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The Formula 1 Look-alike Championship

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"I don't make mistakes. I make prophesies
that immediately turn out to be wrong."  

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  Ross Brawn/That bloke with the scary coat-hanger from Raiders Of The Lost Ark (suggested by Our Man at the Ministry)
  Ross Brawn   That bloke with the scary coat-hanger from Raiders Of The Lost Ark    Is it possible that the man who apparently melted horribly in the presence of the Ark of the Covenant is also responsible for the often decisive race strategy at Ferrari? Could be. Coincidentally, the character's name is Toht, which has a familiar ring to it.
  Ross Brawn   That bloke with the scary coat-hanger from Raiders Of The Lost Ark
  Heinz-Harald Frentzen/Fox Mulder
  Heinz-Harald Frentzen   Fox Mulder    Could anyone deny that amiable Heinz-Harald bears a spooky resemblance to David Duchovny of X-Files fame? Are they, in fact, one and the same? The truth is out there.
  Rubens Barrichello/Kelsey Grammer
  Rubens Barrichello   Kelsey Grammer    It'll be a dry day in Seattle before you catch us refuting the possibility that Rubens is closely related to cultured radio psychiatrist and former Cheers bar-propper Frasier Crane. Does anyone have evidence to the contrary? We're listening.
  Jean Todt/Tattoo
  Jean Todt   Tattoo    Are we the only ones to have noticed a distinct family resemblance between Ferrari technical director Jean Todt and the diminutive Fantasy Island resident? As Tattoo himself may have put it: "Boss! Boss! The same!"
  David Coulthard/Kryten
  David Coulthard   Kryten    Have you ever noticed how you never see DC and Red Dwarf's longest-serving mechanoid in the same room? We're just saying, that's all.
  Bernie Ecclestone/Lurch
  Bernie Ecclestone   Lurch    Of course, nobody would dare say it to his face but the similarity between self-made Formula 1 supremo Bernie and the Addams family's cadaverous retainer is marked.
  Olivier Panis/Christophe(r) Lambert
  Olivier Panis   Christophe(r) Lambert    Rumours abound that journeyman chauffeur and flukey Monaco winner Olivier is none other than erstwhile Tarzan and claymore-swinger Christopher Lambert. But that can't be right. There can be only one.
  Kimi Raikkonen/Kurt von Trapp
  Kimi Raikkonen   Kurt von Trapp    At sixteen, going on seventeen, youthful McLaren hotshoe Raikkonen could be looking in a mirror when he sees Austrian warbler and The Sound Of Music star Kurt. As far as we're concerned, Kimi ranks right up there with brown paper packages tied up with string.
  Craig Pollock/Ed Burns
  Craig Pollock   Ed Burns    Strangely-accented, unemployed former BAR makeweight Craig Pollock is a dead ringer for debonair, suave ladies' favourite Ed Burns. That must be some consolation to him.
  Sauber's Sergio Rinland and Pedro Diniz/Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog
  Sauber's Sergio Rinland and Pedro Diniz   Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog    Time was when 1980s premier children's entertainer Bob Carolgees had the world at his feet and his hand up a dog's arse. It seems that now the mustachioed voice-thrower has found gainful employment at Sauber but the question of quite what he does with his left hand these days is probably something that only Pedro can answer.
  Takuma Sato/Tutankhamun
  Takuma Sato   Tutankhamun    Jordan ain't a million miles from Egypt, so surely it cannot be coincidence that boy wonder Sato and boy king Amun bear an uncanny resemblance. Pharoah 'nough, you might say, but Nefer let it be said that young Takuma would be better off in the IndyCartouche Racing League. [That's enough crap Egyptian puns. Ed.]
  Mark Webber/Rupert Everett
  Mark Webber   Rupert Everett    Australia is about as much of Another Country as it's possible to get, and top antipodean action hero Mark Webber is the dead spit of effete thespian and mate-of-Madonna Rupert Everett. And fifth place at Melbourne may not be as good as a podium, but for the Minardi driver, it's The Next Best Thing.
  Michael Schumacher/Beaker from The Muppets
  Michael Schumacher   Beaker from The Muppets    One of the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational likenesses we've come across is this one, pairing droopy-jawed Ferrari peddler Schumacher with feckless laboratory assistant Beaker. As these two untouched photographs show, they bear a striking resemblance to each other. Rumour has it that the lad from Kerpen changed his name from Michael Schumuppet but we don't believe that.
  Michael Schumacher/Draco Malfoy
  Michael Schumacher   Draco Malfoy    He is the very personification of evil; he is the nemesis of all that is good and fair; his tactics are underhand and devious; he is an agent of he-who-shall-not-be-named. And he looks just like Draco Malfoy, another all-round-bad-egg.
  Jim Rosenthal/Sesame Street's The Count
  Jim Rosenthal   Sesame Street's The Count    How many common facial features are shared by ITV's charmless and uninformed (w)anchor-man and the old Sesame Street favourite with a number fixation? Let's count them! Ah-vun! Ah-two! [We get the idea. Ed.]
  Juan Pablo Montoya/Zac Drayson (suggested by George from Lincoln)
  Juan Pablo Montoya   Zac Drayson    Fans of Australian soaps will no doubt have noticed just how much bullish, nicely rounded Williams street-fighter Juan Pablo looks like cheeky, boyish surfer dude Zac, who plays Will Smith. With their snug, white T-shirts, swarthy complexions and "Look at me, Mum!" grins, both enjoy the attention of devoted females the world over. Home and away, in fact.
  Jean Todt/Alvaro Vitali (suggested by Enrico Sola from Turin, Italy)
  Jean Todt   Alvaro Vitali    Pit-lane Napoleon, comedy headphones wearer and ironically-titled Ferrari "Sporting" Director Jean Todt is thought by everyone in Italy to be the twin of seventies trash movie star Alvaro Vitali, whose co-star in those Italian sex comedies was Edvige Fenech, former girlfriend of none other than Luca di Montezemolo. Vitali habitually played ugly perverts who spent all their time thinking about matters prurient and scatological but we wouldn't stoop so low as to suggest any similarities in that department. Enrico tells us that since those days Alvaro "has become a cult", which is funny because that's almost exactly what Jean Todt is.
  Heinz-Harald Frentzen/Cath Alogue-Model
  Heinz-Harald Frentzen   Cath Alogue-Model    Those of our readers who regularly peruse the pages of popular clothing catalogues may be forgiven for thinking that Herman journeyman Heinz-Harald Frentzen was moonlighting as a ladies' fashion model. Closer inspection of the lingerie and swimwear sections (not pictured) should dispel this misapprehension. The management regrets that it has been unable to identify the model concerned, and would welcome any information (and further pictures) at the usual address.
  Jacques Villeneuve/Jade from Big Brother
  Jacques Villeneuve   Jade from Big Brother    When french-Canadian Indy refugee Jacques squashes into his helmet, his already unappealingly pinched visage is so contorted that he bears a startling resemblance to the late, great Jade Goody. Nepotism is to blame for the success of both; with one it was a Big Brother, while with the other it was a more talented father.
  Pierre Dupasquier/Jacques-Yves Cousteau (suggested by James Allen)
  Pierre Dupasquier   Jacques-Yves Cousteau    From James Allen's commentary during qualifying for the 2002 US Grand Prix: "Pierre Dupasquier there on the right, just playing with his nose. Looks a lot like Jacques Cousteau, doesn't he?"

