Lollo RossoTORO ROSSO
 Sebastian Vettel takes a frankly astonishing first win for both himself and his team at Monza in 2008. Forged from the remnants of Minardi, Toro Rosso is Red Bull's junior F1 team. The arrangement lets Red Bull (a) try out unproven young drivers and (2) take cocky french multiple Champ Car champions down a peg or two. The team benefits from an unspecified amount of help from its senior team but is still free to plough its own furrow. In 2007, for instance, it used Ferrari engines rather than the Renault power units favoured by Red Bull, which proved, if nothing else, that the Ferrari team must have had one hell of a chassis. Toro Rosso has yet to inspire the same level of support enjoyed by Minardi, although it was on the right lines when a senior manager occasioned a physical assault upon the wholly objectionable Scott Speed. Keep it up, lads, and we'll put our not inconsiderable weight behind you.
 Sébastien Bourdais and Franz Tost enjoying a cordial debrief at Spa, 2008. Sebastien Bourdais is a stroppy french racing driver who's dabbled in a number of motorsport disciplines with varying levels of success, although he will always be remembered at dotdotdotcomma for entertaining the crowd at the 2007 Race of Champions with a sizeable hissy fit after crashing with what he claimed was a stuck throttle and then stomping off in a huff of which any teenager would have been proud. It's all just for fun, Sebastien mon ami. Bourdais won the International F3000 Championship at the third attempt, beating career GP2 racer Giorgio Pantano by a couple of points but only claiming the title following a failed drugs test by points leader Tomas Enge, who had alerted officials to the possibility that he was indulging in substance abuse by claiming that he could drive his car upside-down across a ceiling. For the 2003 season, Bourdais signed a deal to race in F1 for Arrows, who promptly went bust, so the surly frenchman jetted across to America to have a crack at Champ Car racing. He started his very first race from pole and went on to win four consecutive titles from 2004 to 2007, becoming the first person since Ted Hat in 1948 to do the horn trick, or possibly the first person since Ted Horn in 1948 to do the hat trick. His second go at getting into F1 led to a race seat with Toro Rosso for the 2008 season, during which he was consistently blown away by promising rookie Sebastian Vettel and his humour improved not one jot. He somehow managed to keep his seat into 2009, this time partnering promising rookie Sebastien Buemi, until Toro Rosso finally lost patience with (a) his bad form and (ii) his bad temper, and sacked him after the German Grand Prix, even going so far in their desperation to get rid of the speccy four-eyes as to replace him with someone not called Sebastien.
"In Sebastien's second year with us, the partnership has not met our expectations and therefore we have decided to replace him as from the Hungarian Grand Prix," said team boss French Toast.
"When I say 'expectations', for sure, I mean 'targets'; our actual expectations of Sebastien's performence were realised. Personally, I can't wait to see the back of the crap, grumpy, arrogant, speccy twat.
"Is that thing still on?"
The four-time CrapCar champion made his grand prix debut with the Faenza-based squad last season, scoring an impressive four points on his way to a spectacular 17th place in the standings, a mere 15 points shy of the comparably outstanding Half-Nelson PiquetPIQUET, NELSINHO
 Nelsinho Piquet, a man who routinely walks further than he drives during a race weekend. Nelson Angelo Piquet has six names, although we've picked his three best known ones. He is commonly known as Nelson Piquet Junior and also as Nelsinho Piquet, which he has asked people not to use any more. Nelsinho is the son of Nelson Piquet, who claimed three world championships and made no friends along the way. His father's money meant that he could race for his own team all the way up to GP2, after which things get a bit expensive even for multi-millionaires. His last championship was in 2004 when he won the British F3 title, although the perenially under-funded and criminally under-rated Ulsterman Adam Carroll heroically took the fight to the last event at Brands Hatch, about which we could go on but probably shouldn't. Little Nelson competed in GP2 and A1GP, before curiously being picked up by the Renault F1 équipe, first as a test driver and subsequently as a racer, where his disappointing form was about what many of the more astute paddock observers had been expecting. The perception of him as a sulky rich kid was given further weight when, after being sacked by Renault part way through 2009, he went running to the FIA with allegations of race-fixing, claiming that some bigger boys had forced him to crash deliberately at Singapore in 2008, in order to put team-mate Fernando Alonso on exactly the right strategy to claim the win. The revelation was indeed shocking. We'd all got so used to seeing Piquet crash that believing he'd done so on purpose was difficult to reconcile. The fall-out saw Flavio Briatore and Pat Symonds lose their jobs and, if there's any justice, brought an end to Nelsinho's career in the top flight.
This season, the frenchman has struggled to match the performance of another rookie team-mate, who has outqualified Mauvais seven times in nine races and has 50% more points.
Lollo Rosso are expected to replace the bad-tempered, foul-smelling, four-eyes with Spaniard Jamie Andhismagictorch, unless they can find someone to race for them in the meantime who is called Sebastien.
Andhismagictorch will become the youngest driver ever to compete in Formula 1 if he starts in Hungary. The decision reflects a clear conclusion that a single year in British F3 in which you win the championship is better than 5 years in CrapCars, 4 of which you win, 3 years in F3000, 2 years in french F3 and a partridge in a pear tree.
So, au revoir, then Sebastien Mauvais. No, let's make that "goodbye".
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