homeblack pixel
Click to visit the 'Wisdom of James Allen' page
[where you've been: home...,diversions...,m&d games...,drink-a-long-a-grand-prix...,
menu bar
  menu bar menu bar menu bar  



Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix (2002 Edition)
The Rules

What Is Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix?
Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix is a simple game which combines ITV's coverage of a Formula 1 Grand Prix with copious quantities of alcohol.

What Is The Object Of The Game?
The object of the game is to get blind drunk.

What Do I Need?
A television tuned to ITV's F1 coverage or playing a video of the same
"Straight" pint glasses
Copious quantities of beer of not less than 4% ABV
Plenty of snacks
Champagne or equiv
A timing device of some sort (qualifying only)

How Do I Play?
As the now legendary Murray Walker used to say: anything can happen in Formula 1, and it usually does.
Some of these things can happen with a reasonable degree of certainty. Others are very unlikely to happen, but it would be rather amusing if they did.
In DALA-GP such things are called "Incidents". During play, participants mark Incidents by paying tribute to the wisdom of Murray Walker[1]. When an Incident occurs and is witnessed by one or more of the players, each player (whether or not they themselves witnessed the actual Incident) must consume sufficient beer from their glass to reduce the level of beer by the width of the player's drinking-hand index finger.
An Incident only incurs a penalty the first time it is shown in the broadcast.
SMALL PRINT
An Incident must be honoured when:
it occurs live on screen
it is shown for the first time as a replay because the idiot foreign director missed it first time around
An Incident must not be honoured when:
it is shown as part of a punditry discussion or in reportage
it is shown in a replay having already been properly honoured
Exceptions to the one-finger penalty are as follows:
when a joker is played;
bonuses and other phenomena.
Drinking is only permitted in response to an official FIA-registered[2] Incident (except during Free Practice Sessions). A full list of such Incidents is given below, divided into four categories: Clichés, Punditry, Action and Adverts.
In order that momentum is not lost, a wide range of Incidents are defined to apply throughout ITV's qualifying and race coverage, including the pre-race build-up, post-race punditry and advertisement breaks. DALA-GP can even be enjoyed during Murray and Martin's Christmas Special.
Bonuses, free practice sessions and other phenomena
These rules are doing a Toyota for 2002, (i.e. spending the year in testing and development).
Playing The Joker
Players may elect to sponsor their favourite team and its drivers. Sponsorships must be made by all players or by none at all. It is best practice for each player to sponsor a different team. Teams to be sponsored must be declared before the start of the game. Totems (including baseball caps, clothing, flags, models, etc.) must be displayed if available.
Playing jokers has the effect that throughout the ITV coverage, where an Incident applies to a sponsor's team or its drivers, the usual penalty must be doubled for that player.
It is strongly advised that no-one sponsors Ferrari. Not only is this anti-social, but it could be dangerous.

Official FIA Schedule of Incidents

Clichés

Cliché Incidents occur when a commentator or pundit uses a particular hackneyed or humorous word or phrase to describe a driver, team or circuit. Words or phrases in quotes must be verbatim.
Driver clichés
M.Schumacher"four-time world champion"
Barrichello"likeable"
Coulthard"Twynholm in Scotland"
Raikkonen"feisty"
R.Schumacher"brother"
Montoya"Colombian"
Heidfeld 
Massa"Brazilian"/young
Fisichella"Roman"
Satobest Japanese hope for years/ever
Villeneuve 
Panis 
Trulliany pun on "truly"
Button"character-building"
Irvine"Ulsterman"
de la Rosa"Spaniard"
Frentzen"Harry-Heinz"
Bernoldipronounced "on-reekie"
Yoong"Malaysian"
Webberoutstanding result in Australia
Salo"experienced"
McNishbelated but deserved F1 drive
 
Team clichés
Ferrari"the Maranello concern"
McLaren"silver arrows"
Williams"the Grove concern"
Sauber"Swiss"
Jordan"Silverstone"
BARreference to internal politics
Renaultinnovative engine
Jaguar"leaping cat"
Arrows"rejuvenated"
Minardi"Faenza"
Toyota"Cologne"
 
Former drivers and other personalities
Ayrton Senna"The late, great..."
Bernie Ecclestone"Formula 1 Supremo..."
Ross Brawn"Master tactician..."
 
