Just Plain Embarrassing
"Big up for Fisichella, eh, Martin?" (San Marino 2003)
Martin Brundle: "I think I can see blisters too on the rear tyres of Trulli." James Allen: "Just tell us what you mean by blisters then." (Germany 2003)
"And look at this: he's nowheresville - six point two seconds down." (Japan 2003)
"And the alarm bells will be ringing at Jenson Buttonville." (Malaysia 2004)
"And you see one of the mechanics pulling the fuel man off." (Spain 2004)
"The only racing driver - or only Formula One driver - to wear an earring in his left ear. A twenty-one-year-old with plenty of attitude, Christian Klien." (Spain 2004)
"They come to win and win they have done big." (Hungary 2004)
"Big up to Bob Bell." (Malaysia 2005)
"If you can keep your head while all those around you are losing theirs, then you will take a giant step towards the championship." (China 2007)
"And so it all comes down to this: a season in one day." (Brazil 2007)
Literally
"We said they were all at sea in the wet - literally they were." (Canada 2003)
"He's hardly had any set-up time here today and he really is driving blind in every sense of the word." (France 2003)
"Michael Schumacher, who has finished twice here and won once in the three grands prix we've had at Indianapolis. He owns this place. Literally." (USA 2003)
"We ride on board with the world champion as he tries on the inside and succeeds [at] the corner he virtually owns on this race track." (Japan 2003)
"A baptism of fire - literally - for Rosberg. He's out now with a new nosecone." (Bahrain 2006)
Literary Nonsense
"In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king. It's never truer than the Williams team, I think - just one mirror to look out of." (Canada 2003)
"They [the crowd] have come here to salute Montoya, not to bury him." (USA 2004)
"He [Juan Pablo Montoya]'s been through highs and lows; he treats both impostors just the same then." (USA 2004)
"And today I think has proved that if you can keep your head when all those around you are losing theirs, then your name is Michael Schumacher." (USA 2004)
"O, to be at Silverstone now that summer's here." (Britain 2004)
"Lewis Hamilton: he came, he saw, and he matched the world champion on performance." (Australia 2007)
Self-Contradiction
"So the safety car coming up the hill out of the Juncao corner - that's the pit-lane entrance you can see on the right - and in a few seconds the Brazilian grand prix will be under way. This is, as you can see, we're, well, one lap into it, in fact." (Brazil 2003)
"A rather bizarre scenario here, where the man on the podium is not going to be there." (Brazil 2003)
"Well, I told you it took 25 seconds to make a pit-stop here in Montreal. That is exactly the margin - 25.2 seconds." (Canada 2003)
"You can see that these [roofless] grandstands that once stood empty are now absolutely packed to the rafters." (Spain 2004)
"[On lap 58 of 70] Ross will no doubt be peeling his mid-race banana fairly soon." (France 2004)
"Well, funnily enough, it's exactly half a second, what it cost him, looking at the timing computer. He was eleven seconds ahead of Michael Schumacher and he's dropped a second." (France 2004)
"He's matched Jenson Button's first sector time almost identically." (China 2004)
"Jarno Trulli: the most consistent performer this year so far in qualifying - second, second, third and fifth in the four Grands Prix to date." (Spain 2005)
"And here you can see Fisichella, the leader, rejoining behind Kimi Raikkonnen." (Japan 2005)
"Onto the back straight, then, for the final ever Jordan qualifying lap in Formula One: 250 Grands Prix, nine victories, four wins, 19 podiums." (China 2005)
"In the constructors' [championship] they are nine points behind Renault, so they have to score a one-two." [They just had to score ten points more.] (Brazil 2006)
"But he [race-leader Lewis Hamilton] now faces a serious threat from Kimi Raikkonen, who has dropped back to 8th place now." (Australia 2008)
Tortured Metaphors
"Jenson's letting the water bounce off his back like water off a duck's back." (Malaysia 2003)
"Ferrari said a car is only beautiful when it wins. From the looks of things, this thing is a Picasso." (Spain 2003)
"He [Pierre Dupasquier] looks a bit like Jacques Cousteau and he certainly knows the secrets of the deep when it comes to tyre technology." (Monaco 2003)
"Well, I just saw Patrick Stewart, the actor, plays Captain Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek. He's in the paddock and certainly Ferrari today, Martin, will be hoping to rediscover their warp speed." (Britain 2003)
"His father is an explosives expert - works in the quarries, blowing up rocks - and Fernando Alonso's certainly had an explosive impact on Formula One." (Hungary 2003)
"Michael Schumacher struck oil in the Gulf state of Bahrain." (Bahrain 2004)
"It's the hat-trick they all dream of. His compatriot Ronaldo has scored a few of them and today Rubens has scored big time here at Monza." (Italy 2004)
"The typhoon may have missed us yesterday but today we have been truly blown away by Hurricane Michael." (Japan 2004)
"He [Jarno Trulli]'s like Fort Knox when it comes to qualifying laps: as secure as they get." (Turkey 2005)
"This track is the bucking bronco of Formula One." (Turkey 2005)
"He's a bit like the bloke sitting on a bus which is teetering over a cliff. He might be all right but then again he might not." (Germany 2006)
"He [Robert Kubica] bet the house and the house fell on top of him." [When he switched to slicks and it was too early, so he had to pit again for intermediates.] (China 2006)
"[Kimi Raikkonen] just flicks cares off his back like water off a duck's back." (Australia 2007)
"Monza: as emotional as a Pavarotti aria." (Italy 2007)
What?
