The self-styled world's best-selling motor-sport magazine, Autosprout, says that Autosprout, the self-styled world's best selling motor-sport magazine, is not only the world's best-selling motor-sport magazine, but also simply the best motor-sport magazine in the world, as evidenced presumably by the fact that it is the best-selling one.
This extravagant claim, by Autosprout magazine, comes hot on the heels of a whole load of other pointless self-promotions dressed up as news by Autosprout, who some claim is the world's best motor-sport magazine, including the following astonishing assertions:
- Devo Hellmouth promoter of the forthcoming US GP at Austin, Texas claims that his circuit could be on the F1 calendar for 40 years.
- Red Rag's famously number two driver Mark CobberWEBBER, MARK
 Mark Webber's trademark air of weary resignation, which he honed during years in sub-standard Minardi, Jaguar, Williams and Red Bull shitboxes. Mark Webber is an Australian racing driver and a bloody good one too, mate, although ever since an aerodynamic fault led to his Mercedes somersaulting twice on the Mulsanne straight during practice for the 1999 Le Mans 24 Hours, he has put forward a convincing case for being Johnny Herbert's successor as the unluckiest man in F1 or, indeed, sportscars. He has lost more F1 podium finishes through no fault of his own than he has any right to and more than once he has been in a position to win a race that has then been snatched away from him. Notable amongst these occasions was the drenched 2007 Japanese Grand Prix, when his own nearly-team-mate Sebastian Vettel ran into the back of him behind the safety car just as it looked as if the second-placed Webber had the beating of eventual winner Lewis Hamilton. Strewth! In fact, the Japanese race in 2007 turned out to be really quite eventful for Mark, who had food poisoning for the race and threw up inside his helmet during the first safety car period. Yuk. Given his luck, it is perhaps not surprising that Mark is also twice a winner of the "Most Gratuitous Use Of The Word 'F*ck' In A Live ITV Broadcast" award 1. 1"What was Sato doing, for f*ck's sake?", Turkey 2005 and "Kids with not enough experience to do a good job that they f*ck it all up", Japan 2007
- MoreHadesMERCEDES-BENZ
Mercedes-Benz is a German motor vehicle manufacturer improbably named after Buffy the Vampire Slayer stars Mercedes McNab and Julie Benz, who played dumpy failed vampirette Harmony and fiendlishly sexy uber-vamp Darla respectively. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper boss Norbert Borg is convinced that his team will win again, despite having a team that includes Michael ComebackerSCHUMACHER, MICHAEL
 Michael expresses his remorse at having dangerously forced a rival off the track. Again. When he wasn't driving people off the road, ramming other cars, parking in the middle of the track or trying to punch David Coulthard, Michael Schumacher displayed a dazzling talent for finding new ways to disadvatage his team-mate. We're being slightly churlish, of course, but Schumacher's reputation as a driver will forever be coloured by the unsporting manner in which he raced. His first break in F1 came with Jordan at Spa in 1991 and his second with Ferrari at Silverstone in 1999, when he fractured a leg crashing at Stowe. His final F1 drive through the field at Interlagos was a reminder of what his legacy could have been if he hadn't been quite so ready to tarnish it quite so frequently. The wanker.
- Mark Cobber's manager Flabbio BriatoreBRIATORE, FLAVIO
 Flav the magic dragon. Rejoicing in knowing next to nothing about the sport, Flavio Briatore has nevertheless been almost as successful in running F1 teams as he has in knocking off supermodels. Initially recruited by Luciano Benetton to oversee the establishment of Benetton shops in America in the 1970s, Briatore saw F1 as just another business when he was appointed Benetton F1's commercial director in 1988 and you have to admit he's got a point. There may well be question marks over some of his business dealings and he's probably not the sort of bloke you'd trust with your sister but there's no denying that he's got the job done, ageing medallion man that he is.
- VirgilVIRGIN RACING
 Isn't that Nick Wirth a tall chap? Virgin Racing is either just the kind of underdog team that deserves your loyalty and support or the latest considered marketing ploy of that unashamed self-publicist Richard Branson, depending on your point of view. The team is actually Manor Grand Prix in a new suit, since it was John Booth's team - which has enjoyed considerable success in junior single-seater categories since it was founded in 1990 - that was awarded a spot on the F1 grid for 2010. Before the FIA entry list was published in late 2009, however, Virgin had swooped in to become the title sponsor and install as team principal one of their own high-flyers, who was quickly replaced when it became apparent that he knew even less about racing than Flavio Briatore. The team is therefore competing as Virgin Racing, which we keenly anticipate will lead to all sorts of unintended commentary box doubles entendres, along the lines of "that Virgin looks a bit of a handful in the wet", which is the sort of thing that amuses our little brains. Manor is based in the UK in two sites: one in Sheffield and the other just next door in Bicester. In that regard, Manor has following the BMW-Sauber approach, although Manor's two sites are at least in the same country, and Booth is confident that his squad can emulate the success enjoyed by BMW, right up to the point at which they collapsed. Bolstering the Manor workforce is experienced entrepreneur Nick Wirth, whose engineering company has no doubt done this, that and the other thing with varying degrees of success. For a couple of years he was the founder, owner and technical director of the Simtek F1 team, which achieved levels of performance suggesting that Wirth held most of the other positions there as well. Wirth will shoulder the responsibility of producing the cars and his 2010 challenger is the first F1 car designed using solely CFD simulation technology - no wind tunnels here, thank you very much - so with that level of innovation behind them, it will be fascinating to see exactly how many seconds off the pace the car will be. Drivers for the first season are Timo Glock, who shows every indication of being the new Nick Heidfeld (which isn't intended as completely insulting, even if it sounds like it is), and Lucas Di Grassi, who has a very nice line in world-weary abuse for other drivers when he's been punted off which we reckon he'll have plenty of opportunity to use.
All of which hyperbole makes Fernando AlonsulkALONSO, FERNANDO
 Fernando always keeps abreast of the latest technical developments. Alonso's full name is Fernando Alonso Diaz and few people realise that he is the half-brother of Cameron Diaz, the well-known jizz-haired actress. His success in Formula One has led to a huge growth of interest in the sport in his home country of Spain, where not so long ago you could easily pick up cheap tickets to the Grand Prix and pretty much have your pick of seats, so thanks for that, Fernando. Like many of the sport's stars, Alonso began his F1 career with Minardi and he made a splash at his first race, where he out-qualified his team-mate by over two and a half seconds. That margin is rendered slightly less impressive when you learn that his team-mate was Tarso Marques who, as racing drivers go, has a lovely personality. Fernando was soon snapped up by Renault, where he spent a year testing before being promoted to a race seat. He became the then youngest world champion in 2005 and the youngest double champion in 2006. There followed an abbreviated tenure at McLaren which failed to yield a third title, largely because he proved unable to beat a rookie, after which he was welcomed back to the Renault team, where he is expected to wait grumpily until a Ferrari seat becomes available. Alonso is an exceptionally talented and complete racing driver but he also has a reckless - often self-destructive - streak and an eccentrically unique take on what it means to be a team-player, traits which have doubtless closed a number of F1 doors to him. In 2005 he was appointed one of UNICEF's Goodwill Ambassadors, which may explain why he never has any left for anyone else.
dotdotdotcomma humbly suggest that if Autosprout are indeed the best motor-sport magazine in the world ever, which, in all fairness, they probably are, to be honest, then they might like to actually, I don't know, go out and do some actual journalism, rather than just passing on everbody else's self-aggrandising press releases.
|