Tyre clichés
Bridgestonehold up well in race conditions
Michelingo off quickly and then improve
 
Circuit clichés
Melbournelake
Sepangsets the standard
Interlagosbumpy
Imola"variante alta...top of the circuit"
Barcelonapoorly attended
A1 RingBrambilla crash celebrating win
Monte Carlotight and twisty
Montrealisland
Nurburgringnot as good as the old circuit
Magny-Courssmooth
SilverstoneNorthamptonshire
Hockenheimcompromise set-up
Hungaroringgo-kart track
Spachangeable weather
Monza"historic" or "banking"
Indianapolisbricks
SuzukaFerris wheel

Punditry
Commentators' favourite jargon
"rooster tails"
"sea of red"
"tyre war"
"new boots"/"new set of boots"
"fall(ing) off the track"
"sandbagging"
"tumbling lap times"
"stunning sector time"
"all of the track and more"

Murrayisms
(In Murray's continued lamented absence, a penalty must be taken if any of the following is heard during a review of a race on which He commentated, and a double penalty is invoked if any of these clichés are uttered by any other commentator or pundit.)
"Anything can happen in Formula 1, and it usually does"
"F1 is 'if' backwards"
"Regenmaster" or "rainmeister" (but not "regenmeister" or "rainmaster")
"Heeeeeere's Rubens!"
"See...visually"
"If that isn't...,I'm a Chinaman"
"Fastèst"

Allenisms
"Folks"
Using "P(x)" for a position
"Max out"
"Guys"
"in the sweet spot"
"monstering"
"straightaway" instead of "straight"
"crawling all over the back of"
"race leader Michael Schumacher"
any really hackneyed cliché by unanimous consent
any nauseating fawning over Michael Schumacher by unanimous consent

Brundleisms
"in the zone"
"the sharp end of the grid"
"keeping a watching brief" instead of "unable to overtake"
"armful(s) of opposite lock"

Goodmanisms
"Bad luck, (insert hapless driver's name here)"

Kravitzisms
"two thousand two" instead of "two thousand and two" (or any missing "and" in a number)

Rosenthalisms
"so ten out of ten for (insert winning driver's name here)"

Other punditry Incidents
Martin corrects James
Use of the words "fanatical" and "tifosi" in the same sentence
Someone excitedly reports that smoke from a car is a blown engine and then realises it was a wheel locking up
Cut to driver's wife or girlfriend
Reference to a driver living in Monaco
Use of the phrase "for sure" by a foreign driver
Mention of track or ambient temperature

Action

General
A driver retires or has an irreparable crash
A change in weather conditions
Inappropriate driver gesture captured in slow motion
An umbrella or other non-motor-racing item on the circuit. Or a spectator.
A driver gets a lift back to the pits on a scooter
A driver has to use the spare car
Team-mates collide
A car rejoins the track after going seriously (all four wheels) off-road
Comment that gravel and/or mud will be spread over the track from the sidepods next time a recently off-roaded car brakes
Producer focuses excessively on an under-performing home team or driver

In The Pits
Discussion of whether tyres to be fitted are new or scrubbed

Qualifying
All players incur a one-finger penalty for every minute completed before the first car comes out.
An Arrows, Minardi or Toyota is first out
A "home" driver is first out
Session stopped
A change in the driver on provisional pole
Commentators discuss the teams getting the timing of their last lap just right to start it before the chequered flag
A driver runs back to the pits with his helmet on
Car called in by the scrutineers
Use of the phrase "hooked up"
Michael Schumacher on an in or out lap fails to move over for someone on a hot lap

The Gridwalk
Interview with Bernie Ecclestone
Interview with the pole-sitter
Interview with someone who clearly doesn't know what the fuck is going on
Someone refuses an interview
Someone attacks or irritates Martin, or steals something of his

Formation Lap
A car stalls on the grid, or is slow away so that it is overtaken
Commentators discuss whether wiggling the car warms up the tyres
Commentators discuss whether overtaking is allowed on the formation lap

Racing Incidents
SMALL PRINT
The race is on from the first red light going on until the winner climbs out of the car in parc fermé.
Stall on the grid
Overtaking for position on the track - live on camera only - after the first corner
Stall in a pitstop
Safety car goes out
Safety car comes in
Driver takes a stop/go penalty
Winner swerves over to the pitwall to acknowledge his team
A team fucks up a pitstop

Post-Race
A trophy is presented by someone you've heard of
A driver or team is placed under investigation for an alleged breach of the rules

Advertisement Break
An advert for a car linked to an F1 team (Fiat, Ferrari, Mercedes, BMW, Renault, Honda, Ford, Jaguar)
An advert for Michelin or Bridgestone tyres
An advert featuring a current or past F1 driver
An advert featuring F1 imagery
An advert for a brand of alcoholic beverage being used by any of the players

[1] This applies even in the absence of Murray from the commentary squad.
[2] Federation Internationale de l'Alcosport.