"The whoops and hollers - the sound bounces and echoes off the buildings here at Monaco like ghosts whipping round a town centre." (Monaco 2003)
"Both Montreal and Monaco circuits, which are not particularly downforce-dependent,..." (Europe 2003)
"Michael Schumacher there, kicking up the spray as he goes into his first flying lap of the weekend qualifying lap of the weekend." (France 2003)
"Across the start-finish line then, always on the kerb charismatically here at Silverstone." (Britain 2003)
"There's Flavio Briatore, like an expectant father, waiting for the birth of another grand prix victory." (Hungary 2003)
"You can see the leaves on the outside of the race track, lying everywhere. It's a good job we're not running a railway here, isn't it? Who knows what might happen?" (Italy 2003)
"He [Jenson Button] is now closing right in on the back of Juan Montoya. The gap is tumbling like a fruit machine." (Bahrain 2004)
"There's Rubens Barrichello: eyes closed, focussing." (San Marino 2004)
"Pantano sawing away at the wheel there, like an actor on the stage." (Spain 2004)
"The Michelin mirage of Monza lasted 41 laps here." (Italy 2004)
"If he carries on like this, he'll be on the front two rows." (Brazil 2004)
Jim Rosenthal: "James, it ain't half hot, mum." James Allen: "Absolutely. It certainly isn't, Jim." (Bahrain 2005)
"Let's see what Webber can do, standing up in his seat." (San Marino 2005)
"Well, it's certainly been a race in which the pendulum has swung forwards and backwards." (France 2005)
"I understand the team will be called 'Honda' as of January the first next year and that's terrific news for British motorsport." (Japan 2005)
"They [Renault] can really spin the dice and do exactly what they want." (China 2005)
"He hasn't really recovered from it psychologically-or-anything-else-wise." (Bahrain 2006)
"You can see Montoya and Raikkonen. They are the dark horses in every sense." (Malaysia 2006)
"Alonso just taking a moment to tie a shoelace. We've seen that before. No question about his fitness though." (Spain 2006)
"Schumacher rammed one up the inside of Rubens right here, into that chicane on the last lap and it was quite some time before Rubens would talk to him again after that." (Monaco 2006)
[On Jacques Villeneuve's recent wedding] "Recently got married, as I said, to his girlfriend. Hasn't known her all that long. Johanna, her name. It's a bit spooky - that's the same name as his mother." (Britain 2006)
"Here at Silverstone, Fernando Alonso showed his class. He really owns Formula One at the moment." (Britain 2006)
"Controversy is Formula One's middle name." (Canada 2006)
"We were saying earlier on I wouldn't want to try and write down the top ten on a piece of paper but even less now" [this was in the third session of qualifying, when only the top ten cars were running] (Germany 2006)
"[Positions] one, two and three separated by a handkerchief!" (China 2006)
"...the tiny kingdom of Finland..." [which is (a) a republic, and (2) 40% bigger than the UK (or 16.27 metric Waleses)] (Brazil 2007)
"This year it's Raikkonen who's looking at the sword." (Australia 2008)
Worshipping Michael
Martin Brundle: "Michael Schumacher - can he master this tricky track?" James Allen: "Well, master's a good word to use to describe Michael Schumacher." (Britain 2003)
"Even the great Michael Schumacher is having to be cooled down in his cockpit." (Germany 2003)
"Michael Schumacher engages first gear. Everybody engages first gear." (Germany 2003)
"Certainly when we arrived here yesterday, he [Michael Schumacher, of course] looked like he had the place bought and paid for." (Bahrain 2004)
"Schumacher, whatever happens, just always, always seems to be ahead...except Suzuka last year." (Bahrain 2004)
"I watched a programme last night on Bahraini TV. Couldn't understand a word of it - it was all in Arabic - but all I could understand was the word 'Schumacher'. They seemed to say it about once every five seconds." (Bahrain 2004)
