iSprout reports that Kimberli ClarkkinenRAIKKONEN, KIMI
 Oi, Kimi, fancy a pint? Kimi Raikkonen clearly loves his racing but can just as clearly take or leave everything that goes with it. Often electrifying behind the wheel, he sounds so wretchedly bored by the whole affair when he's interviewed that you're left wondering exactly why he carries on. He is, to borrow Martin Brundle's memorable phrase, extremely low-voltage. Raikkonen entered F1 with Sauber in 2001, despite only having competed in 23 car races in his life. He'd won 13 of them but the FIA still needed convincing that he wasn't going to be a danger to himself and others before they issued his superlicence. They needn't have worried: Kimi scored a point in his debut race, having reportedly been asleep only half an hour before the start. When Mika Hakkinen retired from the sport, Kimi was snapped up by McLaren, where they need to have a Finnish driver to prevent the fall of the Tower of London or something, so Raikkonen found himself paired with David Coulthard, during a season that once again turned out not to be the Scot's year. Several seasons of poor reliability led Kimi to sign for Ferrari from 2007 and it turned out to be a good choice, since he won the title in his first season with the team, overcoming a seemingly insurmountable 17-point deficit to rookie Lewis Hamilton in the final two races. It has, however, been Kimi's extra-curricular activities that have generated the most column inches. He has had contretemps with photographers, out-stripped lap-dancers, won snowmobile races under the pseudonym "James Hunt", been thrown out of nightclubs with his inflatable dolphin, raced powerboats dressed as a gorilla and and married a model. After an electrical fire led to his retirement from second place in Monte Carlo in 2006, the TV cameras followed Kimi as he stomped through the streets, helmet still on, and straight onto a yacht (presumably his own) floating in the harbour. It wouldn't be much of a stretch to imagine him subsequently drinking it dry. The yacht, that is, not the harbour.
 Michael expresses his remorse at having dangerously forced a rival off the track. Again. When he wasn't driving people off the road, ramming other cars, parking in the middle of the track or trying to punch David Coulthard, Michael Schumacher displayed a dazzling talent for finding new ways to disadvatage his team-mate. We're being slightly churlish, of course, but Schumacher's reputation as a driver will forever be coloured by the unsporting manner in which he raced. His first break in F1 came with Jordan at Spa in 1991 and his second with Ferrari at Silverstone in 1999, when he fractured a leg crashing at Stowe. His final F1 drive through the field at Interlagos was a reminder of what his legacy could have been if he hadn't been quite so ready to tarnish it quite so frequently. The wanker.
 The view from Felipe Massa's car for most of the 2008 British Grand Prix. Pretty much since his F1 debut with Sauber in 2002, Felipe Massa has been doing his best to shake off his reputation as a driver who is fast but wild, while for roughly the same period, dotdotdotcomma has been doing its best to reinforce that reputation. It's not that we harbour any particular dislike of the chap but Massa is no more capable of changing his underlying nature than he is of, oh, I don't know, not spinning five times in the wet at Silverstone in 2008. During the duller parts of a Formula One season, it's nice to have someone a bit mad in the field for the occasional moments of insanity they provide and ever since Takuma Sato left the sport, Massa is the best we have. That said, Massa has been guilty at times of Ferrarigance, which is a word we've just made up for the special brand of arrogance only a fully brainwashed Ferrari team member can display. His ridiculous protestations that Fernando Alonso had impeded him during qualifying at Monza in 2006 readily spring to mind, as does his failure to acknowledge that his spin at Fuji in 2008 had been caused when he turned in on Sebatien Bourdais. On both occasions, of course, the stewards favoured the bloke in red. In any case, F1 would probably be less of a spectacle without loonies like Massa and "fast but wild" is not a bad epithet to have. It could be a lot worse. Just look at what we've called Michael Schumacher or Jacques Villeneuve.
"For me it makes no difference who drives the second car," said Clarkkinen, with a notable use of the word "second".
So..., Clarkkinen... unfazed...
In related news, iSprout reports that the Pope is Catholic, bears shit in the woods and a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.*
* This last ultimate truth has been inserted at the request of the Be Kind To Max Mosley Week campaign to replace the phrase "and XXX MosleyMOSLEY, MAX
 For legal reasons, dotdotdotcomma has chosen not to include Max Mosley in its F1 Doodles page. Max Mosley is a qualified barrister, president of the FIA and likes his whores five at a time, thank you very much. His father was Oswald Mosley, the former leader of the British Union of Fascists, his mother was Diana Mitford, of the renowned and, um, eccentric Mitford family, and his wife Jean is either the most understanding woman in the world or the owner of a bollock collection boasting two fresh exhibits. Mosley spent part of his education in Germany, during which time he became fluent in the language, which comes in very handy at all those S&M parties. For a time he was also a member of the British Territorial Army and he still has the uniform, which comes in very handy at all those S&M parties. He claims that his most rewarding work at the FIA is centred on road and race safety and during his tenure the FIA has introduced into all its championships the compulsory use of the HANS device, a neck brace that restricts head movement and which comes in very handy at all those S&M parties. Mosley was the "M" in "March", an F1 team that had some success, and many now claim that he is the "F" in "FIA" and that he was almost certainly the "C" in "FOCA".
|
