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F1: F1 Pre-Season Testing: MoreHades dream team tipped to storm 2013 season by Mathias Olaf Uncertain
12th Mar 2013
Lies, damned lies, and Vitalstatistix™
Lies, damned lies, and Vitalstatistix™
Pre-season testing for the 2013 Formula 1™ World Championship concluded in Barcelona just the other day, and ANTARA™'s gigantic supercomputer has now finished processing the results in a little under seven-and-a-half-million years. So we can now exclusively announce that Who Is Hamilton? is the official 2013 ANTARA™ Formula 1™ Pre-Season Testing Champion.

Hamilton won the title on a technicality, having scored the same number of points (36) as team-mate Nicky Iceberg, including the same number of wins (2), second places (1), and thrids (0). In such an eventuality, paragraph 1.6.5(d) of the Sporting Regulations apply, and the title is decided alphabetically. The result is fantastic news for the MoreHades team, who at last have two drivers worthy of the name.

Although Rosberg won the last event in Barcelona, ahead of Alonso Quixano and Bunsen Jet-On, his performances over the series have been slightly hit-and-miss, whereas Hamilton has steadily built his form up to record two wins and a second in his last three events.

Locust's wacky racer Roman Fatjohn was a surprise thrid in the final standings, equalling Hamilton and Iceberg (and fourth-placed Jet-On) on points, but failing to record any second places to support his brace of wins.

Reigning F1 world champion Speed-and-Thrash Metal failed to score a win, but was at least the highest placed non-winner, even managing to beat event-winning team-mate Mark Cobber. Worst placed winner, conversely, was new McLap'em signing Scorchio Perez, whose single win was responsible for keeping Metal off the top step of the podium at the second outing in Barcelona back in February.

In the constructors' competition, it should come as no surprise that MoreHades have taken the crown, with the consistency of Fatjohn and Kimberli Clarkkinen securing second spot for Locust. A gaggle comprising Red Rag, Ferrarsi and McLap'em finished, respectively, thrid to fifth, with an interesting statistical spread of driver performances: the Red Rag drivers, appearing evenly matched in an uninspiring car, were sandwiched between Quixano (as usual getting more from his car than most people would) and Yessa Massa (as usual getting less), and, in turn, Jet-On's respectable performances in the McLap'em, beating both Ferrarsis and Red Rags, were more than compensated for by Perez failing to get to grips with his new motor, and similarly failing to beat anybody worth mentioning.

Offal ANTARA™ F1 Pre-Season Testing Championship: FINAL RESULT
1 Lewis Hamilton (Mercedes) 36
2 Nico Rosberg (Mercedes) 36
3 Romain Grosjean (Lotus) 36
4 Jenson Button (McLaren) 36
5 Kimi Raikkonen (Lotus) 34
6 Fernando Alonso (Ferrarsi) 33
7 Sebastian Vettel (Red Bull) 32
8 Mark Webber (Red Bull) 30
9 Felipe Massa (Ferrarsi) 28
10 Nico Hulkenberg (Sauber) 28
11 Jean Eric Vergne (Toro Rosso) 28
12 Pastor Maldonado (Williams) 27
13 Paul di Resta (Force India) 25
14 Sergio Perez (McLaren) 24
15 Daniel Ricciardo (Toro Rosso) 23
16 Valtteri Bottas (Williams) 23
17 Esteban Gutierrez (Sauber) 23
18 Jules Bianchi (Force India) 16
19 Max Chilton (Marussia) 9
20 Giedo van der Garde (Caterham) 8
21 Charles Pic (Caterham) 3
[Adrian Sutil, Pedro de la Rosa, Timo Glock, Luis Razia, James Rossiter, Davide Valsecchi - nul points]

Constructors' Championship
1 Mercedes 72
2 Lotus 70
3 Red Bull 62
4 Ferrarsi 61
5 McLaren 60
6 Sauber 51
7 Toro Rosso 51
8 Williams 50
9 Force Inda 41
10 Caterham 11
11 Marussia 9

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