Well, not really, James, no. Perhaps there wasn't a grown-up around to explain this to you but one of the usual requirements for people looking alike is that they have a physical resemblance to each other and, while Michelin's grand fromage and the seventies TV diver may both be big in rubber, they're not actually very similar to look at. Still, thanks for trying and better luck next time. Now, back to the nursery with you.
  Ralf Schumacher/Oliver Bierhoff (suggested by Arend Jespers from The Netherlands)
  Ralf Schumacher   Oliver Bierhoff    Stocky celebrity sibling Ralf is, to slip temporarily into the vernacular, the dead spit of Oliver Bierhoff, professional footballer and amateur poseur. Bierhoff is known for his prowess in the air and, as anyone who saw Ralf's short but spectacular flight at the 2002 Australian Grand Prix can testify, Ralf's no slouch in that department either. Ralf struggles to take corners if his team-mate is anywhere near him, a problem from which Oliver doesn't suffer, but when it comes to penalties, Ralf's strategy of crossing the white line as he exits the pit-lane gets results that are hard to beat. [That's more than enough, thank you. Ed.]
  Neil Ressler/Spike Milligan
  Neil Ressler   Spike Milligan    As these photographs show, former Jaguar CEO Neil and lamented comedy legend Spike could be brothers. Spike, of course, is famous for The Goon Show, his nonsense verse and novels such as Jaguar Racing - My Part In Its Downfall. As far as we can tell, Neil is famous for absolutely puckoon.

