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F1: ANTARA™ F1 testing: Clarkkinen heads table after Barcelona by Mathias Olaf Uncertain
28th Feb 2013
<em>Making it up as we go along.™</em>
Making it up as we go along.™
In the first session at Barcelona last week Nicky Iceberg put in his first bid to prove he is still the best driver at MoreHades, even now that pointy-chinned makeweight Michael Backmarker has been replaced by someone half-decent, by alliteravely topping the timesheets on Tuesday, ahead of Kimberli Clarkkinen and Alonso Quixano. On the following day Scorchio Perez finally put any concerns McLap'em might have had about signing the Mexican with his first victory, after a string of uninspiring seventh places, eclipsing Speed-And-Thrash Metal, whose regular forays onto the podium have so far failed to make it to the top step.

Thursday saw a precious win for Alonso in the Ferrarsi, the Spaniard just needing to record one more time to enable his win, thrid and fifth to mean anything pointswise, Murray.* Incredible Hulkenberg and Roman Fatjohn took the remaining podium positions. Finally, on Friday, Who Is Hamilton? took a win for MoreHades, by which we don't mean that this is the skateboarding duck of this news piece, more that Hamilton has eventually, at long last, and when all's said and done at the end of the day, Brian, achieved a victory for his new squid on his fourth outing, after two sixths and a fourth, something even Backmarker achieved in his second sortie last year.

And finally, in Friday's session, the Walliams team's drivers, New New New Flying Finn™ Valkkyrie Bonkkers and the inexplicable Pastor Maldonarsehole, managed to do 36 laps between them, without setting a single time. Turns out the reason was that they were spending the day practising pit stops. ANTARA™ officials were momentarily concerned as to whether the sporting regulations** should in fact recognise completed laps rather than timed laps, and almost sent out their secretary to obtain a fag packet the back of which so to use at an emergency meeting down the pub in order to address the anomaly, before they realised that both drivers had already recorded four times, and the price of a fag packet could therefore be saved, and they could stay where they were, down the pub. Trebles all round!

It just remains for your correspondent to ask what kind of men Messrs Bonkkers and Maldonarsehole think they are that they didn't take the opportunity to sneak a couple of flying laps in, whatever their team orders were. Sir Rollingstonegathersno Moss would be appalled. Pussies.

ANTARA™ Provisional Pre-Season F1 Testing Championship Standings: after round 2, Barcelona:
1 Kimi Raikkonen (Lotus) 34
2 Sebastian Vettel (Red Bull) 32
3 Nico Rosberg (Mercedes) 29
4 Jenson Button (McLaren) 27
= Romain Grosjean (Lotus)
= Lewis Hamilton (Mercedes)
7 Daniel Ricciardo (Toro Rosso)
8 Paul di Resta (Force India) 22
= Felipe Massa (Ferrarsi)
= Sergio Perez (McLaren)

* Copies of the Sporting Regulations are available on demand. Simply send a fax to mathias@dotdotdotcomma.com and enclosing a large self-addressed envelope.
** See *.

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