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F1: Petrol crowned F1 Division 3 Champion by Mathias Olaf Uncertain
3rd Dec 2012
2012 F1D3 Champion Vitally Petrol, clearly standing on the top step of the podium, with runner-up Ecky Thumpalainen, trying to look serious, and failing dismally.
2012 F1D3 Champion Vitally Petrol, clearly standing on the top step of the podium, with runner-up Ecky Thumpalainen, trying to look serious, and failing dismally.
The results of the official* FIEh? 2012 Formula 1 Division 3 Championship have now been compiled by dotdotdotcomma's team of retentive statisticians, and we can exclusively reveal that Vitally Petrol has won the championship, beating his closest rival and teammate Ecky Thumpalainen into second place by the narrowest of margins.

The F1D3 Championship is open to any Formula 1 drivers whose team failed to trouble the scorers in any particular year. Points are awarded on the usual scale of 25-18-15-12-10-8... and that's as far as it gets, with positions recorded regardless of whether the race was finished, or, with particular reference to Hotflush Racing Team, even started.

2012 was a classic year for F1D3, what with the extended 24-car grid, 18 of whom succeeded in troubling the scorers so comprehensively that only one driver outside the F1D3 teams failed to score, and that was Custard d'Ambrosia, who only competed in one race in a car that not only lost its KERS, but also can't have been in particularly good shape after the way that Roman Fatjohn had been hurling it at every other car on the circuit for the previous dozen races or so.

The season kicked off in Australia with a win for Time O'Clock in the Motherrussia. This was followed by an unprecedented hat-trick of victories for Vitally Petrol, and a similarly extraordinary, but therefore precedented, hat-trick for team-mate Thumpalainen, after which the Catering duo traded wins in a manner that would have been ideal material for a Hale Report from HHTV News.

But not for long! In Singapore, O'Clock returned to form with an outstanding victory - taking 12th place overall - and thereby giving Motherrussia the coveted 10th place in the actual F1 constructors' championship thanks to the slightly silly way in which the actual FIEh?, in their allegedly infinite wisdom, calculate such things, and despite the fact that Catering were simply miles ahead in the F1D3 points at that, um, juncture.

So, with a return to Petrol and Thumpalainen trading victories, it was therefore simply dulce et decorum when, at Interlagos, Vitally Petrol took a well-deserved win - 11th overall - to seal not only Catering's F1D3 Constructors' championship, but also 10th place overall for the team in the actual standings, as well as his own title as F1D3 drivers' champion, while Thumpalainen's third place behind Charles Pique kept the Russian rather uncomfortably honest, finishing a single point behind in the standings.

And finally, since we are contractually obliged to be mean about Michael Backmarker in 77% of all news reports, we feel it necessary to point out that in 40% of races in 2012 the pointy-chinned German was roundly beaten by at least one F1D3 competitor, the chump.

Here are the final standings then.

Official* FIEh? Formula 1 Division 3 Drivers' Championship:
1 Vitally Petrol (Catering) 392
2 Ecky Thumpalainen (Catering) 391
3 Time O'Clock (Motherrussia) 314
4 Charles Pic (Motherrussia) 270
5 Pedro Docklands Light Railway (Hotflush Racing Team) 212
6 Narain Karthikeyan (Hotflush Racing Team) 181
From which we think it's pretty easy to work out the constructors' points, as we just can't be arsed.



* This is a lie.

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KEY TO SERIES NAMES (hovering over the abbreviations in the table above also shows the full series name)
F1Formula 1
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FFEFIA Formula E
All-electric single seater racing series. Sounds like a swarm of angry wasps.
GP2GP2
The former Formula 2, now twice-renamed and god alone knows why.