"In Bahrain, nine storeys high, the control tower, and that's a replica of it. Weighs five point six kilos but Schumacher lifted it up as if it weighed...,was as light as a feather." (Bahrain 2004)
"And that is why Schumacher is Michael Schumacher." (France 2004)
"The big crowd here - they've certainly heard of Michael Schumacher. They've come to see him do some of what he does best, which is beating the opposition - Woah! And he's made a bit of a mess of his warm-up lap." (China 2004)
"He [Michael Schumacher] really is a hurricane of a driver." (Japan 2004)
"A mighty lap from mighty Michael!" (Hungary 2005)
"He is the king of America today. Michael Schumacher wiiiiiins!" (USA 2006)
"Well, this has the feeling of one of those Michael Schumacher days about it, doesn't it?" (Hungary 2006)
"I wouldn't like to predict a winner of this Grand Prix. I quite fancy Michael Schumacher but a lot can happen over the course of the next two hours." (Hungary 2006)
"It's like balletic watching the mechanics dancing over the front wing, getting out of his [Michael Schumacher's] way." (Hungary 2006)
"Is Schumacher gonna do the lunge that we all wanna see him do?" (Turkey 2006)
"Is he [Felipe Massa] gonna beat the great man [Michael Schumacher, of course]?" (Brazil 2006)
"A typical Michael - you know, striding around the paddock in his sort of muscular, confident kind of way." (Brazil 2006)
"A lot of people locking up the right-hander at Laranja. We've seen Schumacher himself do it three or four times this morning in free practice." (Brazil 2006)
"Felipe Massa, who did not one but two laps quicker than the great man [Michael Schumacher, of course]." (Brazil 2006)
"He[Michael Schumacher]'s gonna have to pull out something superhuman to win this race today but such has been his career, I would not bet against it." (Brazil 2006)
"You're riding on board with one of the greats, if not the greatest racing driver, in the history of Formula One - Michael Schumacher." (Brazil 2006)
"You have been watching one of the greats, if not the greatest driver of all time. He did it his way and not everybody liked it but we'll never see another like him, in every sense." (Brazil 2006)
"Michael Schumacher's gone and everyone's frankly had to grow up a little bit to fill the gap that he has left." (Australia 2007)
You Don't Say
"I think as the season goes on, we'll see more and more of Frentzen." (Australia 2003)
"This Jaguar really does change direction beautifully. Just look at it: lefts and rights." (San Marino 2003)
"Formula One today has a distinctive Spanish flavour." (Spain 2003)
"Look at the front wheels - working in both directions." (Europe 2003)
"Jacques Villeneuve had an engine failure this morning - a rather unusual one. The engine blew up massively." (Britain 2003)
"Well, we just saw a sign being held out there for race leader Juan Montoya saying "switch" from a Williams team [member?]. We'll try and find out for you what that means but clearly they want him to switch something from one thing to another." (Germany 2003)
"No question at all that it is raining." (Malaysia 2004)
"It looks like a double retirement for Jordan here this afternoon. That's not good for them." (Spain 2004)
"Look at Alonso and Trulli: level-pegging on points and that says a lot about how well-matched these two drivers are in the Renault team." (Monaco 2004)
"Formula One always in a state of perpetual change." (China 2004)
"The front-runners occupying all the points-paying positions." (Japan 2004)
"Raikkonen just doing a few mental calculations in his head." (Brazil 2005)
"It's been amazing this year how the top teams have just hogged all the points." (Spain 2006)
"You need a winning car to win in Formula 1." (Britain 2006)
"I quite fancy Michael Schumacher." (Hungary 2006)
"And remember: there is a world championship at stake here." (China 2006)
"[Michael Schumacher] down the hill at the end of lap two takes the lead, which he needs if he's going to win this Grand Prix." (Japan 2006)
"'Insouciant' is a good word to describe Kimi Raikkonen. He just has that calmness about him." (Australia 2007)
