There's a part of us that believes that ITV's F1 coverage would be slightly more dull without the presence of James Allen. Admittedly it's a dark, deeply disturbed part that probably shouldn't be let out in public without a straitjacket and an armed escort, but it's there nonetheless and it was this part of us that held sway in the debate over whether we could actually stomach devoting a section of the web site to the aforesaid puerile commentator.

The fact that this section would be disrespectful, insulting and something that means the opposite of "affectionate" almost certainly also had a lot to do with it.

Do you ever find yourself disbelieving what you think you just heard? So do we. Here are the phrases that had us rewinding the video and reaching for a notebook.

 

Give this page a voicebox and a microphone and 96% of viewers wouldn't notice the difference.

 

Not as short a page as you might think.