavine. "He is a proven driver who was the first American to race in Formula One since Michael Andrexpuppi³ and he tells me he was every bit as successful. Michael did win three F1 titles, right?"

Crash-prone Slow has been racing in NAFFCAR since he lost his F1 drive at the end of 2010 and is very keen to get his hands on the new car. "I am really excited to get it rolling," he told reporters.

Slow will start his 2012 campaign next March at Bristol, where he'll be racing on both the longer and shorter ovals, seeing how his times stack up will be the first clue about how his season will go.

"That's the first time I'll be able to see where we stand," he explained. "If my first few laps of Georgia's bigger Bristol go well, I'll be smiling."

¹Scott Speed: Red Bull US Driver Search participant. Freeloader, in other words.
²NASCAR: Fast, dull, oval-based American saloon car Mickey Mouse racing series
³Michael Andretti: Failed nineties McLaren F1 driver. His dad can drive anything. Michael can't.

Fifteen-car entry for Euroseries

virgil@dotdotdotcomma.com (Virgil Ellipse) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:03:34 +0000

The F3 Euroseries has announced a 15-car entry list for next year's championship.

Of the 15 cars expected to be racing next season, four will be fielded by the Premium Powerteam¹ squad and another four by Mucky Motorsport², leading to suggestions that the series may be renamed the Premium Muck F3 Series.

Speculation has been further fuelled by reports that a special-interest web site of the same name has offered to provide not only title sponsorship for the series but also a bevy of grid girls for each race who genuinely are up for anything, instead of merely looking that way.

¹Prema Powerteam: F3 Euroseries contenders
²Mucke Motorsport: Mercedes-backed F3 and DTM outfit that for some reason sound like they'd be better suited to rallycross