There was a young fellow called Ressler
A team boss who was quite uselessler
From Jaguar F1
They retired the bum
And Ressler became quite depressler
(Little-known Spike Milligan limerick)
  Jacques Villeneuve/Christian Slater (suggested by Arend Jespers from The Netherlands)
  Jacques Villeneuve   Christian Slater    Under-performing razor-dodger Jacques can draw comfort from knowing that he's not the only famous, pinch-faced talent-faker around, for he has a doppelganger and soul-mate in questionably gifted Jack Nicholson-wannabe Christian. Such is their similarity and so thin their ability in their chosen fields that, were they to swap careers, we don't think we'd notice the difference.
  Mika Hakkinen/Kimi Raikkonen
  Mika Hakkinen   Kimi Raikkonen    All right, we've cheated a bit here. Although the pictures do indeed show the 2001 version of quicksilver family man Mika and the 2002 edition of kindergarten escapee Kimi, it's no great surprise that they're together on the look-alikes pages, for they share something other than the froidness of their sang. Somewhere in Finland there's a laboratory that turns out motor racing clones, each with their own little quirks, a bit like Cabbage Patch Dolls in helmets. You mark our words, it won't be long before little Miki Rokkinen, currently residing in a test tube in Scandinavia, is a household name.
  Flavio Briatore/David Dickinson
  Flavio Briatore   David Dickinson    Flamboyant, loud-besuited TV tat-peddler David Dickinson could be the brother of Flavio Briatore, the seemingly mandatory driver manager and F1 know-nothing. Although Flavio would undoubtedly bridle at being labelled an antique, this picture would seem to indicate that he is, in fact, carved from mahogany.
  Eddie Jordan/Trevor Horn
  Eddie Jordan   Trevor Horn    Just a few years back, Eddie Jordan was less the smooth operator with constantly changing facial hair and more the large-bespectacled, pastel-clad Trevor Horn twin shown here. Trevor, you may recall, was the Buggles front-man who produced Frankie Goes To Hollywood, while Eddie, as you know, is the Jordan front-man who watched Schumi go to Benetton. Eddie will doubtless be hoping that his new Ford engines won't sound quite as tinny as Video Killed The Radio Star.
  Felipe Massa/Donny Osmond
  Felipe Massa   Donny Osmond    Felipe Massa, former Sauber lunatic and now resident test-grouch at Maranello, is far too young to remember squeaky-clean Donny Osmond, the crooning toothpaste advertiser's dream from Salt Lake City, but they could have been separated at birth. Felipe may be more "puppy fat" than "puppy love" but they do both have a talent for making people scream. Donny, of course, can cause women of a certain age to become vocal from two hundred paces, while Felipe has much the same effect on marshals as he rockets towards them across the gravel trap.
  Fernando Alonso/Terry Hall
  Fernando Alonso   Terry Hall    Fernie, a message to you: you look just like that bloke from The Specials!

Yes, Fernando Alonso, the quicksilver, tufty-chinned champ-in-waiting, could be looking in the mirror in the bathroom (okay, so that was The Beat but it's close enough) when he sees Terry Hall, mournful-voiced gloom-merchant and dotdotdotcomma favourite. Of course, Fernando's got superior ska-control. And that's what gets results.
  Geoff Willis/Gian Maria Volonté (suggested by Enrico Sola from Turin, Italy)
  Geoff Willis   Gian Maria Volonté    It's hard to believe that Italian actor Gian Maria Volonté, who made his name in Sergio Leone's classic Westerns, isn't related to Geoff Willis, the former Williams chief aerodynamicist who took a few dollars more (sorry about that one) to become BAR's technical director. Enrico tells us that Gian Maria went on to become a politician who was also known for liking a drink or two, pursuits that somehow always seem to go hand-in-hand, and while Signore Volonté has now gone to that great boozerama in the sky, it is comforting to know that Geoff Willis is also making a career out of propping up a BAR.
  Michael Schumacher/Alex Winter (suggested by the Short sisters)
  Michael Schumacher   Alex Winter    We don't doubt that Alex Winter, who played Bill S. Preston Esquire in the bodacious Bill and Ted films, is a thoroughly decent chap, so we hesitate to draw attention to his physical similarity to Michael Schumacher, the slope-mouthed, charisma-free rule-bender, but the camera never lies. Bill, of course, was a founder member of seminal rock ensemble Wyld Stallyns, while Michael seems to prefer prancing horses and whereas Bill is a practised exponent of the ancient art of air guitar, the only musical ability Schumacher Snr. demonstrates is a marked tendency to blow his own trumpet. Bogus!
  Frank Williams/Mr. Burns from The Simpsons (suggested by Erika Stroem from Lincoln)
  Frank Williams   Mr. Burns from The Simpsons    Many people have thought it but few dare say it: Frank Williams and Montgomery Burns are one and the same! Sir Frank, the steely world-champion-sacker, is never seen in the same room as Mr. Burns, nuclear power plant owner and Mammon worshipper. Both men are, of course, immensely rich but, while Sir Frank's wealth is really just a by-product of his passion for racing, the by-products of Mr. Burns' operation are slightly less welcome, tending to glow in the dark a bit more than is usually considered healthy. It is, however, a little difficult to see Patrick Head in the role of Smithers.
  James Allen/F1 2001 game mechanics
  James Allen   F1 2001 game mechanics    It's not every day that you settle down with EA Sport's F1 2001 for a quick blast around your favourite circuit, only to find that your pit-crew consists entirely of James Allens. The nonsense-spouting Schumacher groupie seems to have found time in his busy schedule of Ferrari-fawning and shouting "Are you ready? ARE YOU READY? GO!!!" to get his chubby, big-haired visage digitally captured and used as the model for the mechanics that cluster round your car just before the green light. It's almost enough to put you off playing the game.
  Nic Kiesa/Jonathan Edwards
  Nic Kiesa   Jonathan Edwards    New Minardi boy Nic Kiesa bears such a close resemblance to Olympic triple-jump champion Jonathan Edwards that we believe the two must have been struck from the same mould. Jonathan is known to lay the blame for his athletic success firmly upon his faith in god, and we presume Nic will be praying to his chosen deity that his post-Minardi career will go the way of Saints Justin, Mark and Fernando, rather than St Anthony.

