Formula 1 supremo™ Bernie EcclescakeECCLESTONE, BERNIE
 Bernie and Slavica Ecclestone: it's hard to say who looks more uncomfortable. F1 supremo Bernard Charles Ecclestone owns various bits of Formula One and has done since the 1970s, all of which has made him a very rich man. He also co-owns QPR Football Club, which does at least demonstrate that not all his decisions are spot-on. In his time, Ecclestone has managed drivers, owned teams, sold TV rights he probably didn't have in the first place and married someone 28 years younger and 28cm taller than him. He has also developed a slightly bewildering antipathy towards Silverstone.
Ecclestone had insisted that the Sepang race should start at 5pm this year, because it would help boost television audience figures back in Europe. Exactly how many more people would tune in to watch a race starting at that time rather than say, an hour earlier, is probably a moot point. If the race had started at 4pm local time, the vast majority of potential viewers would have seen it start at either 9 or 10am. Still a very civilised time. Even a 3pm start would have been quite reasonable.
The F1 media circus, including some of its favourite whores, have got themselves all carried away in a hoo-hah as a result of the rain. Some of the circus, like iSprout, pointed to the race being marred "as expected" by the "evening rain showers common to the region", while some of the circus' favourite whores, like Fabio BrilliantoreBRIATORE, FLAVIO
 Flav the magic dragon. Rejoicing in knowing next to nothing about the sport, Flavio Briatore has nevertheless been almost as successful in running F1 teams as he has in knocking off supermodels. Initially recruited by Luciano Benetton to oversee the establishment of Benetton shops in America in the 1970s, Briatore saw F1 as just another business when he was appointed Benetton F1's commercial director in 1988 and you have to admit he's got a point. There may well be question marks over some of his business dealings and he's probably not the sort of bloke you'd trust with your sister but there's no denying that he's got the job done, ageing medallion man that he is.
If the choice of start time is all about the possibility of a little rain, then you may as well consider never starting a Grand Prix at Spa.*
All of which surprising Englishness distracted from the real issue. LBW's somewhat more sane Super Mario SunshineTHEISSEN, MARIO
 Mario Theissen: not afraid of showing his playful side. Finding even mildly amusing things to say about Mario Theissen is harder than building a Formula One car in a country that's banned motorsport but here goes. Theissen gained some kind of distinctly serious engineering qualification from Aachen University and joined BMW soon afterwards. He has since signally failed to indulge in any ill-advised job-hopping that might have given us something to poke fun at. His loyalty and no doubt a sober application to his work were rewarded in 1999 when he was made BMW's motorsport director, with responsibility for assaults on the World Touring Car Championship (highly successful), 24 Heures Du Mans (pretty successful), F1 championship with Williams (less successful than it should have been) and the F1 championship again, this time with BMW's own team (increasingly successful). Some observers (ourselves included) have pointed out a physical similarity between Theissen and Mr Potato Head, while others maintain that he is the spitten image of his namesake Super Mario, or possibly one of his brothers. In truth, he probably looks most like Ned Flanders, although you could probably level the same accusation at anyone with a moustache and glasses and a house next door to Homer Simpson. He has not made any risible errors of judgement, he has avoided embarrassing sex scandals and he obstinately refuses to sport garish jewellery, outlandish clothes or silly haircuts. He simply goes about the solemn business of running a Formula One team and actually being rather good at it. He did, however, give us all a bloody good laugh by sacking Jacques Villenueve in 2007.
"We should not have a twilight race," said the dapper Deutschman, wisely. "Either we have a race without lighting, then it should finish earlier, or we have a night race and you can go on when you want" in a highly unsustainable manner.
What none of these pundits seem to be concerned about is the fact that, as was ably demonstrated through in-car feeds throughout both Melbourne and Sepang, the low sun makes visibility almost nil, and driving incredibly dangerous.
The fact that German Talker, in his infinite wisdom, has chosen to perfectly align the pits at Sepang with the setting sun was particularly inept of a man not normally known for his eptness, but then, in his defence, when he designed the circuit, he probably didn't count on Ecclescake totally losing what was left of his marbles.
Despite driver concerns, Ecclescake has made it clear that he still thinks the start time is correct.
"I don't see anything wrong with the start time," he insisted, blinking myopically through his fringe and ill-fitting specs from the comfort of his air-conditioned and tinted-windowed VIP box.
* Ah. Oh. Er, hold on a minute.
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