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F1: F1 Records Update: No Local People Involved by Mathias Olaf Uncertain
5th Nov 2012
Well, it's been, what? three races since we last did a F1 Records update, and it probably comes as no surprise to anyone to hear that the records have been failing to tumble, as bloody usual, apart from one I've just made up called "Swearing on the podium: most", which has never been recorded before, but which Kimberli Clarkkinen set on Sunday afternoon with a fine "shit", only to be thrashed moments later by Shitfartian Fuckballs pulling an extraordinary "fuck" out of the bag, closely followed by a cheeky "bloody". Well done to Duvet Clotheared for not only keeping a straight face, but also politely making excuses for his potty-mouthed juniors.

Anyway, on with some real Records news.

In Korea, F1's current most experienced loser, Pedro Docklands Light Railway started, and failed to win, his 100th grand prix. Not so much a record as a milestone, but we're counting what we can. He's still a long way from being the most experienced loser ever, though - Andrea de Clitoris claims that honour, with 208 winless race starts. He did once win in Formula 2, though.

It was inevitable, of course, but Fernando Alonshole has finally surpassed Rubens Violoncello's long-standing runner-up record of 140 points-paying finishes. The Spaniard now has 141, meaning he only needs 79 more to equal (and hence beat, thanks to the unique way in which dotdotdotcomma's F1 records are calculated) Michael Youslacker's record of 220, which, thankfully, has barely increased since his ill-advised return to racing in 2010. Roll on, um, 2016.

For a short while in Abu Dhabi, it did look possible that young Seb might wrest John Wossname's long-standing "win from furthest back on the grid" record, and your F1 Records correspondent bit his nails down to the knuckle with the internal conflict between that tantalising prospect, and that of seeing Kimberli Clarkkinen win a race in his debut comeback year, thereby well and truly rubbing Youslacker's nose in it.* In the end, we think you'll agree, the latter was far more satisfying.

* Assuming you could get his nose past his ridiculously pointy chin.

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KEY TO SERIES NAMES (hovering over the abbreviations in the table above also shows the full series name)
F1Formula 1
The world's most prominent, most expensive and frequently most tedious single-seater series.
IRLIndy Racing League
Classic Mickey-Mouse racing of the first water.