And Nic must be hoping that Grand Prix glory is just a short hop, step and jump away.
  David Coulthard/Easter Island statue (suggested by Caroline)
  David Coulthard   Easter Island statue    We are endebted to Caroline, who tells us that her friend's husband makes these statues in his spare time, little realising either their resemblance to DC or the significance of the inscription at the base of the statue (not shown). As luck would have it, one of the dotdotdotcomma team has a degree in ancient languages and was able to translate this text, which reads:

"To the greater glory of David of the clan McCoulthard, who journeyed from the land of the Picts to ply his trade as a charioteer. He was a good competitor - not great, mind you, but good - and, although he was often beaten by the blond, fair-skinned people from the land of the midnight sun, he will always be remembered for his battle-cry: 'This will be my year!'"
  Zsolt Baumgartner/Oddbod Junior
  Zsolt Baumgartner   Oddbod Junior    Fans of Carry On Screaming will remember Oddbod Junior as the scary hairy monster cloned from the severed finger of very scary hairy monster Oddbod. Always happy to start unfounded rumours, we at dotdotdotcomma are convinced that the same cloning process also gave us Zsolt Baumgartner, the surprisingly hirsute Jordan super-sub turned Minardi regular. As further evidence, we offer the fact that Zsolt seems to share the instinct that compelled both Oddbods to walk through walls rather than open doors, as anyone who has seen the Hungarian's reluctance to take a corner anywhere near the apex will have noticed.
  Olivier Panis/Geoffrey Rush (suggested by Our Man at the Ministry)
  Olivier Panis   Geoffrey Rush    We nearly jumped off our seats watching Pirates of the Caribbean recently when we thought we spotted veteran french racer Olivier Panis among the supporting cast. Thankfully it turned out to be the similarly aged and perennially underachieving actor Geoffrey Rush. Well, we could be forgiven for the mistake - both are now far too old for the swashbuckling roles they are attempting, and neither is ever likely to take top billing again.
  Paul Stoddart/Tom Sharp
  Paul Stoddart   Tom Sharp    Clearly separated at birth were Minardi saviour Paul Stoddart and head honcho at The Tower, Tom Sharp. Both are stout yeomen: warm, avuncular, beardy sorts, and Paul is as fond of eating beef as the next man - as long as it's prime Australian. Finally, both are committed to defending a dearly beloved institution to the death: in Tom's case it is the Crown Jewels, while for Paul it's the back row of the F1 grid.

Oh, and both of them wear black shirts emblazoned with the logos of their sponsors.
  Antonio Pizzonia/Jimmy Carr
  Antonio Pizzonia   Jimmy Carr    Simple one this: apart from the fact that they look identical, comedian Jimmy Carr, however hard he tries, can never make us laugh, whereas Antonio can have us in stitches with no effort at all, just by trying to drive an F1 car.
  Bernie Ecclestone/Teeth, the "loan-shark" from Buffy The Vampire Slayer
  Bernie Ecclestone   Teeth, the    We're probably on very dodgy ground here, but we're often asked just what the difference is between Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone and kitten-lender to the demons of Sunnydale, Teeth. Well, the answer is simple: one is a hardworking businessman who has got into a position of absolute power through a lifetime of duckin' and divin' and bobbin' and weavin', while the other is a scaly slimeball crook who deserves to be impaled on the sharp end of a wooden stake. Just don't ask us which is which, OK?
  Dieter Gass/Virgil Ellipse
  Dieter Gass   Virgil Ellipse    Crumbs! We thought dotdotdotcomma's very own webmeister (or possibly Netzmaster) Virgil Ellipse had found more gainful employment than his now legendary Jacques Villeneuve-bashing (though what could be more gainful?) when we spotted this chap hiding away at the back of the Toyota garage recently. Turns out we'd mistaken Toyota's underachieving race director for the genius behind such wonders as 'Build Your Own Driver'. While it was understandable to make the mistake, as both are naturally glued to a computer screen for most of their waking hours, we should have recognised the error sooner, as Mr Gass tends to have his eyes open for most of that time.
  Mario Theissen/Mr. Potato Head (suggested by Caroline)
  Mario Theissen   Mr. Potato Head    The good doctor may be more egghead than potato-head but it's hard to deny that there is a superficial similarity between the man behind BMW's F1 engine programme and the novelty plastic root vegetable currently gathering dust at the back of a million toy cupboards.

