Oh, c-rumbs...!
FIEh?FIA
 Max Mosley's preferred option for the location of the new FIA offices in Amsterdam. The FIA (or Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile to give it its full, inexplicably french, name) is an ominous association formed to represent motorists and motoring organisations. Its headquarters are at 8 Place de la Concorde, Paris (ring top bell), coincidentally just up the rue from one of the city's best bordellos. The federation acts as the governing body for a number of motorsport series and championships, mostly in a venal or, if we're feeling charitable, incompetent manner. It should not be confused with the Fédération Internationale de l'Alcosport, which governs Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix almost as badly. Comprising 222 member organisations, the FIA can also boast a Senate, a Court of Appeal and a General Assembly and it wouldn't take a stretch of the imagination to see its activities as part of a sinister plan to get itself recognised as a sovereign state in its own right. It's not a million miles from how Hitler started, that's all we're saying. Its decisions have at times left the FIA open to accusations of favouritism and manipulation and its credibility wasn't helped any by revelations that its married president, Max Mosley, was partial to sado-masochistic orgies involving more tarts than you can fit on one hand. Mosley, seeing no incompatibility between his behaviour and his position, failed to tender the resignation that many were keenly anticipating. They claim to do a lot of work on road safety but we've never knowingly seen any of their campaigns.
 Gilles Villeneuve as nature intended, back when Ferrari were crap but almost lovable. No team polarises fans quite like Ferrari: some believe that they can do no wrong, despite a vast and growing body of evidence to the contrary; other, sounder minds put them in roughly the same category as Lucius Malfoy, Jabba the Hutt and Sandi Toksvig. Until fairly recently, the team had a reputation for passionate disorganisation, which occasionally somehow produced a decent car, and there was no end of very good drivers queuing up to put their mark on a contract for the scuderia, only to be disappointed by the tractor they were given to race. The Brawn/Todt/Schumacher/Byrne axis changed all that. Suddenly the cars were quick, driveable and bullet-proof, while behind the scenes this highly political team fostered its "special relationship" with the FIA, leading to all manner of dubious rule interpretations in favour of the red cars. That the team inspires such extreme reactions is partly a product of its own success (many people love to hate the ultra-successful - just ask Man Utd, Bill Gates or Patrick Kielty) but also because of the strutting arrogance and faux innocence with which it has been achieved. The lesson, which seems to be repeatedly lost on Ferrari, is to win, lose and get caught breaking the rules with equal good grace. Some of our readers doubtless question the extent of dotdotdotcomma's continued antipathy towards the scuderia but when repeatedly faced with the team's insufferable arrogance in victory, sanctimonious posturing at perceived wrongs and instinctive refusal to accept blame, it's the only sane response. There. We got all the way through that without once calling them a bunch of cheating c*nts.
In an official Q&A released by his campaign team, the frenchman insisted that he would approach the role of FIEh? president with the same level of professionalism that he did during his championship-winning years at Ferrarsi, and Peugeot Sport before that.
dotdotdotcomma has run the statements contained in the Q&A past scientists at the Gadus Psychology Institute, and their conclusions are set out below.
When John Toad says "Some people suggested that I would be Ferrarsi's choice for the presidency, and the Cruderia responded by saying that they were in fact neutral. I completely agree with them. They should be neutral as I will be to all the teams if I am elected president", he really means "If elected president, I will be as neutral as Ferrarsi."
When John Toad says "This is a question of commitment and professionalism. The success I have enjoyed, with every team that I have ever worked with, has been founded upon professionalism and a total commitment to that team's goals. My approach to the FIEh? is no different", he really means "My approach to the FIEh? is founded upon a total commitment to the goals of every team I have ever worked with."
When John Toad says "I would not contemplate running for election as president if I could not focus all my professionalism, energy and commitment upon achieving the goals which are in the best interests of the FIEh? Acting as the guardian of the FIEh's independence is central to this", he really means "I will focus all my professionalism, energy and commitment upon acting as guardian of the FIEh?'s now legendary inalienable independence to be as Ferrarsi-biassed as they so choose without let or hindrance from its members."
When John Toad says "I have been very fortunate in my career to have enjoyed considerable success in motorsport. Like so many others in our sport I have benefited from the hard work of previous leaders of the FIEh? in creating a global platform on which to compete", he really means "I have been very fortunate to have benefited from the turning of the occasional blind eye, the reinterpretation of the odd bit of technical guidelines and every now and then the blatant disregard of equity by previous leaders of the FIEh? in creating a global platform to make a small manufacturer of red sports cars the tediously unstoppable force it has often turned out to be."
When John Toad says "I feel that for me the time is now right to give something back to the sport and the FIEh?'s clubs that have given me so much", he really means "I feel that for me the time is now right to give something back to the FIEh?'s clubs in addition to all of the red sports cars we've given them over the years, in return for which I expect nothing, other than to be rather handsomely remunerated and to see Ferrarsi win a few more championships, thank you very much."
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