Clipping the apex with Millions Martini Racing
The MillionsWILLIAMS
The FW18 with Damon Hill at the wheel, Canada 1996. Anyone fancy a smoke? A phenomenally successful F1 team which won nine constructors' titles in 20 years (it took Ferrari 50 years to do the same) but which usually dispenses with the services of the drivers who win the title for them: Alan Jones, Nelson Piquet, Nigel Mansell, Alain Prost and Damon Hill all took championships and then left the team at the end of the year, for one reason or another. The team hit a purple patch in the 1990s, when a combination of Adrian Newey's ground-breaking designs, some jolly clever electronics and a handful of half-decent drivers resulted in repeated title wins. The 1992 and 1993 Williams are probably the most technologically advanced Formula One cars to date and you could almost say that they drove themselves, without wishing to devalue the titles that Mansell and Prost won with them, of course. This period also produced the iconic blue and white Rothmans livery, which looked great but which was probably responsible for shifting truckloads of their cigarettes. The team did attempt to make amends later, however, by running cars plastered with stickers for Niquitin and thereby promoting something to help you give up what they'd been urging you to become addicted to a few years previously. For the 2004 season, the Williams challenger sported a highly unusual "walrus nose", which did nothing for the car's performance but which did at least mean that Ralf Schumacher was no longer the ugliest thing in the paddock. The innovative nose proved uncompetitive and was replaced by something more conventional in the second half of the year. Ralf also proved uncompetitive and was replaced by someone more talented at the end of the year. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper F1 team woke up in the former Soviet Union this morning to the smell of smouldering camel-hair and the discovery of a hole burnt in one of their tired blankets, dotdotdotcomma has learned.
The incident has lead to ice-man Valkkyrie Bonkkers having to sit out of free practice 1. That'll learn ice-man him for smoking in bed. Probably.
In unrelated news, Millions' woes were added to when it was discovered that, back in Blighty, a dotdotdotcomma hack had infiltrated their top secret base at Grove, Oxon, OX12 0DQ, yesterday, and witnessed head gardener Williams Kent producing this astonishing piece of topiary (pictured, right?). It took him 2.9 seconds.
Eagle-eyed readers may be able to make out the sign that reads "Please keep off the gravel." Useful advice for Phillip MassiveMASSA, FELIPE
The view from Felipe Massa's car for most of the 2008 British Grand Prix. Pretty much since his F1 debut with Sauber in 2002, Felipe Massa has been doing his best to shake off his reputation as a driver who is fast but wild, while for roughly the same period, dotdotdotcomma has been doing its best to reinforce that reputation. It's not that we harbour any particular dislike of the chap but Massa is no more capable of changing his underlying nature than he is of, oh, I don't know, not spinning five times in the wet at Silverstone in 2008. During the duller parts of a Formula One season, it's nice to have someone a bit mad in the field for the occasional moments of insanity they provide and ever since Takuma Sato left the sport, Massa is the best we have. That said, Massa has been guilty at times of Ferrarigance, which is a word we've just made up for the special brand of arrogance only a fully brainwashed Ferrari team member can display. His ridiculous protestations that Fernando Alonso had impeded him during qualifying at Monza in 2006 readily spring to mind, as does his failure to acknowledge that his spin at Fuji in 2008 had been caused when he turned in on Sebatien Bourdais. On both occasions, of course, the stewards favoured the bloke in red. In any case, F1 would probably be less of a spectacle without loonies like Massa and "fast but wild" is not a bad epithet to have. It could be a lot worse. Just look at what we've called Michael Schumacher or Jacques Villeneuve. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper there.
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