In addition, despite numerous requests, BMW refuse to confirm Dr. Theissen's whereabouts during the making of Toy Story and, just to compound matters, Toy Story 2. And rumour has it that the growing rift between BMW and Williams is less a result of disappointing on-track performances and more the fact that during a team meeting in 2004, Patrick Head pulled off Mario's clip-on moustache and wouldn't give it back.
  Jean Todt/Mel Brooks (suggested by Rob James, Melbourne, Oz)
  Jean Todt   Mel Brooks    Diminutive F1 team boss Jean Todt and perennial comic self-confessed near-genius Mel Brooks - separated at birth? Could explain their love of all things German...,

(Thanks to Rob James of Melbourne, Australia for this one. Rob will no doubt be satisfied to know that we have met our customer service standard target of posting this up less than one day after it was submitted to us. One Venusian day that is: a deadline that would have expired on 15 March 2006. Phew!)
  2006 McLaren MP4-21/Echidna
  2006 McLaren MP4-21   Echidna    Well, you rarely see them in the same room together, but here's the case for the prosecution anyway:

One's spiny, the other's shiny.

One's a monotreme, the other's a monocoque.

One's a seeming mish-mash of spare parts left over at the end of creation that the deity of your choice couldn't find a better use for, with an amusingly shaped nose with a cute little bump on the end..., and the other's an echidna.
  Alex Wurz/Jaws from the Bond Films
  Alex Wurz   Jaws from the Bond Films    Alex Wurz's recent return to form in racing may appear to some as almost as unlikely as the return of Jaws in Moonraker, but we bet you've never seen Austrian uber-tester Alex and Most Popular Bond Villain™ Jaws (Richard Kiel) hanging from the same cable-car.
  James Allen/Jonathan Porritt
  James Allen   Jonathan Porritt    With the greatest respect to Jonathan Porritt, James Allen is, we're afraid, far more likely to turn us green than the environmental campaigner ever will.

And while we'd never really want to cast nastertiums on the charming sustainable development commissioner, his strategy of growing his hair big and unkempt in an attempt to hide his ensuing baldness is uncannily familiar to that of the man they call The Cock™.

Still, unlike smarming Mr Allen, at least charming Mr Porritt can still lay claim to the title "Friend of the Earth".
  Vitantonio Liuzzi/Who
  Vitantonio Liuzzi   Who    What does Vitantonio Liuzzi look like?

We just don't know.
  Fernando Alonso/Russell Brand
  Fernando Alonso   Russell Brand    When he sees this, young Fernando will be doubly glad he's shaved off his Samson-like locks of old. For one thing, he no longer looks like a twat, and for another thing he no longer looks like a particular twat, Russell Brand.

Not wishing to become part of the ubiquitous Mr Brand's ersatz global multimedia empire, we at dotdotdotcomma have chosen to settle for a picture of Russell Hobbs Brand, as we really don't want to be associated with that unfunny ugly tosser.
  Nigel Mansell/David Haig
  Nigel Mansell   David Haig    We're not quite sure exactly what Nigel Mansell is doing in this picture except that we know it involves lying down nearly naked with a pair of dolphins. That's only slightly less disturbing than Bernard (David Haig) and Lydia's sex scene as witnessed by Hugh Grant in perennial rom-com favourite Four Weddings and an Annoying American Woman.

Oh, and separated at birth... not seen in the same room... that sort of thing.
  Felipe Massa/Jamie Cullum (suggested by Rory Bremner)
  Felipe Massa   Jamie Cullum    Apart from the fact that at one time it seemed that (a) every time you turned on your telly you'd see a Felipe Massa spinning, and (2) every time you turned on your wireless you'd hear a Jamie Cullum spinning, we have to admit to not really getting this one.

Still, it was suggested by professional look-and-sound-a-like Rory Bremner, so what do we know?
  Felipe Massa/Virgil Ellipse
  Felipe Massa   Virgil Ellipse    It seems only fitting that the proud moment of dotdotdotcomma reaching the milestone of 50 Formula 1 Look-A-Likes should be marked by a comparison between latest Grand Prix winner Felipe Massa, and these hallowed pages' very own webmeister/webbenmaster the now legendary Virgil Ellipse.

And, just as dotdotdotcomma's fat controller Mathias Uncertain was once famously reputed to 'look a bit like Rupert Everett, but only in Another Country, when he was gay', Felipe looks a bit like our Virgil but only in playing Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix, when he was under the influence of the section 2(i) imperative.

Throughout my long acquaintanceship with Mr Ellipse, I can honestly say with some conviction that I have never seen him in the same room as Master Massa. However, I can also reveal that Ellipse shares little of Massa's driving style, being able to drive down straight bits of road often without spinning even a little bit.
  Adrian Newey/Colin Mochrie
  Adrian Newey   Colin Mochrie    F1's foremost aerodynamic boffin and the erstwhile Whose Line Is It Anyway? stalwart look quite a bit like each other, although you'd need the former's extraordinary brain and the latter's swiftness of thought to come up with any other way of linking them. Sadly lacking in both departments, we've signally failed to do so.
  Luca Baldisserri/Rowland Rivron
  Luca Baldisserri   Rowland Rivron    Ethical, entertaining, and exemplifying Raw Sex, Rowland Rivron is, in character at least, the exact opposite of Ferrarsi team manager Luca Baldisserri.

It must come as a source of extreme disappointment to the French and Saunders star that he sadly looks so much like the man who so very wrongly predicted that Lewis Hamilton would suffer from a lack of driver aids.

Rest assured Rowland, we at dotdotdotcomma still think you're a Groovy Feller.
  Sebastien Bourdais' glasses/Luca Baldisserri's glasses
  Sebastien Bourdais' glasses   Luca Baldisserri's glasses    Picture the scene: it's your Formula 1 World Championship debut, and, despite your 4 consecutive easy CrapCar titles, not only are you driving for at best a midfield team, but also you're ugly, french and, frankly, a bit of a fils d'une chienne.

So imagine how you'd feel to arrive in Melbourne in your trademark eye-wear, only to find that a gran formaggio at the less-than ethical team that supplies your own engines is wearing pretty much the same naff poncy glasses as you, and yours look like the cheap knock-offs.

For shame - talk about making a spectacle of yourself! No wonder you fail to make it through to Q2.
  Bernie Ecclestone/Anne Darwin (suggested by The Reluctant Spectator)
  Bernie Ecclestone   Anne Darwin    Self-made multi-millionaire Bernie Ecclestone and convicted life insurance fraudster Anne Darwin fall into a very rare category of look-a-like in which the comparison manages to be offensive to both parties, and that would be sufficient on its own to prove that they are one and the same person, but it's also true to say that you never see them in the same courtroom.

For legal reasons we're not going to fall into the trap of comparing the sources of their fortunes, however temporary, though we might stumble dangerously close to the edge of the trap of mentioning that the only perceivable difference is that one of them got caught.
  Max Mosley/Max Mosley
  Max Mosley   Max Mosley    Fine, upstanding, anti-racist, eco-friendly FIA president Max Mosley is the absolute spitting image of sleazy, faithless, imprudent, irresponsible whoremonger Max Mosley.

dotdotdotcomma believes it is beyond reasonable doubt, as recently proven in court, that the former would never even consider indulging in Nazi-themed anything, but there is a significant body of evidence that the latter would definitely indulge in German military prison-themed S&M sex-play behind his wife's back and not be intelligent enough to realise either (a) that anyone who heard about it might make a Nazi connection given that Mosley's dad was a friend of Hitler, or (2) that any of the participants might choose to tell someone about it.

Still, suffice it to say that we have video evidence that you never see both in the same room together.
  Kimi Raikkonen/Little Red Riding Hood
  Kimi Raikkonen   Little Red Riding Hood    Grandma, what an asymmetric rear wing you have!

Far be it from us lads at dotdotdotcomma to consider the cuteness of the current crop of F1 drivers, but, awwww, look! Little Kimmie Raikkonen! Couldn't you just eat him all up?
  Fernando Alonso/A Morlock
  Fernando Alonso   A Morlock    It's taken three quite disturbed years for your correspondent to put his finger on exactly what horrific image from his childhood was conjured up by pictures of Fernando Alonso winning the 2005 World Championship. Turns out it was the cover of a Pan edition of HG Wells' "The Time Machine".

Well, those Morlocks had to evolve from something... er, will have to have... umm, wioll haven been... oh, bollocks.
  Lewis Hamilton/Toby Sebastian
  Lewis Hamilton   Toby Sebastian    We have had a lot of ideas for look-a-likes for F1 world champion Lewis Hamilton here at dotdotdotcomma Towers, but have been put off publishing them for fear of being cast with an all-too-easy racism aspersion arising from appearing to believe that "they all look the same, don't you know", which we don't.

So, imagine our joy when Toby Sebastian, singer/songwriter and finalist on Channel 4's Orange Unsigned Act, came to our attention. Not only is there a marked non-ethnic similarity in their appearance, but both are prodigiously mature for their tender years, both were encouraged in their late pre-teens to take up their chosen career, and both are accompanied everywhere they go by an attentive sibling.

There. We managed to get through all that without once mentioning curly hair, full lips or an inherent sense of rhythm.
  2009-spec F1 car/Council mower (suggested by David 'Binny' Croft)
  2009-spec F1 car   Council mower    We are indebted to BBC Radio Five Live's David "Binny" Croft for this one.

Fighting through jet lag, early morning, and, if personal experience is anything to go by, a stinking hangover during first free practice in Melbourne he identified the striking similarity between "you know, those big council lawnmowers that hoover up as much grass as they possibly can, with a very short handle at the back" and the 2009-spec Formula 1 car.

Respectively, we have represented these here by the "legendary" DR™ Field and Brush Mower and the "bloody ugly" Ferrarsi F60.

And Binny's not wrong, you know. It's bloody uncanny.
  Jenson Button/Chris Martin of Coldplay (suggested by Michelle Lynch)
  Jenson Button   Chris Martin of Coldplay    We're indebted to Toronto's Michelle Lynch for pointing this uncanny resemblance out to us, and to Marcello Papini for pointing dotdotdotcomma out to her.

Only trouble is, that given their respective proclivities, we're betting that at least someone has seen post-race party regular Jenson Button and post-show party regular Chris Martin in the same room, probably with some skinny model or several in tow.

Still, as The Now Show's Mitch Benn has observed: everyone looks like Coldplay now...
  Luca di Montezemolo/Peter Capaldi
  Luca di Montezemolo   Peter Capaldi    Until such time as they start filming that now legendary bloody Formula 1 movie they keep going on about and finally ask The Thick of It's Peter Capaldi to play Luca di Montezemolo, you probably won't see the Italian-sounding Scot and the Ferrarsi president in the same room.

Our suspicions about this striking resemblance were strengthened recently when di Montezemolo responded, after Michael Schumacher informed him of his plans to join the Mercedes team, "YOU MASSIVE G*Y SH*TE! F*ck off!"

Only in heavily Scots-accented Italian.
  Herman Tilke's Austin GP circuit/Mathias Uncertain's Austin GP circuit
  Herman Tilke's Austin GP circuit   Mathias Uncertain's Austin GP circuit    The similarities between the Austin, Texas GP circuit designed on the back of a fag packet over lunch in the pub by dotdotdotcomma editor Mathias Uncertain and published on these pages in July after he had heard that the circuit design would be intended to 'feature a selection of the very best sequences from other tracks around the world' and the circuit actually designed by Herman Tilke, presumably in the same manner, are so marked as to be positively besmirched.

It's almost as if the ubiquitous track-fiddler had copied our designs, which we are not saying he did at all, for legal reasons.

But judge for yourselves. Money for old rope, this circuit-designing lark.
  Sebastian Vettel/Eric Millegan
  Sebastian Vettel   Eric Millegan    Sebastian Vettel's dramatic world championship-clinching victory in Abu Dhabi reminds us that, while there isn't much chance of seeing him all that close to Mark Webber at the moment, another person you'll never see the likeable Seb in the same room with is Eric Millegan, who plays Dr Zack Addy, the forensically anthropological side-geek to Dr Temperance Brennan (the wrong Deschanel sister) in TV's Bones.

That said, there probably aren't that many people who'd want to be in the same room as him anyway, because, while Zack was as likeable as Seb, and showed similarly great promise, he did turn out to be the apprentice to an evil cannibalistic serial killer. So, not all that unlike Seb's relationship with a certain serial former F1 world champion then...,
  Felipe Massa/Walter Koenig (Star Trek™'s Chekov)
  Felipe Massa   Walter Koenig (Star Trek™'s Chekov)    Some little-known Star Trek™ quotes for you:

"I can't hold her, Kapitan - she's going into a spin."

"OK, Helm, the Klingon Bird of Prey is faster than you. Can you confirm you understood that message?"

"He's fired a spring from his aft, Kapitan. I'm taking evasive action - aargh!"
  Adrian Sutil/George Eads (CSI's Nick Stokes)
  Adrian Sutil   George Eads (CSI's Nick Stokes)    While watching the prelude to 2009's Melbourne Grand Prix, your correspondent was struck with a strong impression of the similarity between Force India nearly-also-ran Adrian Sutil and CSI's over-emotional Nick Stokes, played by George Eads.

Adrian Sutil is a driver whose career has been plagued by unfortunate timing: in what should have been his title-winning second season with ASM in EuroF3 in 2005, he was outshone by new team-mate Lewis Hamilton. When he should have been the new German driver replacing the (thankfully) outgoing Michael Schumacher in F1, he was outshone by compatriot Sebastian Vettel. And when he should have finished 4th in the wet at Monaco in 2008, he was outshone - oh, ok, punted off - by Kimi Raikkonen.

CSI Level 3 Nick Stokes it turns out hasn't had much of a problem with timing, and, actually, thinking about it, he doesn't really look much like Adrian Sutil either. Perhaps it was just the power of suggestion from the BBC playing "Who Are You?" at the time that got us going.

Still, it must come as some consultation to Adrian that he's been noticed by someone.
  Michele Alboreto/Rowan Atkinson
  Michele Alboreto   Rowan Atkinson    It is a reasonably well known fact that rubber-faced comic Rowan Atkinson is a bit of a petrolhead, and has spent a considerable portion of the vast wads of cash he rightly earned from Blackadder on such things as an Aston Martin DB8, Honda NSX and a much-abused McLaren F1.

What is less well known is that he also seems to have had a long and varied career in Formula 1, driving under the name Michele Alboreto, with Tyrell, Ferrarsi, Tyrell again, Larousse, Arrows, Footwork, Scuderia Italia and Minardi, roughly equating in performance terms to Not The Nine O'Clock News, Blackadder, Mr Bean, Mr Bean, Mr Bean, Mr Bean, Mr Bean and Johnny English.
  Jacques Fucking Villeneuve/Raphael Sbarge
  Jacques Fucking Villeneuve   Raphael Sbarge    While watching the ludicrous nonsense that calls itself Once Upon A Time the other day, imagine our surprise at finding flukey former champion Jacques Villeneuve playing a human version of Jiminy Cricket. By Jiminy, indeed!

The only good thing about it was that he was trapped at the bottom of a very deep mineshaft - no doubt a good place to find both his motorsport and musical careers, the concept of each of which suddenly makes Once Upon A Time a whole lot less ludicrous and nonsensical.

Turns out it was actually Raphael Sbarge, to whom we offer our sincerest apologies for this case of mistaken identity.
  Formula 1/The Borgias
  Formula 1   The Borgias    Power-hungry, deceiving, corrupt, Machiavellian, incestuous... but enough about modern Formula 1, did you see The Borgias, the pseudo-historical TV romp created by Neil Jordan (no relation) about what can only be described as... the Borgias?

Jordan (no relation) seems to have thought that it would be an excellent idea to cast leading figures from the world of modern Formula 1 as key characters in his popish melodrama.

So far, we've spotted Michael Schumacher as Cardinal Giuliano della Rovere, Fernando Alonso as Cesare Borgia, Jean Todt as King Charles VIII of france, and Nico Rosberg as Lucrezia Borgia My Reflection.

Have any eagle-eyed readers spotted any other F1 courtiers or courtesans among the cast? If so, please issue us with a papal bull.
  Kimi Raikkonen/Aaro Vainio
  Kimi Raikkonen   Aaro Vainio    Regular readers will recall that, in pointing out the uncanny similarity between Mika Hakkinen 2001 and Kimi Raikkonen 2002, it may have been suggested that "Somewhere in Finland there's a laboratory that turns out motor racing clones, each with their own little quirks, a bit like Cabbage Patch Dolls in helmets".

Well now, if proof be needed, here it be: 2012 GP3 Monaco winner Aaro Vainio is clearly one of those clones. It would almost be chilling, if it wasn't for the fact that we know he's not going to get anywhere on account of not having enough Ks in his name, poor lad.

Regular readers will also recall that we posted this on our Road To F1™ Look-Alikes page way back in July.
  Fernando Alonso/Michele "Giovane Montalbano" Riondino
  Fernando Alonso   Michele    Egregio Signore,
Mi chiedo se uno qualsiasi dei tuoi lettori hanno notato la curiosa somiglianza tra doppio campione del mondo e coincidente Ferrarsi pilota Fernando Alonso, e Michele Riondino, che interpreta il giovane Commissario Montalbano nella serie televisiva stranamente denominato "Giovane Montalbano"?
Oltre al fatto che non vedi mai i due di loro nella stessa stanza, entrambi guidare una Fiat vecchia scassata.
Penso che noi dovremmo essere raccontate.

Distinti saluti,
Vice ispettore Domenico Augello,
ma puoi chiamarmi Mimi,
Stazione di polizia di Vigata

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